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ASD, autism, autism moms, kids, LISA'S POSTS, pissed autism moms, posts that might get me killed, rainmom rants, Spectrumville, Times New Sarcasm
We’ve all been there. Every autism mom has had at least one encounter with some insensitive jackass who insulted our children or criticized our parenting. It might have been the perfectly groomed soccer mom who said your child was merely spoiled, or maybe the old biddy that told you to take your screaming kid outside even though you were already dragging him out the door in a Fireman Carry, or maybe just some random mean guy who muttered, “This is why I hate kids” under his breath while your child happily flapped past him.
Usually we just have to mention “autism” and the critics slink away, embarrassed and with their tails between their legs, but every now and then you meet somebody who is such a huge asshole they don’t care if your kid is autistic, they just care that your child’s noise/stim/existence is annoying to them, and they don’t hesitate to tell you about how obnoxious your child is and what a terrible job you’re doing raising him.
Sometimes their callousness shocks us silent, and we sit in the car afterward, thinking of all the retorts we could have made. Sometimes we take the higher ground and walk away, and sometimes we dig in and defend ourselves. (And sometimes we defend ourselves loudly and with many obscenities, but that bitch in the bookstore deserved it!)
These people who attack us are horrible because they have no empathy. They’re shallow people who probably lead miserable lives devoid of depth and meaning. They need to learn compassion and respect, but mostly they need to learn to fear us, because autism moms are not to be trifled with.
Top Five Reasons You Should Never Piss Off an Autism Mom
Five. We’re Already on the Defensive
What? You think you’re the first person to think I’m a bad mother? Get in line. People have been assuming I’m a bad mother for the last five years. I chew up people who think I’m a bad parent for breakfast. You think there’s something wrong with my kid? No shit, Sherlock – this panel of physicians and psychologists agrees with you. Tell us something we don’t know. Have something new and clever to add? No? NO? I didn’t think so…
In other words, we have experience with assholes like you.
Four. We Are Not Socially Well-Adjusted
We were real people once, and we will be real people again someday, but right now we’re living on the fringe of polite society. We have cut ties and discarded the family and friends who couldn’t handle our situation. We all suffer from severe PTSD. Our houses are messy, our surfaces are sticky, and we know the words to way too many Wiggles songs. We clean up disasters that you couldn’t even begin to contemplate. We live in semi-isolation, trying to have philosophical conversations with children who only know 18 words. We wear yoga pants all day. Our lives are not like other people’s lives. Do you really want to make us angry? Or do you want to give us a really really wide berth and back away slowly because you’re scared of what we might do if we snap? Yes. Good choice.
Three. We Know How to Fight
Autism moms know how to fight because we practice. We fight all day long. We fight with doctors about treatment, and then we fight with insurance companies to get it paid for. We fight with the state over services and we fight with schools about our IEPs. We fight with our families who won’t come to visit us anymore and we fight with our husbands to let off steam from all the other fighting we’re constantly doing. We fight with our children to make them keep their pants on in public. Do you think for a second that we would hesitate to fight with a complete stranger who was totally asking for it?
Two. We’re Already Angry
Autism moms carry huge amounts of unprocessed rage just below the surface. We’re mad at god or the universe or fate or whatever it is out there that gave our children autism. We are furious at the cards we were dealt and indignant that such a horrible thing had to happen to our children. We are angry about the loss of the child we were supposed to have, and we never truly stop mourning. We’re angry at the doctors who didn’t catch it early enough and also at the doctors who did. We hold a grudge against anybody who ever failed us as we tried to make sense of this chaos, and we’re also furious at ourselves, because we constantly feel like we’re not doing enough to help and we’re secretly afraid that it might somehow be our fault in the first place. We are already walking bundles of resentment…do you want to be the straw that breaks the camel’s back?
One. We’re Sleep Deprived
Some of us haven’t had a good night’s sleep in years. Between the stress, depression, anxiety, and the kid who wakes up screaming for popsicles at 3 a.m., we’re all beyond exhausted. We’re muddled and short-tempered and irrational and crazy. Like ax murderer crazy. Like Mel Gibson crazy. There are all sorts of studies linking sleep deprivation to psychosis and that would probably hold up in court if I decided to assault you. Keep that in mind the next time you fail to keep your opinions to yourself, and beware the autism mom.
In an effort to keep autism mom vitriol in a nice contained space so everyone can be safe, we invite moms to use the comment section to vent about the people that piss you off. Tell us what you said (or what you wished you had said) or rant away…we’re pleased to be able to offer this public service to keep the rest of society protected.
Sabine said:
I have a neighbor with a 19 yr old non-verbal autistic boy. he is about 6’2″ 350 lbs so when he yell, moans – it really carries through the air. I see him outside and he doesn’t yell but as soon as they put him in the pool, he starts yelling and moaning and slapping the water. They leave him in the pool for 6 – hours. yes… hours. They go inside their house, which is soundproof while he is in the pool. (I know it’s soundproof because I know the original owners).
So what is a neighbor to do when they hear the screaming all day and as late at 10pm? The police don’t help, the HOA won’t help. I called DCF and he was staying in the house more but now back to the same schedule. the moment he comes home from school he goes into the pool until about 10 pm.
Genna said:
Thank you! I think I might have you write my Christmas cards this year. I have a 16 year-old Asperger’s/BiPolar Mixed. She got arrested the other day at school for disorderly conduct because she wanted to finish her Latte while it was hot. I cannot tell you how many times I have silently thought 1-5! I am sharing this a few times! Stay crazy!
jjuggle said:
LOVE THIS!!!! Thank you
eherrst said:
I was with you until you got to number two on your list. I am not angry that my son was not diagnosed until he was nine because his first pediatrician didn’t realize that you can have very sociable children on the Autism Spectrum and I’m not angry that my second pediatrician did realize this and thus diagnosed him. I’m not angry at God or the universe or fate because my child is different. I DO sometimes get angry at myself when I think I could have done more, but then I realize that I’m human and I have four other children who are far more demanding of my attention than my son is. The one thing that left my stomach hollow and my heart breaking was when you said you’re angry because of “the loss of the child we were supposed to have.” You have the child you’re supposed to have, they are still there and they still need your love and tender care. I don’t know if you believe in God, but he believed you could handle being the mother to this special child and that you could benefit from rising to the situation. I am not angry with you for being angry either. I realize that anger is another stage of grief and some people go through grief far longer than others. I happened to go through mine somewhat quickly and on the other side I feel myself far more accepting of my son and his condition. I still have hopes and expectations for him down the road, but they are not what I had for him when he was born. I also realize that you may be dealing with a child who is lower on the spectrum than my child and thus you are dealing with more than I am, so I apologize if anything I said offends you, but I felt I had to speak up as I feel ASD children are a blessing in disguise.
Claire said:
I think you missing the point they said to the ones that did diagnose on time also. It was a strange day that my son was diagnosed because I knew he needed the statement and I knew we needed it but in another way I did not want him to have ASD because of society and how it behaves, so it was very bittersweet. My son was missed countless times when it was clearly obvious (not to me I only recognised or understood classic) (I hoped it was delayed speech being my first child the tip toe walking the melt downs no eye contact the picky food eating I thought was just how every kid was except for the speech) looking back they ignored him for 3 years. So yes I am angry he suffered very badly at the hands of an idiot teacher to lazy to understand or look ASD up. This piece there 5 reasons, I am sure you can take pieces from and parts not, everyone has their own story and like asd we all differ, this was there story. I still feel guilt, and being told your kid has autism it is like the 5 stages of grief and loss only I never feel anyone gets to 5. I do not think they’re saying their kid is not a blessing, like I said it is society how they behave how they react how some cannot tolerate or understand our children and that hurts these moms for they love and are blessed by their kid. 🙂
Anonymous said:
There are responsible parents of autism spectrum children, and irresponsible ones. Just like anywhere else. There are those who soldier on and do the best to act as a go between for their child with society and assist in their development, and those who use it as an excuse to be a poor parent and expect everyone else to adapt or get used to their child’s actions, no matter how generally disruptive or disturbing to the public at large. Again, just as there militant martyrs with other conditions expecting the world to always bend to their needs, wants and desires. Not the real world unfortunately. In the real world people who turn their unfortunate condition into an excuse to be a militant against anyone who is disturbed by….disturbing displays or events…is deluded. Not saying it’s the greatest thing in the world, but it’s the way things are.
julie said:
U know what! I don’t thing from what you have written you have any understanding about autism. Because most parents that have children on the spectrum don’t condone the dysfunctional behaviour! But what they do is understand why the behaviour is happening there is a complete difference, if you ever actually stop and watch how the parent reacts the behaviour you will realise you have just talked out your arse!
candice said:
If u really understand autism then u have the cure. Try reminiscing what u have done before u have an autistic children.maybe that’s a lesson for u and u pay the price..instead of putting all your frustrations to them, u blame the society which is easier than criticizing your own child.
Anonymous said:
As the “normal” son of an autism mom (my brother is very low functioning autistic), I can understand why she acts the way she does. However, that does not make me any less terrified of how she might react to a given piece of news that inconveniences her. That’s why I constantly feed her the lie that everything is hunky dory with regards to my life, when most of the time that couldn’t be further from the truth, a third of it of it is out of me just trying to make sure she has as little on her plate as possible, another third is just me trying to keep her from going off on me, and the rest is me covering my own ass with regards to my own screw-ups. As a result of her husband cheating on her, she hates liars, and I know what I do just makes it worse in spades when she inevitably finds out, but I just don’t see how else I can cope with her behavior. I try to keep her at bay by sucking up as much as I can, and then when the lie comes out, and I finally try to be apologetic and tell her what’s wrong with me, she usually just mocks me and then makes some below the belt comment about my dad or his side of the family, and then demands an apology, while refusing to apologize to me for how crappy she just treated me. The only time where I can maybe get her to back off of me when she launches into a tirade is if I just act tough and get her to shut up in some way. Coupled to the fact that because of my brothers autism, we live with with her father who sees her as useless and a mooch and a failure, her mother who deals with my brother in the worst way possible, then tells her a laundry list of transgressions everyone committed once she gets home, her sister who has a relatively normal life (except for being cheated on as well) and who she is immensely jealous of, and her niece who is a bit of a brat and mouths off way more than a girl her age should, and it doesn’t make for the healthiest of family environments. Again, I get why she acts the way she does. If I was in her shoes, I’d probably be even worse that she is. I just can’t figure out a healthy way to cope with her.
eherrst said:
My heart breaks for you after reading this. I think the reason your mother is so upset about everything is because she has taken what your grandfather says to heart and she probably doesn’t feel comfortable in your living situation either. She’s probably overwhelmed with everything that is going on and just trying very hard to stay afloat. With you pushing the truth away to spare her feelings, she may be feeling like she’s losing you too and it’s making her panic and lash out. The only advice I can give is maybe to sit your mother down and explain to her the huge pressure you feel to keep her on an even level and maybe establish a safe method of being able to tell her about the things that are going on in your life. This can be a phrase between the two of you to let her know you want to speak truthfully and it may upset her at first, but you still want to be honest about what is going on with you. I know it’s kind of scary to face a parents wrath, but if you’re honest about things, it always goes much better than you’d think.
Kelly said:
I needed this at 2, 3 & 4 in the morning while my child was screaming. Thanks:-)
Anonymous said:
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU. Those are the only words I can even muster up right now….
Ellen Green said:
I just came across this and just had to say thank you!! I am a divorced mother with a 17 yr old son within the autism spectrum. I have experienced all if the above but perhaps the worst is to now be fighting with my ex husband who somehow has forgotten that his son has special needs. He’s failing school and his dad’s way if dealing with it is to yell and call him a liar amoung other things. If I try to speak up, I am dismissed and told I am making excuses for him. I’m so tired and alone right now so this was really a nice distraction.
julie said:
Hi Ellen Green,
My son is only 9 and when I read this all I did was cry! I have had some challenging behaviours and have brought my son up on my own. My ex has him in the holidays and thinks that the condition is a figure of my imagination as he doesn’t experience the behaviours. Recently he has used the behaviour as an excuse to fight me for custody saying if I cant handle the child he should be with him this has put more pressure on me to try and control my child making the behaviour escalate. Now I am getting obnoxious emails which all insinuate him the superior parent. I really feel let down by society my ex the family and everyone in between because is feels like no one gets it.
Julie
Anonymous said:
thanks,I needed this. I was feeling so alone tonight in the world of autism with my 14 year old daughter.
Jessica said:
Same here w/ my 5yr old son 🙂
Kristie said:
In complete agreement! My autistic son was black balled from our church!!! Now thats God’s love dontya think? (Insert sarcasm) a whole church full of asshats! I almost went back because asshats simply amaze me. I am aware that not everyone will see what I see when I look at my son but I was so shocked that a church woyld basically (not in so many words) tell me my perfectly imperfect son was not welcome! Lord help! I pray for them everynight because they need Jesus!
Anonymous said:
I’m so sorry for your horrible experience at your church. Our Kidz Worship Team is in the process of making some fantastic modifications to our Sunday School and Children’s Church programs to not only accommodate ASD kiddos, but to actively recruit families like yours who should be welcomed in a truly Christ-centered church. Hopefully what we are doing will be successful and can be a model for other church programs. I will pray for you and your son.
ana said:
YOU* TYPO LOL..
ana said:
YES!! YES AND YES!! THANK YOI FOR TUNNING SOME OF THE IGNORANT PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD INTO REALITY!..ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS AMEN!! I AM A SINGLE PARENT OF A NON-VERBAL SEVERELY AUTISTIC 34 MONTH OLD BOY! YES ITS HARD, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOUR OWN FAMILY IS IGNORANT TO WHAT AUTISM IS!.. NOW I KNOW IM NOT ALONE , THANK YOU ♥
mysticalcumaru said:
I thought I was alone. This was so helpful and funny.
Maggie said:
Same with autism siblings! I love this so much 🙂
Anonymous said:
Way back – over ten years ago – when my child was still somewhat portable (age 4) – I went on vacation. On a plane…to Mexico. On the flight down, I had purchased three seats in a row so we could spread out…my daughter began kicking -not hard – the seat in front of her…the more I tried to get her to stop the more she kicked, tapped with her foot – ..bomp..bomp..bomp..bomp..bomp.. you get the idea…
The guy sitting in the seat began grumbling loudly about this being why he and his wife decided never to have children, and that SOME people should not be allowed on planes with NORMAL people..and. more. He actually turned around, twice and told me he was going to contact the captain if I could not make my child stop kicking his seat and be quiet.
She was not kicking hard…and by this time I was trying to hold her so that her feet could not reach his seat…and she was fighting me and starting to scream…you know. This guy actually turned around and kneeled in his seat and shouted at me that he had paid for his ticket and did not deserve to have a child “like that” sitting behind him, screaming and kicking his seat. I was stunned…
I looked at him, and loudly said, “I am sorry that my child’s LIFETIME disability is slightly inconveniencing your 45 minute plane flight. There is nothing I can do about it.”
The people seated in the plane applauded, some even stood up and clapped.
The jerk sat, and was not heard from again.
Anonymous said:
Good for you! I would have been one of the ones applauding 🙂
Anonymous said:
I probably would have been dragged off by an undercover air marshal for beating the heck out of the guy.
Lynn Baker said:
So moms what do we do when the 10 year old autistic neighbor boy is attacking the four, five and, six year kids in our court. He also is attacking the pets! The neighbors are trying to work with the boy’s parents. But the parents refuse to take steps to help keep the little kids safe. We are good neighbors and we don’t call the cops, but could use some helpful advice!
Lisa said:
Lynn, the parents may not know what to do themselves or they may just be bad parents. 1 in 68 children are diagnosed with Autism in the U.S. Most of their parents are wonderful hardworking advocates some aren’t. Attacking how? Yelling, hitting, throwing things, tickling, hugging persistently? Is he unsupervised? Is he verbal or non verbal? Autism is a spectrum from horribly severe to so slight as to be unnoticeable. Can he understand what is said to him? Have YOU talked to the parents or the boy? What steps are the neighbors wanting the parents to take? I knew of a mom whose neighbors didn’t ‘t think her non verbal child should be allowed at the playground because his verbalization was yelling various syllables and frightened some of the other children. There are just too many variables for anyone to really give you a good answer online.
Robin Newberger said:
Funny blog ( : I have a 4-year-old with autism who is brilliant, sneaky, moody, and, I think, sometimes smarter than I am. Much of what you said was hilariously funny to me. In my blog, heisours@blogspot.com, I talk about grief — grieving over the loss of the child I thought I would have. I could never say I was angry at God for giving me the greatest blessing in my life. I don’t know who I would be or how I would live without that precious child, faults and all. I have as many faults and challenges as he does. More, actually. I understand what you mean about anger. I work hard at not living each day with unconfessed anger. I cannot be the mother I need to be if I’m carrying that kind of baggage around. Anger is blinding. Love helps us see.
daughter with autism said:
this is my first time to tell what it is like to have a child with autism. the doc. told my husband and me that our daughter was a moron and will always be a moron and when we get station back usa to put her in a institution. we where told she had on thing after another. it was not till she was 10yr that she had autism. she is now 31yrs old. she is still at home with her dad and me. her twin sister is her care giver. I don’t say I am sorry to people for her loud voice. for very bad melt downs. as that one part read people don’t know the kinds of messes I have had to clean up after her in stores. I now turn to ppl. who are rude with words to me or just rude looks I say it will cost you one price to keep looking and a higher price to have your pic. taken with her. when I have a full store look at her like a freak when she goes in to big melt down as I leave I will turn and say now you all can say you have seen a child with autism in a big melt down. one kind person posted that we are going to heaven because My Dear LORD gave me my daughter with autism. thank you for that though. my daughter is going to heaven. I an still have to work my way there as all of us have to. if I had one wish it would be people would be like little kids that ask what is wrong with my daughter. don’t judges family with special need children till you walk in my shoes. I love my baby girl I hate people who look down at her judge me as her mom. It is very hard to have a child with autism keep from hitting her self, hitting her head so on so on. she so strong we cant stop it. she cant talk so that makes it very hard as well. so all the fivr reason are so true so true.
Andrea said:
Truly I don’t know where to start, loved the top 5 Reason, just brilliant tears & smiles & mixed emotions of feeling I’m not alone although I have no friends to rely upon, or family if I’m honest, we are an Elite Force of parents fighting the daily snide remarks & stares from others.
Meltdowns & battle’s with our little one’s some we choose wisely to take, but others we know we won’t win.
My daughter is 14 now, she has severe Autism, this for me means,
I feed her, change her pads, clean up after her when She becomes creative with what belongs in her pad, my daughter is very vocal & a very happy girl, as we have lots of love & snuggles, of which I enjoy more than her,
hey but I’m selfish their as we WILL NEVER STOP that daily ritual, my daughter knows that to get rid of me which sadly she sometimes prefer she comes to kiss me & shows me the door 😦
God I love that girl, but I have to collect my emotions, you know the ones that I dreamt about, wanting to hold her so tight, read her stories through the night, bake cakes, go girly shopping, watch a soppy film whilst munching pizza, all of that I dreamt about, now I spend all my time just worrying for my girl,
living the day,
but always worried about tomorrow !
As I’m ‘My Daughter’s Keeper’
Keep up the good work you Fantastic Mum’s & Dad’s, remember we are a godsend to those we love & care for xxx Much Love xxx
Andrea😄💋
Angie said:
Hello it’s amazing to read about autism I have a two and a half year old son who was recently diagnosed with it, my son means the world to me, even knowing he has autism, that don’t change the way I feel about him!! There are many of people who we don’t associate with one is my older sister before my son was diagnosed with autism he would make all types of noises and she says to him that he belongs on a SPED bus, I felt very offended by that she has a child with a disability and never once did I treat him different from all my other nieces or nephews, another thing that bothered me is one of my brothers saying oh why can’t u be more like “Cameron” my sisters son, ayden is different and learns really different than other children he says some words like mum or bubba tata yea he had numerous of workers such as speech physo and others I am grateful for these ppl because they really help my son and my self through a lot of different strategies, ayden and I barley see my family because no one cares to come see us, sometime it’s better that way they are very judgemental people and say very hurtful things to us!!!! I am grateful god gave me this little boy yes I do admit it is challenging but god also wouldn’t of giving u this child if he thought u weren’t strong enough to do it! Everyone of u with a child with special needs are strong I know there has been many ups and downs but it really isn’t there fault to why the act out the way they do its hard for them to express them selves with our any words, Ayden also hasn’t been able to walk fully so he goes in a walker everyday to get strength through his legs, he’s doing truly amazing and I am proud of how much he progressed , his eating isn’t the greatest either he has to be on pediasure to help him get the proper nutrition he eats lil things like lil one yogurt, strawberry dessert, pizza puts in his mouth spits it out. Yes I have had my rough days with him but he’s worth it , he is worth all the sleepiness nights all the work, he’s my son and I would do anything I can for him, I wish all of u the best stay strong think positive ur child needs u to stay strong not only for them but ur self:)
Phyllis A said:
Angie, I know exactly what you are going through. My parents being “old school” dont have any idea what Autism is. Every time I go to their house to visit, my mother always has these remarks that are very hurtful. When my son has meltdowns, she always yells at him and says he is a bad boy. Then tells me that I should disapline him. She says that if he is disaplined, that this so called autism thing will go away. They are very ignorant when it comes to things like that. They dont understand what it is, how its treated, etc. Its aweful to say, but I dont even feel comfortable when I am visting them. It’s like, I feel like a stranger in a house that I grew up in. My son is my world. Is he a handful? Yes. Does he drive me crazy at times? Yes. Does he keep me up at night? Definately yes. But he is my son. I would do for him just like I have done and continue to do for my 2 daughters. God wouldnt of given him to me if he didnt think that I could handle him. ALL children are angels in God’s eyes. And I am very blessed that he blessed me with 3 of them.
Shelby Dove said:
so many times i would like to just look them in the face and say you couldnt handle half of what i handle on a daily basis. 18 yrs and i have only called a couple friend one time to help with my son when he was having a melt down. most of them would either snap or be in tears if they realized what we go thru and what our kids suffer because of their autism. poop on the floor? try the walls. broken toys? try windows, tvs, game systems, videos, dvds. smart mouth? try gutter mouth. im not a fighter but i seriously doubt they could throw to much at me or my son that we both have not survived. and i wonder how many thinks someone like me is a bad mom because i love my child as much as they love theirs and want him to stay in my life. even if he does throw big heavy hard back books at me. i understand he doesnt mean it, its just a melt down. wonder how many of them would have the heart to get to know him enough to realize this.
Eva-Marie Howard said:
I simply just have to say Thank you. This article brought me to be able to laugh about what I deal with on a daily basis. brilliantly written.
Mrs. I wish you would said:
I am a mother of a beautiful 3 year old recently diagnosed autistic child. He is my only son I never thought I’d have. When he started to fall behind on what other children his age were doing. I just thought he was a late bloomer. When family started commenting on why he isn’t talking, I said when he has something he wants to say he say it back off. Then the A word came up!!. I didn’t even know what it was. I was pissed they even said something like that about my child when Clearly both of there children have Adhd. So I took him about a year ago and have fought the whole way thru. I had the person say those horrible things to me…I tried to keep calm but that old F@@@er really had it coming. The last fight was two weeks with a doctor but of course I won. I love my son n will not back down from anyone and will defend him till I die. Everything you have expressed is sad but has truth behind it. So to all you ppl who are out there being rude. YOU MAY WANT TO THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU SAY BEFORE YOU SAY IT. WE HAVE A WHOLE LOT OF ANGER INSIDE N IM SURE YOU DONT WANT TO BE THE PERSON WE GO OFF ON.
To the person who wrote this thank you. I thought I waswas alone but now I know I’m not.
anonymous said:
I think my adult nephew has high-functioning Aspergers or is borderline. Whenever he misses social clues or reacts in a way that is inappropriate, I just politely ask him not to please respond that way. For example, one Sunday he had to work and then he joined his mom, dad, brother, brother’s wife and me for dinner and I asked him if he had a good day, and he yelled ”Of course I didn’t have a good day, I worked!” Then I politely asked him to not take out his anger over working on me, and he apologized. Later I talked to my sister about how I was trying to work on things with her son and she got really upset that I even mentioned it to her — that she had no control over him. Yes, no one has control over their adult children, no matter how healthy they are, but it’s okay to know about situations, especially when someone is trying to be nice and help her adult son catch things. I think she is overly defensive, and honestly, should go to therapy herself, to work out a lot of anger and depression issues over her son after this. I won’t talk to her about her son anymore — unless she asks, but I hope she can resolve her own inner turmoil, because it would not only be helpful to her, but could also help her son with others — maybe if another relative mentions to her about something he did, she could explain in a nice way that her son can respond to polite requests — perhaps it’s just a matter of being alerted about a situation. I remember years ago when I was in my early 20s going to Thanksgiving dinner at my sister’s house, and was totally socially clueless to even help her with the cooking. Instead of privately asking me to please help her, she went over to a male guest, and said loudly to everyone, look at my lazy sister not helping me! I was devastated! I forgave her because she was pretty young also, but it’s not too late to come out from a wall of utter anger and feelings of no control and stop being so overly defensive and attacking other people. There is a nicer way to educate everyone — including the adult son with Aspergers.
bealtaine said:
Read the article again. We have lost our child, our hopes and our dreams. We have a difficult life you will NEVER understand. Our children may never grow up and fly the nest. We worry about that when we are gone they will have to deal with people like YOU. Great, everyone once in a while you throw out a comment YOU think is appropriate. I’ve told my son 8 billions times to flush. The last thing I need is my snot of a sister coming over, twittering about how gollie she almost tripped over that mountain of laundry, and then standing in the bathroom going “ewwwwww”.
Brigid said:
Dear Anonymous, you are exactly who this article is written about. May I suggest you take the time to educate your pompous, upright, blinded self on actually what Autism and specifically Asperger’s Syndrome is about. Spoiler alert, it is a lifelong condition! So shut your trap and thank God He created you with the ability to discern social appropriateness. I am guessing you won’t take the time to read up on Asperger’s, another spoiler, these individuals have limited ability to discern when they are too loud, obnoxious, out of control, etc…..If your sister wasn’t so tired(which you refer to as lazy) she just might kick your ass!
Andrea said:
I feel so sorry for your sister & her son if this is the kind of family support she is receiving 😔 where do you get off with your high & mighty attitude acting like your sister is the problem, do you know how mentally & physically draining it is to care for another 24/7❓ no doubt you do, maybe you have that perfect little family your sister & I have only dreamt about❗
As a mother I would be truly defensive of YOU thinking YOU knew best do you not think your sister has thought of every situation a 1000x over In her head❓
I tell you something that would ease her depression not having such a judgmental sister as yourself,
You should be ashamed of yourself, but hey you sound like you think your the victim, maybe your sister is angry & defensive but I’d prefer to know 10 of her than 1 of U😡
Anonymous said:
Wow, you guys are insanely aggressive. What if anonymous has undiagnosed autism? Bet you’d all feel prettay prettay dumb.
Adry said:
Hi, I have two kids 6 and 4 and neither suffer from autism but have a step grandson with autism, he is the same age as my son but he is not verbal. He is visiting our house and will be here for three months. I came across your site and i need help, first my stepdaughter is not a normal person in the sense that was a troubled child and teenager who dropped school, has never worked, does not drive, spends all day in the web, she is obese, is very resentful with her father and the way he raised her and on top her childhood dreams of marrying and having children never came true. All that to say that my stepdaughter does not have regular hygiene or regular eating habits she is not neat and was bitter and depressed before becoming a mother.
Now that they are visiting we are trying to help but reading at your site it seems that every attempt would make matters worse. Rasing two small children myself I try to give them certain structure and teach them to be neat so I told her that if she could help me with that effort we would need to cleanup before bed. i told her that i do not care if the toys were all messy during the day but before bed they had to be picked up. I do not want to offend her or make her feel uncomfortable and i want to find ways to make the experience enjoyable for everyone and at the same time not risking the structure i want to provide for my children.
I will bath all three kids, i will play with all three kids and i will apply the same rules for all three kids (no hitting, no pushing etc) i have explained to my children that Joe understands differently and that he is still like a baby, he wears diapers and is not talking. by the way Joe and I have a great relationship because he is very loving and playful. I can feel the anger and sadness and all that you describe on my stepdaughter, just yesterday she was complaining my child do not like Joe and that my children do not want to share with him, i had to react like a mom and say well think as of it someone comes to your room and takes away all your stuff and then scatters everything over the yard, the living room etc. but then later i realized that the message must be different, i do not want to hurt her feelings, i want for them to feel welcomed and i still want to keep some structure in our house, and also i want my children to still feel they are at their own house. ow can i approach her and not hurt her? Any help will be most appreciated and i apologize if this post could offend someone, truly i am not gong through your feelings but i understand and empathize with all of you in every aspect.
Lisa said:
That sounds like a tough situation. There’s a lot more going on there than just autism, sounds like. Step-families can be tricky no matter what the neurology. My best advice is to just try to remain flexible, accept that not everybody is going to be able to follow the same set of rules and sometimes what we need most is simply a place where our kids can be themselves. I appreciate that you care enough to be concerned, that’s not always the case in some families. Best of luck to you… ❤
Adry said:
It is tough… thank you for your input is very valuable 🙂 We did set some limits for all and it has been working for a couple of days, we still have 2 and a half months to go 🙂 so we will see, on the bright side, Joe responds very well to an environment with other kids. Thank you again!
char said:
Finally a website that speaks from the minds of every autism mum, love it x
Mom 2 2ASD boys said:
It’s frustrating that both my boys (5 & 2 yr olds) have ASD but seems to be high functioning. Often times, I tend to lose it esp with my 5 yr old. Sadly, My husband is supportive but not involved. He is also super neat freak, methodical & a perfectionist. It’s hard that a single scratch on a wall, slamming doors due to stimming or tantrum would set him off, etc. Since he is the breadwinner & I am the homemaker, I feel he blames me when such things occur. Lately, I pour out my frustrations on my 5 yr old who is very verbal but in a “robotic” way because he is very strong -headed & wants things here & now. My husband doesn’t read much info on ASD & sensory & expects me to “deal with it.” He says it’s my job as the homemaker. This pressure on me builds that things always turn out into arguments…in turn upsets my 5 yr old & he throws a fit when he senses either one of us is angry…thus, the catch 22. He thinks as the breadwinner his “job” ends at 5 PM. When he sometimes helps me with my 5 yr old, e.g., at bathtime & bedtime, he complains that he’s doing more of my job. As the sole provider, he controls all expenses but is very good at it. Anything that the therapists or the books suggested, say, to help with sensory/OT stuff that would cost a $ or more, is always subject to discussion & if he doesn’t see any value in it, wouldn’t even consider getting it. I call him a person in a box because of his way of thinking. My 5 yr old is very good at taking care of his things & helps me clean the house. However, often times he’d get obssessed at doing things his way even though he is not very well coordinated at times. Just imagine if he accidentally hits the walls with the vacuum cleaner nozzle. All hell will break lose. My 5 & 2 yr olds have tendencies to self-inflict themselves when in a full blown tantrum & sometimes they happen at the same time. My husband will deal with it in an angry way that gets me angry too. At the end of the day, I feel defeated & helpless because my tall 5 yr old is getting to be uncontrollable. I feel guilty bec I am yell back at him & apparently is not solving the problem. I don’t tell family & friends my problems due to the intricacies of ASD. I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels like this. Thanks for listening…apologies as my comment is a novel.
DragonMystic said:
Don’t feel bad, you are definitely not alone here I have three boys (one 11yr old and two 8yr olds) and ASD is only one of the diagnoses we deal with daily. Every morning we wake up and deal with anger right from the get go and we too have dealt with self-inflicted harm which seems to be improving but still needs to be monitored. Stay strong and know that with your strength and encouragement your children will go far! ❤
ehi ohunyon said:
I am a mum of a lovely 8 year old boy. My son was diagnosed with ASD at age 3, and with ADHD at 6. I learnt about the wheat and gluten free diet and have been religious about this. My husband is in so much denial and feels it’s a waste of time. I just started a new job and it’s been dad who prepares dinner as am still at work then. He has not been following the special diet and our son has been acting up lately. PAfter I had left for work this morning, the nanny rang me and told me that my boy had had an episode of a bad tantrum; he took off his shoes, socks and almost taking off his trousers screaming outside and no one could understand what he wanted. He could not express himself as he has severe speech delay.
I have been crying since. I have alwsyd built a wall around me and i guess it didn’t work today. All the bottled emotions come to play today. I know I will be fine. ..but I keep wondering how long am l going to do this for or will he ever be like his sisters some day?
Karl Garnett said:
I’m a Single father one aged 7 1/2 going onto 3. My Son has Autism and to make thing worse I have Asperger’s. I’ve read this Article and I also know how the single moms feel. Myself am getting to the point that If I get told how to raise my son again I will get a shirt made up saying what is wrong with my him and at the bottom in BIG PRINT it will Have THEN P… OFF. just in case they don’t understand. Single or couple parents with kids with Autism do it hard. But I just wish the Child would come with a user Manual. Children with Autism is like reading a User manual that’s not in English, Its bad enough when it is but harder when you cant understand the child and what they are try to say.
Sean MacNair (@y2daddy) said:
Thanks for writing. I am the father of two children with autism. Dads voices need to be heard too.
Lindsey Rohm said:
After having a terrible evening with my Aspergers & ADHD son, I came across this article while researching my frustrations on the Internet. It’s the best article I’ve read in a long time. As I began to read it I couldn’t help but laugh because it was all so familiar. However by the last paragraph I found my eyes to be filled with tears. Coping with these feelings day to day is so difficult. For some reason it’s a little bit comforting for me to know that I’m not the only one suffering through this. If only those “straight laced” bitches could live one day our lives to see what it feels like!
Anonymous said:
I’m a very proud mother of a autistic child. My son is very intelligent. Now for the anonymous people on here putting your 2 cents in.. Nobody needs your approval or opinion… Thank you bye!
Anonymous said:
Well said
Garrison said:
My kid is very violent…I didn’t know so many other people didn’t sleep either…I have been a Dad with a 12 year old autistic son with out Mom in the picture for a year. Great school, Great kid, but its so very difficult. I hate it when they take video while my son is fighting me, or the guy who says do not hurt that kid…the teacher who said the way they act at home is the way the act at school. What I love is him…With other medical problems he my not have a long life. Im lucky to have him.
Kat said:
I do not have pent up rage.. my son is on the spectrum and I find the biggest challenge for us is that he is high functioning and people do not believe that he has autism… as if they know more than the many specialists who diagnosed him.. even some of my own family stands in judgement. I can honestly say I have found a JOY in raising my son that I never knew existed. his sensitivity and powers of perception are like built in BS detector.. so I can weed out all the assholes who wear a ‘mask’..cause he knows what they ‘think’ what they ‘feel’ .. and it has helped me/ us to embrace the true authentic people out there. cause sometimes even people speaking the right words.. also underneath..in their thoughts.. are speaking sh*t. It has been hard to watch some friends/family walk out of our lives but I truly feel blessed.. because I don’t have to wonder anymore what people really think. I just know..thanks to my son and what he has taught ME. I very much enjoyed this post and yes.. i too have gone off on a few.. but it is more out of just wanting to give my kid a voice when he didn’t have one ( he just started speaking recently). every child with autism is certainly unique.. and I am so happy my son has a chance as his autism is mild/moderate.. and I am so happy to have found I have all this patience I never knew I had and all this love for all the families going through this. you don’t have to fight as*holes.. just hold your head up and walk past ..let people speak sh*t..it is only a reflection of themselves.. and you will slowly find the ones who are authentic people/ friends/ family and you will come to realize the rest of those as*holes don’t matter in the least.. their BS talk just goes to show you that you/we are happier with our amazing autistic kids that they.
Michelle said:
When my son was about 3 yrs old i was told by my mother-in-law that there was something wrong with my son , i was pissed and in denial ! Little did i know she was right but i hated the way i was told and so numerous doctor visits and Inland regional visits it took until my son was 5 to get him Help i fought every day cause once this boy talked so sweet and so cute to me totally lost all is voice and would stare off in the distance … Yes im pisses because why was this happening to my baby boy that smiled , laughed , Said mama and dadda and loved everything and then just to watch him shut down , no laughing, smiling , no words anymore !!! Why God why??? I asked everyday !!! As time passes on it was easier For me to except that my child has Autism regardless on whatever he had I still love my baby and treated him no different ! I worked with him day and night and soon after a little sister came along , he seem to be very interested by her and showed love towards her . Then came a baby brother now he was born with Cerebral palsy because of what happened at birth but i was forewarned that he may develop Autism and indeed he did at 3 yrs old ! I was prepared and excepting it was ok with me because im doing it with my older son Mikael !! Now today Mikael 10 yrs old and with so much work we have done and still doing he can talk but mono tone , hes a very smart boy , he smiles and laughs at everything , he tells me he loves me all the time and thats all that matters , hes becoming more social now and now hes in 2 regular mainstreamed classes ” science and P.E !!! So awesome very proud !!! My daughter Saralily is 7yrs old and bright and so pretty and very loving and caring towards her brothers , very big help !!! My Jack is now 6 yrs old , he is funny and talks up a storm , totally different from Mikael but he is delayed but very smart ! Hes my challenge every day cause he has attitude , and loves to pester his brother and sister which i think is totally normal cause i did that to my bother and sister but my children are my life and they keep me on my toes everyday and i love to be Challenged every day !!! My new Husband loves my kids and how lucky was i to get a man to except my children no matter how they are ! We face mean and hateful looks from other children because they dont know what Autism is and we educate them , adults i never had a problem with because now in days people are getting to know about Autism but they do need to teach there children im just saying !!! My life as a mom has been so exciting , excausting, fun, tiring , full of love and laughter , and being angry , upset and frustrated but i wouldnt trade my life for the world cause this is all worth it so I thank you God for giving me Three Beautiful children and with Autism , everyday i learn something new and daily we face challenges but i enjoy it but if someone messes with my kids then
They will have a mother with full bore rage of coming after your ass and trust me they wont find you !!!!
Paul James said:
I have an adult stepson with autism and 3 daughters. My stepson is very capable in the things he enjoys and talks endlessly about them. He is given plenty of money by the government with which to spend on his pleasures playstation computers meals out in pub on own or with support. Unlike my children. But ask him to empty a bin or do anything and just below the surface is a punch with my name on it. His mother blames me saying its the way i speak to him. That i dont treat him like my own. I have know my stepson since he was 15 and went to school meetings for 3 years when his bio mum and dad would not. Ss was excluded for inappropriate sexual behaviour (i still dont know exactly what this means.) I work bio mum and dad dont. I interact with ss. Bio mum and dad dont. I fear for mine and my daughters saftey and the effects being raised in a house with constant tension and violence just below surface. I get fed up with bio mums following the line of least resistance. Just because a child has difficulties does not put them above the law. Taking a swipe at people who dont understand is like burying your head in the sand. Isolating yourself and children from society bring great problems than it solves. Unless your prepared to live the rest of your life like that. Which is rather unfair to you. Dont sacrifice your whole life.
linda said:
my son came home from school yesterday , a new school he started less than a year ago and told me he checked his watch and the time was wrong, so he reset it and carred on working . a teacher saw and came over and took it off him without giving a reason.. he was so upset he stopped working for 5 minutes to process it. Another teacher sees him not working, dosent ask why and goes over to him , and in front of the whole class calls him a lazy brat who dosent have autism lke they say he does and to get out the room!!!
he went to tell the head at lay time who sat there telling him what a great school it is , asked why he was called a lazy brat, he said he wasnt working…did she ask why? no ! she just launched into a tirade against him saying thart he comes here to work and instead he holds his best friend back who works lovely without my son (yea, my son works better without his best friend to…maybe not as well but hes autistic for crists sake!!! how the hell do you think you will get away with saying that??) well i had to send my husband in with him this morning as i am afraid of what i might say , gonna arm myself with knowledge and then im gonna attack!
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Shayla Stevens said:
And secondly, if you can’t sleep because your horrible child screams for Popsicles at 3am, tell him/her to shut up. You can’t whine about your autistic kid because you chose to keep it instead of putting it in a home where it belongs.
Suzanne said:
Woohoo. I am laughing so hard at this obvious “poke the bear” post. Go away troll. We are angry and we know how to fight-did you even read the post? Move along Captain Ignorance.
DragonMystic said:
Well said Suzanne, some people just have to “poke the bear”…maybe they are the ones that should be institutionalized. I love this blog and will continue to enjoy hearing about others going through similar situations and their ways of dealing with those more awkward moments in our lives…especially the internal dialogues, they are GREAT!!!!!
Joanna Russo said:
People who keep their autistic child home do so because they LOVE THEIR CHILD. despite the fact that they keep them up half the night. Every misinformed person who thinks they know it all and says they are brats and belong in institutions or homes, should be ashamed of themselves. It’s a disgraceful comment!! PARENTS OF AUTISTIC CHILDREN DESERVE COMPASSION, RESPECT AND HONOR, NOT HATEFUL COMMENTS.
jenniferwaite said:
You ready to pay the taxes to house 1 in 50 school aged children? And I don’t believe you. No one is that big of an asshole.
Shayla Stevens said:
Sorry, but autistic kids ARE brats. They belong in institutions, not in the public.
mplo said:
Sorry, Shayla Stevens, but your comments on here show real insensitivity towards those who are different through no fault of their own. In a perfect world like the one you clearly advocate, autistics wouldn’t be out in the regular world, working, paying taxes, and living a normal life, and independently, which a lot of them do. Get a grip and control yourself, babe. With your attitude, you’d do the late Boston School Committeewoman Louise Day Hicks (remember her?) and all her backers down in Southie (South Boston, MA), and Charlestown, MA.
Officer Rite said:
I agree with you mplo
mplo said:
Thank you, Officer Rite.
Anonymous said:
I agree with Shayla…bunch of brats…
Anonymous said:
WOW how insensitive.. I really hope karma never gets you and give you an autistic child or grandchild. Then you’ll get to see who is the brat. How immature…
TAM said:
Shayla and the idiot anonymous person, It’s very clear that you both are truly very ignorant! I have a 7 year old grand daughter that was “Normal” so to speak, she smiled, laughed and talked quite well (for her age) till about the age of 3 when her “Normal” world spun out of control into a world of silence! Why don’t you educate yourselves a little on Autism, you may be surprised about what you find out about these wonderful Children and adults. You should also consider yourself to be very blessed that you have a so called “Normal” life.
Officer Rite said:
Shayla, and u b long b hind bars; in a cell with smelly socks!
anonymous said:
Shayla, u ARE a total bitch hate to say it like that, but i AM a child with autism and you should not say shit like that. reading this blog i saw nothing but compassion and understanding in these posts. until i got to what you said about these children belonging in an institution. you hurt me so bad with your posts. shit like that is like a stab in my gut and in my heart and deserves to be punished. Officer Rite, ur so right. It is perfectly ok to be different. As for you, Shayla-the heartless and ignorant bitch, not only have you pissed the whole autism mom community off with your posts, you have pissed off an actual teen with autism, who is me posting right now, so go straight to hell and share your shit talk with your heartless friends who want to hear it, cuz we don’t want to hear that over here on the autism friendly side of the planet. And just because i am autistic has nothing to do with me being in the Spanish National Honors society at one of the top 100 high schools in the nation, being extremely talented in chorus and art, and being an A-B student. Be warned. I will not tolerate that crappy attitude towards autistic children. If i hear one more shitty post like that, just know that i am completely pissed off and I will NOT back up off you until you change your attitude and i hear something nice come out. Now you know,
Goodbye
anonymous said:
wow — this is really a very destructive blog — just a lot of angry people spewing hate to each other. I used to spew hate against people who said unkind things to me as a bipolar, but then I went to a therapist and she said that I was giving them too much emotional power over me. The light bulb went on! Now I just ignore haters, because you can’t control them — and you only have ONE LIFE — so just completely put them out of your head and focus on enjoying the rest of your life, while you can…:) peace be to you, and I truly mean that!
Anonymous said:
Wow. What an ignorant person you are. Families, and especially children, don’t ask for autism, and many families are doing the best they can. One day you will get old or something like autism might affect your family. You might want to think before you open your hateful mouth. You might just find people just like you when you need help for yourself. It’s called karma.
Carol Elizabeth Melvin said:
LMAO. Abso-freakin’-lutely true. My son has Asperger’s and I am an ABA therapist for kids on the spectrum… I got LOADS of societally unaccepted anger. The most recent example: I completely went OFF on my local Domino’s… My son’s current goal as a 16 year old is to independently place his order, address the delivery driver, tip accordingly, and ensure that his order is correct. The driver FORGOT his drink, silently accepted a $7 tip on a $13 order, and acted pissed off when asked to return to the store, retrieve the paid for drink, and return. Upon return, the asshat pointedly ignored my now humiliated and severely uncomfortable son’s “Thank you,” and turned his back on MY loudly proclaimed, “Have a nice night.” Ummmmm,,,, really?!?! You KNOW this autism mom was on the phone with the manager in 2.5 seconds FLAT. “Do you REALIZE that for people on the spectrum food delivery is quite possibly their most reliable source of FOOD??? And do you REALIZE that in this backwards town, their ONLY choices are pizza or Chinese??? And do you REALIZE that your driver’s attitude could possibly cause a person to rather DIE from STARVATION than EVER have to DEAL with that little SNOT ever again?!?!?!?!” Ahem. So, needless to say, we now have the MANAGER that delivers our weekly order and a free large, 2 topping pizza waiting for us to order it, provided my ASD kid EVER wants pizza rather than wings (no holding your breath), and, most likely, a snapshot of our house, with phone number and address, with WARNING stamped across it, hanging in the local Domino’s. Don’t Piss Off An Autism Mom. Period.
Anonymous said:
Damn it girl! I heard that!
Anonymous said:
I have autism(diagnosed at age 11) and was taught how to cook. My mom likes to call this “selective Incompetence”. You should be ashamed of yourself to think your son is so incapable. How did you get a job as an ABA therpist anyways?
jenniferwaite said:
It’s a spectrum. Kudos to your mom for teaching you to cook, shame on her teaching you that your peers who can’t are choosing incompetence.
monique said:
Hilariously true!! Its happened to me too. Public tantrums always attract those senseless people who just think your kid is a brat. One lady was bold (stupid?) enough to ask me “whats wrong with your son? You should really do something about him screaming!” I just ignored her and d my breath as i walked away from her
RaqO said:
Unfortunately, I do know an autistic mom that does let her kids act out. A little background first, my mom worked in the special ed field and I volunteered a lot and worked with several children. I am now a very proud aunt of one autistic 7 year old girl and a special needs two year old nephew.
My boyfriend’s sister has 3 autistic children, varying along the spectrum. Whenever we are over at their house, we always have to go to their house because it is easier on her, the kids are either watching tv or on the computer for hours straight. They come out to whine for food and are kept waiting. The mom says they are lucky to get fed on a regular basis. The oldest one, it is barely noticeable that he is autistic, he has attacked his teacher a few times though. One of them is as autistic as I have ever seen it, one of the younger ones. I have had a bit of a problem with the one just mentioned, he has physically hurt me several times. I walked with a cane before I had knee surgery and he regularly tried to pull it out from under me. While sitting at the table he sat next to me and proceeded to kick me, I had some massive bruises appear shortly, that same day I was sitting on the couch and he came around and kicked my ankle, 8 months later it is still so very painful! This is just a few examples of the many, many things he has done to cause me pain.
A few months ago, I had knee surgery. I had been healing rather well, been making a lot of progress. Yesterday on Christmas, this child, comes and plops down on the on my knee which was resting up on the sofa icing.
The past few months I have done everything to stay away from him, but that is not working. I don’t understand why he randomly comes up to me and hurts me, is that common with autistic children?
My Doctor today told me I am going to need physical therapy for the injuries he has caused me.
KDD said:
This is the most uneducated, whiniest post I have ever read. “Barely noticeable that he is autistic?” “One of them is autistic as I have ever seen it?” I love those who say, “Oh, I work with kids…” or “I know kids…” or, as in your case, “I have a niece/nephew..” In other words, you don’t live with autism 24-7 as we mothers do. You see it once in a while and obviously think that autism is a one-size, two-tier diagnosis: They’re either Rainman or they’re severe. Right? WRONG.
You seriously think that this child is out to get you? Gee, self-centered or paranoid lately? Here’s an idea: Stay away from him. He obviously senses something in you that others don’t and is acting out on it. Smart kid.
“My doctor today told me I am going to need physical therapy for the injuries he has caused me.” Yes…because it is about YOU.
For the record, they are not “autistic children.” If he had cancer, would you call him a cancerous child? No. They are children with a diagnosis of autism.
Take this whiny post elsewhere where others might possibly feel sorry for you, it doesn’t even have anything to do with the topic at hand. That being said, however, if your intent was to piss of an autism mom, well-played.
RaqO said:
Actually, if you have read most of these posts, autistic child, autistic Mom/Dad is one phrase used quite frequently. No, I do not live 24/7 with autism, but I did volunteer for over 4 years, 15-20 hours a week with autistic children, which I created bonds with several different children. I understand that when you have met one child with autism, you have met one child with autism, as each child is different.
I am not the aunt you have described. I have been a second mother to my niece and nephew, helping to raise them!
Did I use the term Rainman or say “one-size, two-tier diagnosis”? NO! Because I UNDERSTAND that is NOT the case and I know that is not reality. I DO NOT consider putting your 3 “children with a diagnosis of autism” in front of a tv for 5 hours while chitchatting with your friends how the children should be watched, any children!
The only thing he sensed was that I felt bad that his whole family said the worst things behind his families back, and after he pushed his grandfather and greatgrandmother to the ground causing severe injuries to them that I was a little scared that this child could hurt me AGAIN!
Why are half of the people that post on here attacked by angry moms? No one is posting to make you upset or ask you to take your anger out on us! Some of us are trying to embrace your children, not treat them how strangers have!
monique said:
Well said. From one pissed off MOM to another. Seriously NOTHING is comparable to YOUR child having autism. I hate when people say that “i know someone” or “i work with”, news flash, ITS NO WHERE CLOSE TO WHAT WE OVERCOME .
Sandra said:
honey, SUCK IT UP!!!!!
stop whining, you might be hurt, so don’t go to their house!!
YOU go help them, see what its like ALL DAY EVERY DAY.
THEN you can whine and bitch and moan about it!
Why don’t you hang a sign around your neck that says “Don’t Touch Me, I’m Broken”
Go cry for yourself in a corner somewhere, while the mom is still trying to hold on to her sanity! IF YOU CANNOT HELP, THEN STOP BITCHIN AND STFU!!!!
(I am a mom of an autistic child. no one visits us or even gives a dam. him and his sister are the only family i got.)
Hell Yeah I am mad!
Anonymous said:
Wow, your rant is disgusting. How did you even end up here? Go away.
RaqO said:
No one visits you because you treat people like crap! The mom I am talking about is too busy drinking beer to watch her children or know what one or two of the three are doing! Don’t worry I am not going to their house again.
As I posted above, I did volunteer for over 4 years, 15-20 hours a week with autistic children, which I created bonds with several different children. Once my niece came along, I became a second mother to help her out.
I have done what I can to help so maybe you should quit attacking people when you don’t know everything! If I was your sister, I would still come visit you 3x a week, but if you treated me like this or talked to me in this manner, well I can see why no one visits you! Its not 100% about your child, your attitude turns people away!
You have a right to be mad, but NOT at me, so don’t take it out on me!
This is not someone “bitching” or whatever else you want to call it, I was genuinely hurt and may need surgery. I have communicated with a rep from TacaNow and they said I should have a sit down with the parents, that it showed a lack of respect letting their child hurt me and be honest if they bring up me going over there again. I was hoping to get some helpful advice on how to handle this, genuine helpful advice, but I am sensing too much anger.
I am being honest and calm with my post, if you can’t do the same, please skip my post!
allmykidshaveaspergers said:
I think that you have a genuine griveance, and understand your pain, but I don’t think this is the spot to highlight what you consider problem parenting, as many women for many reasons have this kind of charge levelled at them often, usually by people who presume to understand the problems, and leave the women to do the work. I think even talking about putting kids in front of tvs is not helpful on this forum as I think many truly exhausted women who don’t get support or who have children who spend lots of (helpful, productive) alone time with electronic devices would again say you are getting a part of a picture. It may be that you are right about many things, which would say to me that the woman in question needs more help and support. I guess you painted a picture of visiting her house, not helping, if you are observing (the kids in front of the tv, mum needing the support of friends), I think practical help- taking the kids out, or a child out, playing games and letting mum get out, and helping with the cooking or house, are all things I wish I’d had, but didn’t, and assume she would also like. In my experience mums need practical help and understanding about their exhaustion levels. As for the child in question, you should tell him loudly ‘stop’ and turn him away from you so he can’t connect with you, as you loudly say, ‘stop it you are hurting me’ which highlights the situation for mum, who might be zoning out on something else, or assuming you can deal with the child yourself as you know him. Ask mum, ‘how can I stop him hurting me?’ loudly.I don’t think anyone here would suggest you should put up with being hurt, and it is certainly not the case that children on the spectrum are like this, it sounds as though this child sees you as a threat, remember these kids overfeel, is there a chance he feels strong disapproval from you toward himself or his mum and is acting out? Relationships are usually two way, however, if you can’t see why the problems happens, the best you can do is just stay away, it doesn’t help anyone if you are hurt each time you visit, you have to look after your own health first. Good luck.
Nancy said:
Wow! Did you even read this post? Why would you go out of your way to piss this crowd off so deliberately? The mom “let’s her kids act out”? Like a little discipline would change their autism? Acting out is part of the disorder. There is only so much that can be done. Just get down on your knees and be grateful that it is your boyfriend’s sister that has to deal with this and you have a few annoying visits.
mplo said:
Since there are varying degrees of autism, I think that it sort of depends on how severely autistic a child is. Often enough, if a child with autism is high-functioning and not retarded, s/he can learn a certain degree of self-control and be made to realize that “acting out” in public is not appropriate or acceptable.
jenniferwaite said:
Yes. The only solution is for you to not drag your judgemental, ignorant self into their home anymore. Ya know, because THEY’RE the rude ones.
Linda said:
I feel upset that you have been in so much pain, however there are a few things you should consider, inside the brain of a child on the autistic spectrum are neurotransmitters that fail to work as they should. Just as you have pain because of injury, a person with ASD problems has pain. Pain at not knowing why they do our say things, pain that causes them to wish they were dead because at 6 years old that’s what my son said. He knew he did unacceptable things but couldn’t stop, he looked up at me one day and simply said… I wasn’t too die mum and be in heaven with God, because I’m so naughty and everyone hates me, but God is kind and understands me. Nobody loves me in this world. If a person has a stroke and cannot control their speech or actions, we know it’s because there’s brain damage. Is the same with ASD symptoms, they need help, love, patience and understanding. If the child caused so much pain, why not sit somewhere else, and not next to a child that is governed by extreme routines, overwhelming fears and sensory issues. If a person with epilepsy had a fit and fell on you causing damage, would you tell that person they were a brat and naught,y, no, because you would know it was beyond their control, as an ASD child grows up, he or she does learn certain aspects of etiquette, and kindness,, from devoted parents. Both my boys, 18 and 24 are both quite a bit better but still have severe problems in some aspects of life, I just needed to get you informed a little more.
Jane said:
It’s not just moms but sisters too! My older brother is autistic and I have always felt the need to protect him from the world. I will not hesitate to shame the adults who stare especially now that my brother is older and calmer. And being in a country where witchcraft is suspected on mental conditions its not easy explaining his condition to those people that genuinely want to know.
Going with him out in the public means I am prepared to be rude n nasty to deserving people. It’s so sad since my brother is a wonderful man who loves to sing.
Lisa said:
Jane, I would give anything for my boys to have a sister like you. ❤
Anonymous said:
I totally absolutelly agree with this article… it’s so true!
Mediaho said:
Parents of autistic children are often targets of accusations and suspicions, especially when professionals or caregivers are caught abusing their autistic children/adults. The below case seems to be one of those examples, as the defense team of suspected abusers continues to attack the parents to shift focus off their horrible abuse caught on tape. Thank God for video showing the reality of what these two caregivers did, as nothing their defense will say will ever erase the reality of what they did to this defenseless autistic man who was in their care.
http://www.nbcsandiego.com/news/local/Alleged-Abusive-Caregiver-Michael-Garritson-has-Criminal-Past-170623176.html
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2206111/Caregivers-beat-severely-autistic-man-unable-talk-hundreds-times.html
http://www.cbs8.com/story/19604621/2-men-accused-of-abusing-autistic-man-plead-not-guilty
Tanya said:
I’m an autism mom. I’ve always known I was crazy. This article was amazing 🙂
Foodforthoughtlinds said:
‘Nuff said. You made my day reading this 🙂 I should maybe print a copy and just hand it out to all of those critics I run into every day.
photosofthem said:
ok this is my first blog ever yeah I know. First I’m going to apologize foor my grammer thanks to my add my mind runs a hundred miles a minute especially when referring to cameron which is eight he went to his first appt for clinical diagnosis last month that is when I started researching anything I could find I was so frustrated because I didnt understand my child and the way he thinks until the topic of autism came up he was born 26 weeks 18 oz so there are developmental delays on top of the autism plus the seven month nicu stay coming home with a trach oxygen and a feeding tube until three years ago I missed oout on almost everything with him I wasnt his mom I was his nurse my next comment isnt random it does have refferance I also have a three year old that is extremely smart he gave me the opportunities that i didnt have with cam and filled a huge void cam until reading this article i never realized that i have been grieving for the baby every mom wants with him being so critical and medically dependant i never got over being angry with god and the why me commentsand still question how well i bonded with him when i couldnt hold him for five months i put up ..the first few years the hospital stays and docter appointments were crazy as soon as the medical issues slowed down to where I could begin to enjoy him without being scared to sleep in fear i wouldnt hear his sat monitor the behavior began it peeked when i was pregnant with gabriel he was very agressive, slept max three hours a night when he was awake he was running,pacing, hollering, clicking and swinging his arms. he gets a certain laugh and you can see his facial expression change when his switch turns on after 18 months on a dev peds waiting list and him throwing knives at me one by one while laughing he fineally started his first medicine which helped but the behavior was and still is so frustrating i cant help but have some resentment and the resentment comes behavior he cant help but moms of an autistic child knows that most outing, dinners get ruined there is no walking outside for a minute because you walked into another room come back a minute later to a huge mess because when you come in from outside the mess has grown and added stains. i feel so alone in my reality that i can talk until im blue in the face but have never felt that any of my family fully grasp what my life is like on a daily basis and i get sooo mad when someone tells me “i understand” “I know its rough” ” I know what your going through” “just breath” when im begging for tranqualizers or “things will get better” I have found myself literally yelling no the hell you dont know what im going through through gritted teeth and stomping my foot it is the most lonely feeling the few people in my life i can rant and vent to freely without judgement i have gotten them to read this article and they have all said they understand a little better and through all my yelling and crying they get it a little better with more understanding now camerons first autistic appt was a blessing and a curse it was good because I have spent almost nine years trying to make him behave and feeling like such a failure as a mother but at least i know i wasnt the problem his behavior is beyond both of our control on the other side i spent several weeks eat up with guilt thinking back how often i raised my voice for him not doing what he was told and actually he probibly didnt understand or punishing him for bad behavior in public and all he needed was a break to destem and it also just added another thing to his list i get so frustrated in public with him all i want is to enjoy the day without incident or being on pins and needles watching for the signs hoping i catch it before he break one more think i have to pay for and my frustration is not hidden from anyone with a lick of sense since i cant yell at my kid for something he cant help i damn sure will tell someone off that deserves it i look at rude ignorent people like i do spiders they need to be squished with a shoe as soon as possible with my body language and facial expression while im toting him out under my arm after i just had to kick my flops off to chase him through the store with him grabbing and knocking everying over until i reach him then all the way back to the door if someone has the nerve to even breathe in my direction they deserve what they get …..i never yell and cause more of a scene among the various comments ive gotten from the public i want to leave them either extremely embarrased for their behavior, apologetic or their jaw dropped several of my retorts have been “lady if you hold your nose up any higher youll drown if it sprinkles ” since you seem to have a problem with my sons behavior he has the best excuse ever for his behavior he is autistic and large crowds frighten him now since your behavior was so horrific towards us I’d love to hear the reason for yours , dont have , didnt think so now apologive to my special needs autistic son you just snickerd, whispered to your friend, rolled your eyes and talked about just loud enough to make sure i over heard and you need to apologize for those things seperately….I swear with that lady if my eyes could glow red they were ive also asked a man if he know that motheres are reffered to mama bears and he most likely knows what mama bears do to anything that messeres with her cubs she eats them i glared at him and stormed out with a grrr through gritted teeth
quilterina said:
amen to this and more!
Heres the questions I deplore:
WHAT”S WRONG WITH YOUR KID?!
Anonymous said:
New to ASD. Came across this post & thought you were reading my mind! Love it~
Carla said:
This is so true! I can totally relate to this. There have been only a few times this has happened to us. My husband says he thinks it would happen more if I didn’t have that “I wish a mother f*#$er would” look to me at all times. Once I let it go because no matter if my son is autistic or not what he did at the time he knew better than to do. However, I did in a nice way tell her that she was correct in saying he was old enough to know better than that but she was old enough to know what boundaries were and that she was crossing them, gave her a smile and a wink and walked off. The other few times it happened I thought I was going to end up on the 10 pm news that night. I have to come to a point in my life now where I try to lead by example now that he is 7 so I just ignore them the best I can. I will be passive-aggressive at times and try and turn it into a teaching lesson for my son at the same time. For example, if someone says something ignorant, I will embarrass the person by walking up to them and asking them to repeat it again out loud so my son can hear them. If they won’t then I say oh I am sorry I guess it wasn’t that important and walk off. If they will repeat it again I will tell my son in front of them that their behavior is a great example of how we should not act because their actions are based on their own ignorance and we can’t let ignorant people own our emotions because if we did we would just be feeding the ignorant persons attention seeking false sense of entitlement that gave them the idea that their opinion mattered and that they should share it out loud to begin with. They usually have a strange look on their face like what I just said was a puzzle to them and they are trying to figure it out and then I will say, oops we need to go now we used big words with them and they need to get home to google it. I always follow it up with a big smile 🙂
I have MS, narcolepsy, chronic fatigue, and fibromyalgia. I have a college degree in Behavioral Science, 4 dogs, 2 cats, 1 husband, and a child with autism, adhd, odd, ocd, spd, etc……..but what I do not have……is the time and patience for ignorance.
realworld said:
Good for you Carla! I have a friend who can’t leave her home at the minute because her child doesn’t cope with any social time outside of school, he is also self-harming, the school is trying, but he needs something else, probably home schooling, but it is a hard road, I’ve done it. Mum is just holding on by the skin of her teeth. He is 7, she is exhausted, and he is a very high-functioning person who just doesn’t cope with school, he needs different help at school, more breaks, and other things besides. I know other mums with kids the same age 7-8, who have given up on their own friends, and on their kids having friends, they won’t take their kids out because of the looks if their child has a sensory meltdown. Forums like this are so important for the isolated families out there doing their best, and sometimes just hanging on by the skin of their teeth.
Carla said:
Absolutely! My child is very high functioning now but it took a lot of hard work on his part and ours to come to this point. However, he is 7 now and his issues are way different than they were when he was younger. He has mostly behavioral issues, dealing with frustration, paranoia, telling a joke and then thinks people are making fun of him when they laugh at the joke, can’t tie his shoes, angers easily, his handwriting is horrible and has declined drastically, he is like an old man trapped in a child’s body. He also requires frequent breaks at school and is very lonely being an only child and no “normal” kids want to be friends with him because they do not understand him. He has boundary issues that we work on constantly. However, he is beautiful, loving, kind to others, almost a black belt in taekwondo, he is in the 2nd grade makes straight A’s all his life and reads at a 5th grade level as well as does math at a 5th or 6th grade level. It took me 3.5 years to get his disability but we finally got it last August and I was lucky enough then to take his check and pay for a special school for autistic children. It has helped a lot! The teachers understand him, the other kids understand him and we actually have something once a week on the weekends for the parents and kids to get together so the kids can play together outside of school and feel like they have “friends”. It also helped him to like school again since there is only 12 kids in the entire elementary instead of 40 in one class room since the noise bothers him so much but yet he is normally the loudest person. When I am feeling down and depressed and frustrated it helps me to focus on the positive and how far we have come together as a family. I hope your friend finds something that can help her to feel better too, I totally understand how it feels. My son bangs his head into the wall at times too. I hope she can find something to help, I could not even think of home schooling my son unless I had to since it is the only time I have to gather my sanity while he is at school. I hope your friend finds something that helps!
DragonMystic said:
I have three boys with a variety of diagnoses, all three have ADHD. My oldest also has Asperger’s and ODD (took 7years for someone to take me seriously) now we are waiting for my youngest to have his ADOS test. I completely understand what it is like to have a child that will for no apparent reason start punching himself in the head, burning himself on a light or scratching at himself until he bleeds. The general population don’t understand that our children develop their own coping skills sometimes and it is worse then someone with a bad habit because in order to get them to stop hurting themselves we need to come up with a different coping skill to replace the harmful one. Although all three of my children qualify for supports at school none of them get any and all the teachers want me to do is medicate. Unfortunately as I am sure many parents here know medication can cause more harm then good sometimes, for example decreasing their appetite to the point they are basically starving to death. I love reading the comments here for the most part…some people, unfortunately need to voice their uneducated opinions no matter where you go…but as far as all us parents who live with ASDs everyday the comments/stories are filled with wonderful tips, ideas, and many times even humor that helps me get through those rough periods when I am asking myself “Why?”. By the way I only found out a couple weeks ago that I too have ADHD and Asperger’s, now I know why I was always different growing up and I am proud to tell my children that I am just like them and that they too will grow into wonderful people able to accomplish many great things.
Keep your armor at the ready and enjoy every moment with your ASD angels!
allmykidshaveaspergers said:
Dragonmystic, people like you and Carla keep me sane. I wish you were nearby, I’d ask you over for a coffee, a laugh and a cry in a heartbeat. Thank you for your honesty.
DragonMystic said:
I love chatting to other parents who share our ups and downs. Other parents don’t seem to realize that because I so rarely see joy on my oldest face I remember in detail those moments and want to shout out loud to the world how amazing that moment was but those that are in the same place as me get it. They want to hear all about, they don’t look at me like I have three heads, they actually seem to enjoy hearing about these moments as much as I enjoy talking about them. Like all families we all go through our ups and downs, however our downs are extremely deep and can last far too long.
Remember your magical moments and share them with the world, put the rougher parts away until you have the strength to handle it and maybe bring what was once a down to a great mountain peak!
Carla said:
I agree totally! My friend in California has 2 children on the autism spectrum. She makes shirts for kids on the spectrum to wear. We used to have our son in them every time he left the house. It seemed to help a lot and cut down those unwanted comments from uneducated members of society. You can google it if you want it, its called Autism Knows Anarchy. I really did not think it would make a big difference in the amount of comments as I did not think those people would even look at his shirt and read it if they were looking at his behavior instead but the comments did slow down a lot!
DragonMystic said:
Amazing Idea!!! I have been thinking about doing something similar for a while, even have some shirts ready to be decorated. I am really glad I joined this blog all you guys are great and have wonderful ideas.
Keep up the awesome job I know you all do!
Carla said:
allmykidshaveaspergers-That sounds like a great idea! I would love that, wish it were possible. I do believe I live in what people describe as the Autism Capital of the world (I really do not know where they get that from, I have not researched it) in Huntsville, AL.
christie said:
sooo my 5 year old is NOT autistic BUT he recently had an appendicostomy because he has Hirschprung’s Disease. Its similar to a colostomy except he has a filet cath in his belly buttom instead of a bag. And guess what RT? He does walk around showing people because I ENCOURAGED him too. I don’t want him to think its a bad thing. I tell him how cool it is. Our friends tell him its cool. He walks around without a shirt on just as he did before his 5th surgery this year. I hope your ignorance has a cure.
christie said:
Sorry…its foley catheter
Michelle said:
As the mother of surviving quads (you can read more here http://mommax6.blogspot.com/ ) I have been through hell and I have not left yet. It is only my sense of humor that keeps me sane. I have an Aspie, a high-functioning autistic and a child who is a medical mystery but has been diagnosed with developmentally delayed with hypotonia. My husband, after the birth of the children, blamed me for everything and I have gone through five years of mental and verbal abuse from him. Currently we are about to divorce as soon as we can figure out how to separate without bankrupting ourselves.
Since the birth of the children I have stayed at home to care for them. I cannot even afford to work a full-time job because all the doctor and therapy appointment for three children takes a LOT of time out of my life. I am stressed, tired and would love a break (my husband does not help with the kids or house. I get one day away from them a week and that is IT).
I hate taking my children out with me into public. My high-functioning autistic wanders and has gotten lost before. The comments I get from people when I keep my kids together and they have a melt down is SO rude. Also all of my children have auditory sensory issues and can cry and scream because some flushed a public toilet. Random people have NO idea how their little digs and comments can be offensive and push a person over the edge.
Adriana said:
I feel for you… I have two not in the spectrum children and one step grandson with autism, My step grandson visits us about every two years and stays for about three to six months. i kind of become his mom when he is visiting because “i am the children caretaker in the house” so i feed, bath, play, discipline etc… so he becomes mine when he is here so we go out to places, parks, stores etc and i do get the “bad mother” look or comments from people and you know what? … I do not care, it is their problem not mine or my child, if they want to criticize and that makes them feel better then good for them I have to deal with this child and have to try to adjust me and him to the social standards the best we can, if we cant then so sorry for the rest of the world. Do not feel hurt for the unreasonable people out there they are just ignorant about the situation and the difficulties a mother with an autistic child faces.
Rejection is a big part in the lives of autistic families and dealing with it is hard and hurtful. do not give up rather try to learn on how to deal with rejection it will help you a lot better. People out there who are harsh critics or have strong opinions just have never faced a situation as difficult as autism or maybe they had and are as hurt as you are but do not know how to deal with it.
RT said:
yes we feel for you but dont go out of your way to have your kids be a nuisance to elderly people and then blame them for getting annoyed. If unavoidable ok. but some of you are just out there to champion your cause. I don’t think people would walk along with an exposed colostomy and expect others to accept it. its just plain rude.
Jenn said:
Wow, RT, that’s about as disgusting of a comment as i’ve ever read. Hope you don’t have kids. Ignorance breeds ignorance, you know.
mmgmom said:
Unbelievable. Maybe you shouldn’t leave your house. If you think people are making their children act up or be autistic to get on old people’s nerves, then you have a serious problem.
Me said:
It is unavoidable you idiot!! Do you actually think we like being bitched out by total strangers or we wouldn’t change our circumstances if we could? People who get annoyed can suck it up and be grateful that they have NO IDEA what it is like to walk a mile in our shoes! Learn a little compassion you ignorant scumbag.
PO said:
you are a moron RT
Ari said:
You actually think people purposely have their kids annoy ‘old people’…? Huh?? I don’t have a child with autism. I am being completely honest because honesty is what will help everyone. I have a huge problem with kids who run all over their parents, don’t listen, are whiny brats – the parents have no control over them. HUGE problem. I think for the general public who also feel this way, when they see a child ‘misbehaving’, that’s a knee-jerk reaction to feel that way. Often you can recognize the signs of autism in a child but that’s if you know enough about autism. After reading a lot of blogs and hearing from families with autism, I have more compassion and even though I still can’t help feeling that way, I try to flood myself with love (honestly) to keep negative thoughts away when I’m at a store and see a kid who looks like a ‘brat’. I make an effort to think I don’t know the whole story and perhaps this child has a special need which cannot be seen. Over the years, some of the stuff I have seen with brat kids and their inept parents has really made an impression on me. Best wishes to you, sincerely.
jenniferwaite said:
My ASD son just turned 10. I’ve noticed the insensitive interactions in public are much more seldom now. I assume it’s because it’s more obvious that there is an “issue” with him now than it was when he was little.
Even though when he was little I understood people didn’t know better, that he hooked like just another bratty kid, I usually cried the whole way home and wouldn’t be able to get past it the rest of the day no matter how hard I tried.
The good thing is I’m a lot more compassionate towards any mom with a “bratty” kid in public. We don’t know what anyone’s circumstances are. Most moms really are doing their best.
Jo said:
“we’re already angry” is sad but true, most of the time. I wish I could find a support group without any of the “Angry moms” My child is autistic and I’m not always angry, nor is my house sticky. Being around angry people is not good for me, or my kid. After you recognize a problem (ie I seem to be angry and defensive all the time) you should try to fix it, not pretend it’s an asset. Angry kids make angry parents.
Jenny Saul-Avila said:
I love this post – especially, “We all suffer from severe PTSD.”
We just recently went through over a week of multiple times per day meltdowns (ear infection + severe constipation made our toddler w/ PDD-NOS unspeakably unhappy-especially unspeakable b/c he has no words to tell us what’s wrong – we had to guess & go to the pediatrician & hospital to find out).
During that week, my son left my face looking like I’d been in a cat fight & had pulled out an absolutely enormous amount of my hair (I actually almost cut my long hair cut into a pixie cut in self-defense). He even started scratching Daddy’s face & pulling his hair (he usually reserves his violence for Mommy). And there was the sudden headbutts into my chest & face. And the toys that were hurled – including a die cast plane at my head. The screaming so loud it made my head vibrate. My husband & I were in tears every day that week, depressed & terrified & hopeless, & by the end of it & for days even after relative calm had been restored, all my son had to do was hold a toy up & I’d block my face, expecting it to be hurled at me – all he had to do was reach up his arms for me to pick him up & I’d be afraid, b/c once up in my arms, he might scratch my face again, dangerously close to my eyes again. (Any time our son tantrums or melts down, he reaches up for me & my husband warns me, “don’t pick him up” – but I do most of the time, b/c sometimes, he really does just want to be held – and sometimes, that just makes it easier to smack me around – how do I tell which is which??)
I think the main reason why we push so hard for Speech therapy & Behavioral therapy is to save us all from the horror that results from our son not being able to tell us that his ear & tummy hurt.
Ralph Ankenman said:
For the Moms who also have to deal with severe meltdowns, “Hope for the Violently Aggressive Child” by Doctor Ralph Ankenman might help.
Ambur Johnson said:
I am a mental health practitioner who has worked with behaviorally challenged kids and adults. Your article was amazing and so true. My son is ADHD, but had some minor auditory sensitivities as well as those other fun anger and eye contact problems.. I am glad u put this out there.. The thing is people think you are such a bad parent, but I applaude you.. Back in the day most behaviorally challenged kids were shuttled off to homes where they lived their lives out. You mothers are grace under constant fire.
MomOfSam said:
Reblogged this on Mom Of Sam and commented:
I love the LaughingThroughTears posts! They do exactly what their title says.. They are so honest, it hurts!
Anonymous said:
I come to this blog every time I’m feeling overwhelmed. Right now I’m dealing with some pretty radical vision issues with my PDD-NOS daughter on top of the school scheduling an IEP meeting without me and the TSS services waiting till the last minute to tell me they need to get signatures for the re-authorization. /sigh. Life could be far worse but I get so tired of fighting all the time. I fight my kid to get her to listen all day long. Then I fight with some of my family, not for not believing she has problems but for coddling her. Then I fight the school for just up and deciding they have a problem with like every one of her behaviors all at once. Conveniently on the week she was supposed to go on a field trip but now she can’t due to “disciplinary” issues. It makes me so mad.
Kevin Gossett said:
Don’t forget autism dads. I’m fighting my employer over forced overtime that makes my wife essentially a single mom for three months of the year. I’d rather be at home helping with our Aspie and our ADHD children.
Anonymous said:
Thank you for this, The hardest part for me is that my fieacnce’s family doesn’t get it and they tell me he needs a good whoopin, or he’s playing you theres nothing wrong with him, or them thinking i’m a bad mom. Also the fighting with my fieance about my son is killing me enough to want him to leave because I fight them both, and need to protect my son. My fieance doesn’t think I do what I’m supposed to , mind you he got beat growing up down south, which is something I strongly disagree with! I think the hardes’t part is the anger we fell because just listing to what our friends “normal” children are doing like going with friends, how they are so liked by everyone, etc; just makes you smile in their face and go home or to the car and cry about not having that. This is a hard life and it’s good to hear from others who have similar situations.
allmykidshaveaspergers said:
Yes, the pain of autism is nothing to do with autism, often it is the social cost of defending our children…but what choice do we have? Nothing prepares you for the constant need to get between our kids and the world, other people don’t realise the toll it takes on you to be constantly on edge like this, and how much easier life is when kids aren’t on the spectrum. I wouldn’t swap or change my kids, but I would change the lack of support and understanding my kids and I live with in this world. No wonder we prefer the company of others on the spectrum,.
Michelle said:
This was an awesome post! It summed up the past five years. Thank you for putting out there what we all feel but maybe just couldnt quite put into words. I reposted on my FB and already have likes and reposts:)
Thank you again:)
Ilene Martin said:
You don’t have to have a child with autism to appreciate all of the above. I am the mother of an adult with Cerebral Palsy. He is severely involved; wheelchiar, total care, etc. I have heard it all through the years. I have been a fighter on his behalf for 44 years. I have lived on the defensive and have been sleep deprived for so many years that I’ve lost count. There were many times in the mall when I was nasty to people. The starers; the gawkers, etc. You wouldn’t believe how many people would actually walk up to my son’s chair and just stare away. As a parent, you learn to build a defensive attitude and answer some of these people in the nastiest manner that they deserve. “What’s the matter with HIM” is always a good one that has been yelled in his face. My husband has come up with some really good answers: Bear attack and hang nail are his favorites! One of the statements that has always stuck with me is, “oh, he would have been so handsome”. My son is a very good looking man; Cerebral Palsy has nothing to do with his face! People will never understand what a parent goes through. Let them walk in our shoes for just a day Maybe, just maybe, they will get it!!!
Danielle said:
Our 21 month old daughter has cerebral palsy and a myriad of other medical difficulties. If we were to see your son in public, it would definitely catch our attention… and our smiles. And if circumstances permitted, we would come and say hello.
Anonymous said:
Buckle up. Weird is the new normal. Move forward wtih force, dignity, humor and grace. We get to shape the future perception of odd, different, and strange. My kid licks legs. I try to get there first but if I don’t. I smile. Hi, you’ve just been licked by my son with autism. He did not mean to upset you. He has autism and we are doing our best to help him live and cope in this world. So please accept my apology. And I ask you to look in your heart for understanding and kindness. There is room for all of us.
Vince Steele said:
We have 3 boys on the spectrum, so we’ve had more than our fair share of ignorant comments from public know-it-alls. Our worst experiences would have to be with a couple of drivers used by the free public transport system that our government provides to get our kids to and from school. Being in a small country town the government had to utilise the local taxi service which provided drivers on call rather than a single specially trained driver. One driver had our eldest boy in tears in the back of the car. Being an Aspy, he didn’t understand why this one driver wouldn’t let him travel in the front seat like all the others did. The driver ended up screeching into our driveway, steaming with rage and yelling at us to ‘GET THIS F@#&*G KID OUT OF MY TAXI’. Our boy was terrified. The driver then attempted to have our boys’ travel privileges revoked because we stood up to him and told him that he was never to accept a run for our kids ever again. He was unsuccessful, and even though we logged a formal complaint, he was still allowed to accept special needs school runs, just not for our boys. The second incident involved a driver who picked up our two younger boys from their school, then decided to stop the car mid-trip and just throw our boys into the street because our youngest was having a meltdown. Luckily he drove to our house and informed us where he’d left them. My wife forced him to drive her down to get them. They were found walking the wrong way, about to turn onto a major highway, completely distressed for being abandoned with no way of knowing how to get home. The driver then sped off and left them all to walk home. That driver still has his taxi licence, but is no longer allowed to accept the special needs runs. The government also told us we weren’t to talk about the incident in public. Well I do talk about it in public. There are no legal documents to say I can’t. We have since moved to a friendlier town and my wife has gotten herself a driver’s licence so we can avoid the perils of free public transport. There are other melting moments I could share here concerning old ladies in bank lines and such, but I’d be typing all day if I did.
Heather said:
Ok, the first story made me mad as hell but the second one??? WOW…I am just blown away….what a horrifying event. I can imagine your utter terror so well, I have three sons with Autism also. I would have gone absolutely nuts with fear and then utter rage. I’m so glad you moved to a better place and you don’t ever have to deal with that again.
Dee Hoham said:
I had a guy in line at Walmart complain about my son’s yelling. He was yelling because he likes the echo in Walmart. I explained to this guy who ironically, looked exactly like Santa Clause, that my son was autistic. He replied…”you ever seen Forest Gump…well that mama had to be real strict and treat him like everyone else”…I assumed this guy had his own issues…so I moved on. He came after me and tried to scold my son verbally…I got between them and got outta there. Luckily, we had just finished checking out.
Ari said:
Can I ask you why you didn’t have your son stop yelling? All kids, especially kids with autism, need to learn what’s acceptable in public. How is just letting him stand there and yell because he has autism going to help him? Find a replacement behavior, get a behavior plan – other then just let him do it and say it’s because he has autism.
Anonymous said:
Sure you can ask me! That’s how you will learn. First off, I wasn’t “LETTING” my kid yell in public. It feels the same to me as it does to parents with typical children (who also do it from time to time…lets be honest). The honest challenge is how to get him to stop. Look, I have friends with typical kids. I know what should happen. It goes something like this…”hey, stop yelling or I will take your IPAD away” or “If you don’t behave, it’s time out when you get home.” Unfortunately, parents with autistic children don’t have those tools in their toolbox. Autistic kids don’t always get that. And yes, sometimes, they can’t help it. It could be ANYTHING that we don’t get immediately setting our kids off like “the flouresent lighting or a sound I can’t even hear that he can that overwhelms him. Also, unfortunatley, I gotta shop. Honestly, in those days, I tried to avoid taking him with me but as I am sure you know, sometime, it can’t be avoided. Finally, I have never once in my life said “Oh sorry, he has autism”…Really, not ever once…while I do think it is a valid reason for his behavior, I realize it isn’t going to help him in the long run. He needs to learn to be a part of society and we fight time to time. However, let me say this. Yesterday, I went to a gas station and my boy lost it. He was tired. Trick or treating, he got a new tooth…whatever, he threw himself down right in front of the door in/out and SCREAMED! People where OUTRAGED! All I could think was….come on…I dare you! Be so ignorant to say something because the one thing you should know about parents with autistic children is we all have a tremendous amount of rage. And if you are ignorant enough to address me about my child in a moment in our culture when 1 in 80 children are tourmented with this DISABILITY and you are still clueless enough to wonder why is she allowing that? So I hope autism never touches your life. In my opinion, you aren’t special enough to handle it.
Ari said:
Thanks for responding to my question. I’m sorry about what happened at the gas station for you. You’re right in that I can never understand what it is like. I think people being aware of autism has come a long way from even 10 years ago. The uphill battle unfortunately is people do not like bratty kids. I am NOT saying your child is a brat. But some of the behavior kids with autism can display can be misinterpreted as that and that’s the uphill battle sadly. I’m not sure you can say globally all parents of kids with autism have a tremendous amount of rage. If that is true, then that is incredibly sad. The kids don’t pick up on this rage? Raging about school districts, the public, etc etc at home, I’m sure the kids pick up on that and it impacts them. Obviously I can’t help you and my words just seem to make you feel angrier and worse. I am sorry. I said this in one of the above posts, I try to have more compassion if it seems like the child has autism. I really do wish the best and I am sorry to have upset you.
allmykidshaveaspergers said:
‘Bratty’ kids, are obviously terribly annoying for you. It is wonderful that you have found a forum where you feel free to let people know how you feel about bratty kids-and let us know that our kids look bratty, but probably are not, even though you think our ‘hostile’ homelives are contributing negatively to our kids. It is wonderful that you feel so concerned about parents being angry about autism issues and people who make their lives harder. I love your response, we should all chill and get over it, I wish I’d thought of that, I feel better now, like all my issues with making ends meet and educating my kids have just gone away. Thank you. You might be right, we are a group of overreactors…what a revelation.Thanks for dropping by to point this out. You are right, we autism mums and dads should really think about the points of view of others, including people like you who know nothing about us or our kids, but who have opinions about us all the same. After all, there are just so many people out there thinking about our kids rights-to education, or as some have said on this forum, our kids rights to simply exist in a different way. But thanks for letting us know of your concern for our ‘bratty’ kids in their ‘hostile’ homes, it gives an important depth to the discussion. Now y’all have a good day now (don’t let any of those bratty kids get to you). If you need any more support, feel free to drop in.
Ari said:
I hope one day anger and hate stop consuming you and you find peace in your life.
allmykidshaveaspergers said:
Let us have a place to vent, it’s not much to ask for and helps us get up and face people like you the rest of the time.
Ari said:
I won’t be posting or returning to this blog again. I’m not saying that in anger. I’ve said my thoughts – but this isn’t the place and I’ll respectfully leave the blog for its intended purpose as support.
Carla said:
I have found that most “normal” kids I know are bigger brats than any autistic children I know. Especially since the “normal” ones understand sarcasm, facial expressions, tone of voice and how to express themselves and say my stomach hurts to let you know what is going on with them. Unlike autistic children that do not understand any of the above and most cannot express their feelings or what they feel so they do what they have learned helps them cope with those feelings such as flapping, turning circles, yelling, stemming in whatever form. My son was a screamer because he was frustrated that he could not talk. I tried calming him down, bribing him to stop, redirecting his behavior, threatening him if he did not stop he would end up in his room. I even took his toys away for an entire month once but it didn’t work because they don’t think like we do. Nothing worked for him until we got over that issue that was causing the frustration. That was back in my uneducated ignorant days when I thought if you just treated them like “normal” kids then they would act like “normal” kids. To be honest, from what I have seen of how selfish, mean, cruel, deceiving, and rude that “normal” kids can be, I no longer have the wish for him to act “normal”. I don’t know of any mother of an autistic child that “lets” her children act out since we have become occupational, speech, physical and behavioral therapists ourselves we are always redirecting behaviors. This is something that a person that does not know about autism or behavioral therapy would not be able to see and know what is going on. I find it ironic and amusing how the people that are not educated in autism seem to have all the “answers” especially when every autistic child is different. You would not try and teach a 1 year old to drive a car. They aren’t emotionally, physically, or mentally ready for that. They have around 15 more years to prepare for that so why would you expect an autistic child to act a certain way no matter what the age is. Every autistic child matures at different ages. My son knew his ABC’s by 16 months old but was a little over 4 years old before he would potty train. Some 5 year old autistic children are mentally at a 1 year old level. You would not look at a 1 year old throwing a fit and think much of it. So you have to ask yourself which person is really having issues? Is it the autistic child that is doing the “inappropriate” behaviors or is it the uneducated person that is expecting them not to?
As far as mothers and fathers of autistic children are concerned, some are numb and are neither mad nor happy, some are not mad and I would like to take what they are taking, but most of us are mad as hell. We have been to a million doctor and therapist appointments, we have worked 3 jobs at 1 time to pay for these because insurance does not pay for behavioral therapy, we have fought the political bullshit the school system dishes out violating their rights so they don’t have to provide services needed while collecting the federal government check for every special needs child they have, we have been up countless nights on the computer researching every possible thing that could help our child. Most of us did this all on our own because there was no day care that would keep our children and our families do not know how to deal with them either so we are all we have. We have become teachers, speech therapists, occupational therapists, behavioral therapists, physical therapists, psychologists, mediators, advocates, pharmacists, doctors, researchers, aromatherapists, etc…but most of all we are warriors and we will continue and we will take down whatever is in our path to achieve our goals of helping our children. We aren’t taking it out on anyone but if you draw attention to yourself with your comments about our parenting skills or lack there of or about our children then be prepared to feel the wrath.
realworld said:
Thank you Carla, we wouldn’t fight for our kids if we didn’t have to, unfortunately we have to, and we shouldn’t be expected to apologise for that.
Carla said:
Absolutely, I make it a point to never say “Oh, I am sorry BUT he is autistic” because that is a victim statement and we aren’t victims we are the strongest people I know.
Jennifer Dailing Waite said:
“Have him stop yelling”
Just have him stop yelling. Oh, I never thought of that. I can’t imagine what you think that would entail, but when my son is making a little noise in a store, that’s a good trip to the store. If I tried to lay down the law as your describing there’s a high probability he would devolve into much more socially unacceptable behavior. Most of the time mothers like me know exactly what we’re doing because we know exactly what’s going on.
And if he’s doing a little yelling because he likes the echo, which is a very minor inconvenience to people who’s only experience with our hell are occasional grocery store interactions, he’s probably happy. Happy jabbering is a really good trip to the store. Since so much of experiencing the world is painful for him, perhaps the rest of the world can just suck it up and conform to him once in awhile. Honestly, they’re gonna have to. 1 in 50.
ella said:
What I am angry about is that fact that so many people refuse to believe that VACCINES are the cause of this mess. The US & UK have the highest autism rates because they have the highest number of vaccines, there’s plenty of evidence and thousands of parent testimonies of how their children became autistic immediately after a set of vaccinations. The pharmacuetical industry controls the media, they are big advertisers. They announce that vaccines don’t cause autism and most everyone believes it!! Even most people in the autism community. I am so frustrated by this.
allmykidshaveaspergers said:
When people talk about vaccines they fail to recognise that autism is a brain difference in brain hardwiring. Vaccines did not turn my children autistic, and I get angry when people act as though it just happened as the result of an injection. That demeans the value of my children and they are not sick, they see and feel the world differently, which I value. Also turning people off vaccines is dangerous. My mother had polio and I know the value of vaccines from personal experience.
Anonymous said:
I agree with you, there have been more recent studies into the link between Autism Spectrum Disorders and vaccines with results showing there is no actual link. Autism Spectrum Disorders mean just a different way of thinking to my family. In fact we are proud to say my son has Asperger’s. All three of my boys are highly intelligent in their own ways, can they all read at grade level? No, but I have found other ways in which my children show their gifts, of which there are many!!! I think people focus way too much on the negative and don’t realize what a gift a child on the spectrum is.
❤ Love my boys dearly! ❤
Rachael Zubal-Ruggieri said:
I think you’ve touched on a hot topic in the autism community. I’ve learned that while my son’s autism was NOT caused by vaccines, there are those parents who I know are convinced that vaccines did play a role, regardless of what the current published research might say. I’ve learned that I can disagree with them, but still treat them respectfully. I worry sometimes that these “autism wars” that we all have to fight at one time or another is making us all choosing to take sides, but in fact shouldn’t be fighting any kind of war at all. I’m reading all of the comments that have shown up on this thread and certainly do appreciately them all, including those that talk about viewpoints that don’t match my own.
asheewd@gmail.com said:
Unbelievably ignorant and gullible. And you wonder why your child isn’t recovered.
MarfMom said:
seriously? we’re going to start going there and blaming other parents for how well their child is or isn’t doing? that is SO counter-productive! this post is about rallying us together over our COMMON experiences. we need to be SUPPORTING each other.
and fwiw, my child hadn’t had vaccines and still got autism. he started showing symptoms at 5 months of age. we haven’t done any special diets with him, just lots and lots of therapy (and no, no ABA), and he is doing incredibly well! his younger brother has had vaccines and is NT. go figure!
DragonMystic said:
“Unbelievably ignorant and gullible. And you wonder why your child isn’t recovered.”
Why on the attack? I agree with MarfMom, instead of arguing about what is or isn’t linked to ASDs why not rally together to help our children be the best they can be.
To asheewd@gmail.com: I am the one who wrote under “Anonymous” (forgot to sign in to my account). If you feel the need to attack other parents who are in the same situation I understand, sometimes we just need to vent but at the same time I do not agree with that. And as far as me wondering why my child hasn’t recovered? I am not looking for him to recover I want him to be who he is meant to be. He is great and wouldn’t change him for the world. Why can’t we as parents look past the tantrums and see the great things ASDs bring our children and nourish those gifts?
Personally I don’t want any of my children to “recover” from their disorders, if they did then they would lose a vital part to who they are. I am not perfect and would love those of you out there who are to go ahead and launch all the attacks you wish at me for words are just words and they don’t have the power they did when I was a child.
❤ Proud of my Boys ❤
MarfMom said:
Yes, we have to remember that autism is a spectrum and so thoughts on “recovery” differ as well. My husband has Aspergers and, like you feel about your boys, would not want to “recover.” Aspergers brings challenges but it also brings some cool skills and so I get and respect that position. Our son though, when he was diagnosed he was nonverbal and mostly non-responsive. We really wanted there to be changes for him! With a lot of therapy we got lucky and he’s verbal and affectionate (on his own terms, of course!). Our love & pride for him has not changed but I wanted to illustrate the differences in ideas on “recovery” (or whatever term you’d like to use). So, I get why that is a goal for some parents because it was in some ways for us, though recovery is not a term we’ve ever used.
allmykidshaveaspergers said:
Marfmom, you speak more commonsense than anyone I’ve ever heard speak on these issues. Your compassionate understanding speaks for all of us in all our areas on the spectrum…thank you. xx
DragonMystic said:
I agree, with you on that wholeheartedly. MarfMom it sounds like you are a great mom and a wonderful person in general take care and enjoy each and every second of the great times! ❤
MarfMom said:
Well thank you 🙂 I have a lot to learn still and I’m grateful for all the supportive parents I’ve met along our journey with autism so far!
Anonymous said:
@asheewd@gmail.com that was probably the most ignorant and horrible thing I read on this thread…. I just threw up a little in my mouth thanx.
Dee Hoham said:
I agree with you. I also believe it was the vaccines. I have just started reading a book by Julie Buckley called “Healing Our Autistic Children”. It explains the connection clearly. I have also begun the Gluten and Casein Free diet. It is NOT as hard as everyone says. You just find substitutions for your childs favorite things. I have already seen some results and we just got started this week. For the first time in years, No tantrum when leaving school. Eye contact increased and more language although it is not as clear as I would like yet. We are very hopeful. God bless you…
Dee Hohaom said:
Still on the GF/CF diet exactly one month from my last post. Expressive language has increased to up to 5 words at a time. Repeating desirable sentences like from Thomas and Friends (before it was only one word). Has started pressing down harder when writting and making letters we can read although he is still tracing but he is not just scribbling like he was before. He is absolutely more pleasant. No random tanturms. Still gets mad but seems typical behavior for his age and can be contributed to something whereas before, it was just random. More eye contact and appetite is amazing. He eats carrots, baked Lays chips, tons of organic apples, We are staying on this road. Starting suppliments Multi-vitamin, food enzymes, probiotics, Vit D & Cod Fish Oil.
Anonymous said:
Still on the GF/CF diet. Now, we have started suppliments. Probiotics, Meth B12 injections, Deplin, Vit D & A & stuff to kill yeast. WOW! Independent language has begun…not just repeating me. Told me he loved me for the first time ever without me saying it first then asked for candy…manipulation! I love it! It is hard to get all the suppliments in him though. Some taste bad..we are doing the best we can and look forward to his next appointment.
Polli said:
I agree with you Ella. Even worse than the general public sticking their head in the sand when it comes to vaccines and the link to autism are the completely ignorant parents who continue to deny it. Must just be too painful for them or they are brainwashed by some ignorant BCBA’s.
DragonMystic said:
I don’t believe it is parents being ignorant or brainwashed. We are all different and look at things from different angles. Though we may not agree on what ’caused or is linked’ to our children’s diagnoses we still have one thing in common, and that is the love for our children. Regardless of what people may think I do not believe vaccines are responsible for the diagnoses of my children or other family members as well as the fact that I am proud of my children 1 who is already confirmed to be on the spectrum and another being tested (all also have ADHD). Nothing is too painful for me nor have I been brainwashed rather as I tell my children, “We are all different and we need to celebrate our differences!” Our diagnoses are NOT who we are they are just one piece to what makes us individuals. As I said before (forgot to login so it says anonymous), “I think people focus way too much on the negative and don’t realize what a gift a child on the spectrum is.”
I too have dealt with the hard days trust me, but I would not want my children to change who they are for anything in the world. They are who they are meant to be and they are GREAT!
❤ Love my boys dearly! ❤
mplo said:
The idea that vaccines cause autism is a dangerously irresponsible bunch of malarkey that was disproved and tossed out by the wayside a long time ago, and the fraudulent doctor Andrew Wakefield who promoted this dangerous idea lost his license to practice medicine for a reason; his info was proven untrue.
Frances said:
A VERY DISTURBING EXPERIENCE:
I organized activities for my local social group for kids on the spectrum. We are having a meeting at a pizzeria. So, I called the pizzeria -Carlo’s Gourmet Pizza to reserve tables for ONLY 15 people with their children. To my humongous surprise, the owners of Carlo’s DO NOT want CHILDREN to eat there. I spoke to two different members of the family that owns the place. They say, and I quote: “we cannot have a group of children together with our regular customers.” So, they do not allow us to go there with the children at all, even if we would just show up like any other customer (I asked about that and they replied a “BIG NO” and said we should go somewhere else). Regretfully, they were and seem to be very child-UNfriendly and UNFRIENDLY in every other sense. What was even more disturbing to me is that I did not even get the chance to say the kids were autistic. I do not even want to imagine what their reaction would have been like if I, on top, would have mentioned that the children had autism…
Thankfully, a member of our group recommended Pizza Fusion. I called them, and they did not have any issues having us there with the kids. I gave them the name of the group and they said, “OK, we’ll see you at 4:30PM.” No problems with Pizza Fusion.
Unfortunately, I thought Carlo’s was a family friendly eatery; I WAS VERY WRONG!
mplo said:
It is unfortunate that Carlo’s Pizza is so child-unfriendly, but a number of restaurants are like that, due to the fact that many children, even neurotypical kids, tend to act quite badly in restaurants.
Ciarán Melia said:
I’ve had some similar experiences with my son over the years and in general I haven’t really let them get to me. I never felt the anger rise up in me like I have after what I read this weekend.
I stumbled across this blog last week and I think it’s great. I’m a stay at home dad of three kids. My nine year old son is autistic and we live in Ireland. I had posted this thread on facebook to get a discussion going and someone mentioned he had read a really distressing article on autism and gave a brief description. From reading the description I assumed this was from long ago but no. This was published by a national newspaper here The Irish Examiner just last Friday.
Brace yourselves ladies and gentlemen. This was written by a Clinical psychologist who gets a lot of media attention, press, TV and radio here in Ireland:
https://www.facebook.com/notes/irish-autism-action/core-connection-an-article-in-printed-edition-of-irish-examiner-3rd-feb/359928427353789
Irene said:
Ciaran, well done for posting the link here 🙂 This article is insulting and the epitome of what causes rage to bubble out of patents with autistic children. I too am Irish and am horrified and saddened by this article being allowed to go to print…
Anonymous said:
I am a mother of a 9-year-old Austictic boy (non-verbal) I have had many encounters with uneducated people but this is about another person story because it really got me angry and how people really do judge. We go to an Autism Soccar Program that is help by the Vancouver Canucks, and a parent came in crying. So, all of us were worried so we asked her whats wrong. She has son that is 10-years-old and he is non-verbal also. She took her son to the park in the morning because he likes looking at the trees and especially when it is windy. My son loves it also. Well he gets so excited so he flaps his arms, jumps up and down, and screams because he doesn’t talk. A guy walks by her and say “cannot you put your child on a leash or dig him six feet under” that was his words . The mother was horriefied and in shock , she didn’t know what to do. So, she just walked off and said god will punish you. I was so digusted and angry. I told the lady I would of smoked him one and if wanted to press charges on me , I would given him my own phone and beat him up even more. I also say karma will come and get you one day and hope one day you have to go through what we do day in and day out. Through out the whole day I was angry and I wanted to go to that park and find this guy, obviously he is at a park and he must have children.
Anonymous said:
Get this.. my 11 year old autistic son was flapping his arm and accidently hit a child that was coming out of the school bathroom.. when the teacher tried to take him to he office he laid down on the floor and yelled,, the resource officer was called and he was taken to JDC after being charged with simple assault and disorderly conduct..it took me a week to get him out of JDC!!
MarfMom said:
OMG! How could they do that when he’s on an IEP and this is part of his disability?!?!? That’s terrible! I am so sorry 😦
Nancy said:
I am so sorry. I cannot imagine the trauma to your son and your entire family. I am appalled by the lack of patience, training, and understanding in our society.Children are treated horribly in many instance. I hope you have recovered from this tragic experience.
Mandy said:
Im a single mom. I am still trying to get my 3 year old son diagnosed with Autism/ PDD. Doctors think he may have the PDD version of it. Some of the blood work says he is missing Chromosome 20. He always flapps his arms to any and evrything just about even when not excited he does it. i know some people ask me y does he do that? then he has real bad screamin episodes especially when he dont get his way and he talks negitive sometimes just for heck of it. sometimes he will smack at his eyes. Its hard coping with some of these things when people stare at ya. How do u disipline a child who has or still being dignosed with autism?
DragonMystic said:
I have three children, all three have been diagnosed with ADHD while my oldest has also been diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Asperger’s. My two youngest a set of twins also have a speech delay which has impacted their cognitive development. The youngest of my twins is currently on the waitlist to see if he too is on the spectrum, and to be honest I wouldn’t be surprised if all three were. My husband and I also have to deal with children who self harm (mainly our oldest and the youngest of our twins). I have known for years that my children were different but I was told over and over again that it is a stage, it’s boys being boys…well glad to see I wasn’t crazy afterall, unfortunately it took 7yrs before someone finally took me seriously!
So Mandy I understand your frustration and difficulty in dealing with these behaviours, since they are a part of my everyday struggles. As for people staring I tell them to ‘take a picture it would last longer’ or ‘please if you can think of a better way to handle this behaviour that his doctors and I have not, go ahead and let me know!’ No matter what we do there will still be uneducated people out there who love to judge others.
As far as discipline goes I wish I could help but that is very dangerous territory where I live between the ACTUAL Law and CYFS (Child Youth and Family Services). But I will stay stick to your guns no matter how rough it gets. If you take something away for a certain length of time stick to it no matter what otherwise it is a waste of time because he will believe that you will never stick to the discipline.
Sorry about the long rant but I have been through a lot in the last few years and would love to open eyes around the world. You can say I am a bit of a MommyDragon…forget the bear it’s the dragon you should worry about!
Francesf said:
Before I knew what was different about my son, I was in a pharmacy and there was an old woman, pretty miserable my guess, that kept walking by my son murmuring negative comments. By the time we were at the cash register, my son started coming in and out of the store repeatedly. And, then she said out loud, right next to me something ugly about him. At that moment I have already been chewing my teeth to try to remaincalm and ignore, but that was too much to bear and with a sacarstic and mean smile, I replied out loud “that is why old ladies don’t have children…”. The woman got so offended that started screaming so loud the manager got concern. I decided to leave right when my hands were about to reach her neck and I committed my first premeditated murder.
By the way, I LOVE YOUR PIECE.
Angela said:
After a 45 minute meltdown in the waiting room at the doctor’s office and 45 minutes of stares and whispers, my brother, who had accompanied me since I’d just had surgery was shaking with anxiety and anger due to the people’s reactions. I looked up and said loudly, “Don’t worry about what they think. I don’t. I’m too busy taking care of my Autistic child to care what they think!”. That cleared our area of the waiting room out! And believe it or not, one dumbass actually sat down in the chair next to my child in full meltdown and TRIED TO MAKE A PHONE CALL! What is wrong with people?
Francesf said:
I have stood up in a full restaurant and say out loud: Listen, people, my son has autism and gets metldowns. That is normal for autistuc children, so just let it be. Of course, people stare at u like u have come from Saturn. 🙂
Aspiemum said:
I saw this link on a friend’s FB and clicked through, because there I was thinking “Autism Moms” might mean others like me … You know Mums who actually have autism.
But no, I found a page of people moaning about how crap it is to have had a daughter like me, how their life is ruined and this disruptive, screaming brat isn’t the baby they hoped for.
Nice.
Oh, and I have an autistic daughter, so I do know what it’s like. I know what it’s like for earliest memories being of how upset you make people without having the slightest idea why, how to fix it or even what it really means.
Oh, and those people you say don’t understand because they don’t have any empathy and that makes them assholes? They’re probably on the spectrum themselves, the autistic children of today grow up to be the autustc adults of tomorrow. We are not all to be written off.
allmykidshave aspergers said:
Aspiemum I don’t think you read the blog the right way, or enough of it. You have a whole lot of mums who love their kids with autism, who are asking for understanding from the community, and also a break sometimes, and the help of family and friends. Most of all you have a lot of women who are angry that strangers feel the need to judge their wonderful children. They are angry that people hurt their children willingly, there are horrible people in the world, and I am offended as an autistic woman that you assume the people approaching these women have autism, empathy seems more lacking in ‘normal’ rude folks. Don’t trot out the old lack of empathy stereotype on this forum. Many women on this forum would have autism, and they are not having problems with empathy…if anything these women are upset bc they feel too much empathy for their precious children.
Tessa flores said:
PEOPLE NEED TO HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR! geez! As a mother of an autistic son , I do go thru plenty phases, days where I just lay in bed all day asking why… Then he walks in the room with his shoes on & no jeans, ready to go eat… & I frkn love him. We in no way regret our children but .. We always wonder why… But I loved this piece & I deal with it every frkn day… My son came home today with bruises all over his arms & back… & what did his teacher say, she don’t know what happened…. I’m trying to stay cool but you know that my son cannot tell me what happened… I will never ever know what pain he endured but he didn’t feel it or just took it. These times I pray to god for strength not to kill someone
claire parkinson said:
mmmm, I highly doubt the “assholes” ive encountered are on the spectrum, since they try and deny my son his disability, “we want him to look us in the eye” or we wont tolerate melt downs, ahhhh oh yes you will as the law says you have to, here in the uk. I will have to say Number 3 & 2, I laughed till I cried as its true. I was cross at misdiagnosing, I had one Dr tell me he walked on his tip toes and he flapped didnt mean he or my son has Autism, mmmm yes he does and been diagnosed (clown), so nearly 3 years on he still is not talking social skills are a mess but he is one loving kid. Love the blog, if anything it proves we love our kids more than anyone, if family dont accept them they can sod off. As for the other points, shows others that just cause they cant always see what our kids are going through maybe when they read that they will see it is not always that easy to see all the different sides to an autistic kid, thats what the blog says to me, and I loved it.
Tessa Flores, I feel your pain, my son was getting verbally emotionally bullied, ok my son smacks whoever annoys him, but he is the only one getting disciplined so I removed him from a school that does not understand him and his ASD or wont see their own faults when a once happy to go to school child is now refusing and becoming petrified at what I now know was him v the bullies teacher and school, what a lonely 6 year old child, so im sending him to a place where they do, 🙂 I hate people in society that are supposed to help our kids when they are not in our care but I lost faith with that school. If anything Lisa stood up and told the world dont annoy us or our kids or else, for no one else is going to do it. To Aspiemum, would you allow a person off the street to tell you that you had a bad child for the way they are behaving, something they cant control or help? I would not and I would soon let them know to get lost, ok maybe not that polite……
Anonymous said:
I think you misunderstood alot of what has been written. The point was people complaining of strangers being judgemental over a situation with their children. Most of us have had a situation where a complete stranger has been completely inapropriate and has affected us and our kids. Such as the jerk that yelled @ my son in a grocery store while he was having a meltdown. How angry I was @the man that thought he had a right to yell @ my little boy, I have read all of the comments and nobody on here has complained about being a mother to a child with autism, just complaining about the insensitive and hurtful people in society that do and say things that are ridiculous. I have a son with autism and also on the spectrum myself. I know what you mean not understanding the frustration, the impatience having as a child. But none of these parents are complaining about their children’s meltdowns, they are complaining about those that stare and judge and say awful things while their child is having a meltdown
allmykidshaveaspergers said:
Yes, some parents are also saying that they need help and support, because it can be tiring, but that is not meaning they don’t love, defend annd support their kids right to be. 🙂
A Lee said:
I can’t speak for everyone else, but as for me, I will admit that raising my son with aspergers has had its challenging moments, but so has raising my non-aspie son. lol There have been some specific challenges however that I’m sure a lot of us here can relate to though. Sadly there are a lot of ignorant jerks out there (and even friends and family!) who stare/gawk/point/make rude remarks at kids and the parents of kids who appear to be “different.” My son has mostly grown out of his public “fits,” but when he was younger, he could draw a real crowd. At first I felt self-conscious, but quickly I realized that I really didn’t give a hoot what people thought about me, but it was harder for me to let go of what I thought they were thinking of my son. You see, I was not writing him off at all, and I never would. I have always seen my son as the most beautiful child that has ever been on this earth. He is funny and sweet and kind and so very smart. When he was having a fit, I knew he was stressed. He wasn’t enjoying this either! He wasn’t asking for this! When it was bad, I would remind myself of this, because sometimes as a mom your patience and strength can wear thin, and you need something to remind you to not flip out and start flapping your arms yourself! The one thing though is that I never made excuses for my son to people when outbursts happened in public. I felt that was not polite of my to share his personal business with them unless he gave me permission to do so. He told me once that he didn’t like that, so I respected his wishes. Instead, I just held my head high, and focused on being a support to my son.
When he first got his diagnosis, even though I already knew, just hearing the words, I was shattered. I felt like all of my dreams for him were dead. I look back on that and see how far we have all come. I think that was a normal part of the process. I know now that there is nothing wrong with the way my son is. He is perfect the way he is and I adore him. He has his moments, but don’t we all? He is a good kid..he is 14 now. He has a 3.2 GPA and he is a respectful young man. I think he has a very bright future. I am very proud to be his mother. It has been a hard road, though. I have done it all alone. I have no family and I am a single mom. I have only been able to work part time because no day cares would take him when he was younger because they said that they didn’t have the training for “children like him.” I have supported the 3 of us with no government assistance or handouts, despite working a very crappy paying job. But this has always been worth it to me. My life is for my sons and I would not have it any other way. None of us would.
Not a Crybaby said:
Yes yes yes! I am the mother of a three year old with autism, I do not have autism myself. However, I 100% agree with your perspective!! There are far too many parents out there who just want pity and sympathy for themselves. It’s disgusting! We need to all be thankful that we HAVE children! “Wah wah, my life isn’t perfect!” Um, whose IS?! And really, the sticky counters thing? Get over yourselves. You’re not special, that’s ALL moms! Try thinking about your child instead of yourself. Quit looking for pity. Start being PROUD of your child rather than viewing him/her as a way to get attention. It’s disgraceful and pathetic and will never help your child get anywhere in life.
Anonymous said:
I don’t believe people come to this site to moan and groan about there kids… I love my gorgeous three year old with autism… I do believe its a place to vent.. not about there child but the people who treat there kids unfairly and undeserving. I feel as if having a child with autism has just made me that more protective, so when i here comments like “take your child outside” or “he doesn’t deserve mcdonalds” or my all time favorite “he just needs a good spanking” I want to flip out on them… this has nothing to do with resentment towards my son… I am in love with him and grow prouder of every accomplishment my bright lil boy achieves…. buttttt I do need a place to vent about the people around me that treat him like he is diseased…. So i don’t flip out or beat someone up… My son needs me around not in jail!
mplo said:
I can sympathize with you for the nasty remarks, looks and comments that you get about your autistic son’s public melt-downs, but if you’re so out of control that you feel like you might physically assault somebody and end up in jail if people go too far in insulting your son, you’ve obviously got anger management issues yourself, and need some help with self-control.
maureen said:
for me, the most awful part of this was the reaction of some of my friends and family. I simply couldn’t grasp for ONE MINUTE how they could leave me feeling abandoned by them in such a difficult time. The other truly sad part of this for me is that those folks won’t ever get to see the amazing things that my boy says and does when he’s comfortable. He’s just a gem needing to be excavated – like they all are!!
Tessa flores said:
I totally understand how one minute they are saying they support us in this trying time then slowly start to fade away….. It’s sad. I love my son… I’m all he has & he’s my everything… Before my family.
Robin said:
many children just need to be comfortable around people to really express themselves. even some ‘normal’ adults are this way. people are too rude, mean, shallow, and self centered to see past the meltdowns and ‘you bad moms’ to see what you are actually dealing with.
i do not have an autistic child, but i have several friends who do, and its hard, (parenting itself is hard) but you ladies (and fathers) have it really hard thanks to inconsiderate pricks out there who have no clue.
you keep up your wonderful work!
Bo said:
Being not only an autism mom but also having autism myself, there have been many times that I have wanted to launch something (preferably something hard) at someone’s head for making some asinine comment about my step son or about me being autistic. Autism isnt an easy thing to deal with, and those who can’t understand that should be given the trial of having to LEARN to understand it.
Grace Peterson said:
Hi, I just found your blog via Facebook. It’s going on my Google Reader. I’ve got a 26 year old Aspie daughter. I can tell all you young moms to hang in there!
I could especially relate to #2. The rage is gone but there are still so many questions. What did I do to cause this? 26 years later, I still wonder about the places I went, the smells I inhaled and foods I ate while pregnant. But I can’t beat myself up. My daughter is a wonderful human being and I’m glad she’s in my life. But why God?
lizz said:
Hats off to all of the autism moms. I work with adults with all sorts of developmental disabilites. You are strong amazing women with strong amazing children. U aren’t in this alone. Stay strong.
christine said:
I just wanted to say what wonderful mums u all are.
Pamela said:
Im a pharmacist and in my 20 years of experience I have come in contact with many special needs children. I worked at children’s hospital in Boston and did work in the psych unit and in my current job we take care of multiple group homes with special needs children and teenagers and young adults. What a lot of people don’t realize is that a lot of conditions such as autism are actually a sign of highly intelligent children. Their intelligence is just misplaced. We all could learn so much from these children. In these times when the world is so stressful I have looked at these children and seen how just the simple things in life can bring them do much joy and when dealing with sick children I’ve learned the sickest children seemed to be the happiest because they have learned to live for the moment and make the most of everything because you never know how much time we have left. If we could all look at life like this and go back to enjoying the simple things like these children do the world would be such a better place. My best advice is next time you want to get frustrated take a step back and instead of criticizing look to see what you can learn and take away from the situation and it may just be something that can improve your life.
Marianna said:
If his own grandma and grandpa do not accept him as he is with all his problems and labels, but still a wonderful child, what should I expect from the society???
Johna Bowden said:
This Blog is PRICELESS!!!!! Thank YOU!!! THANK YOU!!! THANK YOU!!!!
I have a 9 year old High Functioning Autistic son, But his social/emotional is Barely there. But because he is soooo darned smart, and cute, and laughs at jokes (sometimes) EVERYONE thinks he is just a Brat…And sometimes….So do I. But I know better….And it’s Hard…And I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy…But I wouldn’t change it for the world either! My Son, And 2 young daughters who are 3 1/2 and 2 (Both Developmentally Delayed and suspected ASD along with SPD) and a Husband who said to me “there’s nothing wrong with Him, I’m JUST like that” “I was just like that as a Kid, but I was worse!” Just enough times to make the light come on, and realize that the apple never falls too far from the tree! All of them have made me a Better Person! And I have found my Peace in Helping and supporting other moms who are just beginning their Journey through the Spectrum!
Sincerely,
Johna
Autism Mom, Autism Wife, Special Ed Law Aficionado, Advocate, Mama Bear, educator, CEO/Business owner, I work Full time, and Raise my Autistic Kids from home while I run a VERY Busy Company! So yeah…..I’m not fun to Piss off! ;o)
c said:
i get so SICK of the “whats wrong with your kid”, ESPECIALLY when it comes from people you have told a dozen times whats wrong with your kid.
also the “you need to discipline your kid” all the discipline in the world cant stop those meltdowns…the kicking, screaming, hitting/biting themselves meltdowns where nothing gets through.
i also noticed the family and friends slowly (not so slowly really) disappear, invitations stopped coming, and babysitting was for all the brothers/sisters kids but not mine….
got so sick of “o we are busy ” when you have so many errands to do and you know that being out all day will trigger a serious meltdown, or “just want some time to ourselves” when that appointment you really dont want to take kids to comes up, only to see brothers/sisters posting “going out for some us time…thanks (insert person here) for watching the kids” on their facebook status when you get home angry and exhausted from a day trying to get business taken care of while your kid screams, cries, attracts rude stares or comments etc…
ok rant over ^^
Deirdre Miller said:
My husband had been studying to be an Anglican clergyman, since before there were any kids. Our 2nd child, our oldest son, was diagnosed with autism, and our “community” said, “Oh, it takes a village. What can we do?”
I tell them. *crickets churoing*
Psych! You thought I meant *this* village? Um, no. This village doesn’t like anything less than normal. I meant some other village.
And, so, in year 2 of my son’s ASD, we left the life we had been working towards for 5 years.
It’s gotten better now, and our new church wants us to work out some sort of autism ministry.
But not a day goes by, that I wish I’d told the old bastards at the old church, “F— you, and the horse you rode in on.”
Francesf said:
I know EXACTLY how you feel. Hugs to you!
Michael said:
My episcopal church in Virginia has a special needs service every Monday and many in our congregation have worked at the residential autism facility we have in our town. There are places in the Anglican communion for your whole family. God bless you!
jesterqueen1 said:
Sitting in the actual therapy office, and somebody whose neurotypical grandkid needed OT for broken arm recovery said, “The children are so well behaved today. Sometimes they all just scream like little monkeys. I’m glad you have better behaved little ones than that.”
And I swear I could feel the air sucking out of the room around her bubble as we all just swiveled around to look at her. She had this expression on her face like “What? It was a compliment?” and I knew we were all thinking “A good behavior day is a damned coincidence.”
Jereswife said:
I try very hard to maintain my composure when some idiot says something to me. I am all about educating the public and answering honest questions kindly. But sometimes, there are, as you called them, “asshats.” I had a bag boy at the grocery store try to play with my son, and my son wouldn’t look at him. The bag boy asked, “What’s wrong with him?” I answered, “I guess he just doesn’t find you very interesting.” I know it’s not too pointed a statement, but the guy who had checked me out laughed and gave me a high five. The bag boy must have been new, because my son loves the grocery store and goes with me twice a week. They all know him there, and love him, even if he doesn’t pay them too much attention. That bag boy runs when he sees me coming down a checkout lane. 🙂
Feisty Irish Wench said:
In the grocery store parking lot one day, a little boy ran up to me and my youngest (baby #4 for me) and was grabbing her foot, and cooing at her. He was not being rough with her, so I left him to tickle my daughter’s foot, saying “hi” to him and looking around for his parent. I figured him to have something on the autism spectrum given his other mannerisms. His mom ran over apologizing repeatedly and profusely, and seemed completely surprised that I was not being abusive about it. I told her it was okay, and that he was doing no harm, and asked if he had autism. She hurriedly said yes, apologized again, and whisked her son away as fast as she could. I felt bad for her, because I instantly knew she’d been accosted so many times before that she was beaten down by it.
It sucks monkey nuts and I hate it for all the parents who deal with it ad nauseum. Having friends with kids on the autism spectrum has given me a chance to be kind to others dealing with it and maybe be the only person in their day who hasn’t been an asshole to them.
Jan Blencowe said:
My autistic son is 19. I have had waaaaay too many bad experiences when out in the community to even begin to share them here. Everything Lisa writes is absolutely true. Every. Bit. Of. It. I am a person of great strength of character and deep faith. If that weren’t so I wold have lost all faith in God and humanity because what I have suffered from complete strangers is beyond inhumane. Moms are especially vulnerable. I eventually would not go out with my son unless my husband was with us. Two parents together are more of a force to be dealt with, and in general people are less likely to confront a man. That sucks, but is true. I gave up long ago trying to “be nice” , “educate” , “enlighten”. It’s a waste of time. All of that is lost on the type of person who would verbally abuse and attack you because of your autistic child.
Phil said:
Hi all,
Just read this article as it appeared on Facebook, as a link from one of my friends. I am not a parent of a child with autism. I am not a parent at all.
I have taught students with Autism for 14 years though, so obviously over the years of working within mainstream settings, of trying to provide community access opportunities, etc, I know all the ignorance and the rage of which you speak.
(I do not understand why people like myself, who CHOOSE to work with your children, are so often seen as the enemy, but this is a completely seperate topic)
But, my question for here… I am noticing… this is a support for Mothers of children with Autism.
Is this meaning to say that Fathers do not matter? Or am I to believe that there is not a single father of a child with autism utilising these forums? I work with some fantastic fathers and it surprises/saddens me to think that there is none here.
Bo said:
My husband was a single father to his autistic son for 4 years before I met him. He has gone through so much to support and learn to cope with his sons trials. The mother denies that their child is autistic and blames his disruptive and often destructive behavior on my husband. I want to shake her and scream “maybe if you would acknowledge and accept that he is AUTISTIC you would realize that his dad isn’t the cause” The boy actually is better behaved in our home than he is in hers BECAUSE we understand his disability and we strive to help him deal with it better. Autism dads have it just as hard as autism moms!
well rested at last said:
It’s nice to hear you all vent-I’ve spent the last 20 years doing this autism thing with my son, and i mostly try to act well. It’s affirming to just roll around in your anger once in a while and feel it. Good for you. Good for us.
Do try to get some sleep, though. You aren’t going to make it through the long haul- your body will start to give up. so hire a sitter and take a nap. Get some tranqs for the kid. Don’t make excuses. Just take care of yourselves….
Stacey SpendLove said:
Thank you for this advice…^_^
MassMom said:
What really pisses me of is when I come into contact with that Autism Mom who thinks if she doesn’t send in her dues check in she no longer belongs to the same club as I do. She believes and free points out that her kid is so much better than mine, so much more high functioning, so much better behaved — he clearly doesn’t have the “same autism” as mine. Well no shit Sherlock! She doesn’t take into consideration that while my child’s behavior is not always great he is performing at grade level, reading and functioning — while hers is a well behaved, social joy (really the kid is great) that cannot read and struggles with simple tasks.
I am in a large school district so there are a lot of Autism Moms here. Everyone once in a while I end up speaking to the ONE Autism Mom that has many opinions about treatment, behavior, IEPs, planning that are obviously so much better than mine, and she doesn’t hesitate to tell me so…… Dear Superior Autism “lady” – I have been there, done that, tried it, drove to it, saw that guy, have that report, been to that doctor, same for assessments – yep did it — Please do not treat me like I just joined this fracken club yesterday. And please have some respect for the other Autism Moms you meet along the way.
Donna said:
AMEN. EACH of our kids are different. I have a picture in my head , that every parent of an ASD kid is like a safe cracker, our ears to the wall of the safe, listening, hoping to hear the >click< as the tumblers fall into place. The combination is slightly to wildly different for each child.
So for anyone to presume that if you just do it the way THEY did, all your problems would dissolve, is ludicrous and arrogant.
We have 3 kids who were DXed autistic, only one has emerged to the point he is completely mainstreamed, and he still has serious issues. Our daughter, who is 15 now, the most severe, is mostly non verbal. She has a few words a year that pop out and astonish us, because they always come when least expected! Our youngest autistic son is almost 11, verbal but elusive and often hard to reach,but charming and wildly creative.
Anne-Marie Cox said:
I am emailing tis link to my in-laws… apparently I am grumpy and aloof… perhaps I am just so @#$%ing tired I am reaching psychosis!!! Give me a @#$%ing break you ASSHATS!!!! If I cannot even get my own family to “get it” what hope do I have of getting complete strangers to understand???
Ihave3aspiekids said:
I know what you mean. My father is a big aspie…my sister psychologist, told others she thinks he is. She WON’T tell my mother or admit it to me. She is a bitch. Acts like I’ve created this shameful little aspie world, no-one in my family wants to own up to AS. It is so hard to get anyone to understand extra help is required, It takes a toll on parents, the workload, and then family misunderstands intentionally. It is more hurtful when family don’t get it. I can’t talk to family anymore unless I avoid a whole lot of subjects. It is easier to cut them out most of the time. I might say something that would offend them: this is hereditary.
kathie said:
well I look at this and can totally understand and empathise with the feeling and thoughts of a parent of a child with a disability.(yes I am one) and then reflect on how lucky we are as to experience what so many others don,t .a gift is what I have been given 🙂
Donna said:
Wow
We’ve had 7 children, 6 living, 5 @ home, 3 Dxed w Autism. Have had plenty of incidences where my “cat footed, lock picking Houdinis” escaped from our safety net and would run down the street in various stages of undress, or sans apparel, causing the neighbors to think we were the WORST parents in the world
One son, who, btw, has subsequently “recovered” (was non verbal, had meltdowns), now is mainstreamed. Wish we could replicate his success, but with each child every combination is as different as a fingerprint.
Anyway, long before his emergence, we were at a Costco, and something set him off; he went nuclear, and couldn’t retrieve himself…the line was long, our nerves were frayed, and then my Amex card wasn’t working, so I had to pull our things aside, get on a phone, call them, all the while he is screaming bloody murder, non stop…finally the card was set, and I handed the rest of the transaction over to my husband, and with a grateful heart headed for the door, with just my son in the cart.
As I made my way towards the exit, a woman bustled up to me and said, her voice quivering with rage and disgust: “I hope you are taking that horrible child OUT OF HERE!!”
I looked at her for a moment then replied, “Ma’am, I’m so sorry he has disturbed you, but as you can see, we are leaving”
She bustled past, and I burst into tears.
Another woman came up and said “Don’t mind her, that was terrible!”
Then we cleared the door screeners, and as I made my way toward my car, the first woman, still seething had been watching for me, and then followed me to the car where she began to write down our license plate numbers before she disappeared with her cart.
Wish I had followed HER back to HER car and gotten HER plates because idiots like her can be dangerous!.
My husband emerged a short time later with our goods and we drove home.
I think it was the next day my doorbell rang, and I told the woman waiting outside: “Look, I used to sell Kirbys, so I’ll save you some time, I’m REALLY not going to buy anything..”
She replied “I’m not with Kirby vacuums, I’m with CPS!”
Apparently the lady at Costco wasn’t content with being waspish and rude to me in the store, she felt duty bound to “report ” me to CPS. And add some out and out lies to make them hurry to my doorstep!
I was so shocked I actually let her IN (often a huge mistake) but I was fortunate and we got it straightened out.
Ihave3aspiekids said:
Donna, thank you for your story. That is every parent’s nightmare. You were classy in every way in your response. Unfortunately it makes you feel that taking the high road can lead to protective services. Of course anyone would realise it was a mistake after meeting you. It is still so sad that a very good parent has to go through that kind of experience. Your story has made me realise that being public about my kids AS may be a very good thing.
DragonMystic said:
My oldest was diagnosed July 2011 with Asperger’s (which is added to the list already containing ADHD and Oppositional Defiant Disorder). For the last 8yrs I fought for someone to listen to me in regards to my sons behaviour and even though I was and am on good communication terms with my children’s school my son manage to tell his guidance counsellor some exaggerated misinterpretation of what he thought was the truth and now not only do I deal with three children with behaviour disorders, I also have had to deal with protective services. The doctor that finally diagnosed my son with Asperger’s even said to me after his test “He is highly intelligent and highly manipulative, and he now knows how to make the system work for him…be careful.” Truer words have never been said to me. I love all my children and know they are capable of so much, they all know that just because I have a diagnose of ___________ (insert behaviour disorder here) doesn’t mean that is all I am, it is just a part of what makes me who I am. They are all great boys and will grow into great men, I just hope the world can handle such wonderful people when they aren’t having the best of days.
Sharon said:
Ha, you’re not kidding. I have a child with a developmental disability, and two nephews on the spectrum. I was always pretty patient, but I have extraordinary patience now. My daughter needs vast reserves I never knew I had. I’m also a natural teacher, (former preschool director) so when I encounter people who just don’t know how to deal with kids with differences, they get a cheerful tiny lesson…I’ve taught many a playground full of kids how to play with my child rather than watch her be pushed of the slide like once happened before I got used to gathering kids and talking to them first. So Most people get a pretty reasoned response.
But one day, I totally lost it and the rage I used to feel All The Time just came bubbling up and blazing out. I was so exhausted, but my daughter needed a pretty outfit for a family occasion. She has an unusual build, small, and very low tone, so we had just spent two hours canvassing the mall and had come up empty. We stopped in the food court, daughter in an umbrella stroller.
So this wench comes walking by, and loudly announces “That child is Too Young to be eating pretzels!!!” I instantly went from 0 to 60. I positively Screamed back at her SHE’S FIVE YEARS OLD! HOW OLD DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO EAT A FUCKING PRETZEL?!!!
Ooops, there I went and caused a scene. But Whew, was she was mortified. (Good!)
I love the pizza in jail thing…sounds lovely. I bet if you’re good for a few months, they’ll even let you get a haircut in peace. 🙂
Ashlie said:
This was so on the money. All the things I wish I could say to the people I could care less for (in-laws mainly)
Becky Reeves said:
I’ve never had anyone be rude enough to say anything nasty to my face about my son but from the looks I’ve gotten I can tell they were saying things to those around them. Then you have the “well meaning” people that try to give you advice on how to handle your child!!!! Excuse me…but until you deal with autism 24/7 don’t even begin to tell me how to handle him!!!! My son is 17 now, bigger and louder than when he was younger and what bothers me recently is when he’s standing there basicly minding his own buisness and all of the sudden he makes one of his noises and adults will turn and take off like a bat outta hell to get away from him…grrr…I have been so tempted to shout at them from across the room that he’s autistic AND IT’S NOT CONTAGIOUS!!!!!!! Assholes….
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Anonymous said:
I love this. I was diagnosed with Aspergers five years ago and have ADHD/OCD and am Bi-Polar. RIght on.
Valerie Johnson said:
I came close to punching a nasty hateful woman in the movie theater. She called the usher because we were making to much noise. I loudly told him that my son has Autism which isn’t preventable but she was a nasty old Bitch which was,,,,,,,,
lolas blue said:
I am amazed after reading the above, people who obviously have no experience with autism spectrum disorders come on to make such ignorant , ill informed statements. While my children are not within the spectrum my daughter (10) runs in the low range of normal..how it was put after a slew of specialist..she borders the spectrum in sensory issues, emotions and pain are felt more strongly in her then a child on the high end of normal, and even in her it isn’t abnormal to see a full fledged fit over leaving a place she was enjoying. I am also a former nanny of a beautiful non verbal girl, and sometimes her behavior was within the range of normal, when I first saw her I was a cashier, she and I played peek a boo from around the shelves, a day later her mother approached me and asked if I had child care experience, she explained her daughter was non verbal and autistic and that I was the first person she “made contact” with since she was two. I never would have guessed she seemed so normal, and had I not spent all my spare time learning about autism I might have been one of those asshats. My point is this…do not judge until you’ve taken the time to learn, autism is such a wide spectrum…some high functioning kids may seem perfectly normal most the time, and some children on the more severe end of the spectrum will appear normal some of the time, but none of them are less autistic..they each have their daily struggles , struggles you couldn’t fathom unless you had been through it yourself.
Suz said:
Laughing through tears is such a perfect name for this blog. One of my friends reported it on Facebook and I found myself giggling and overwhelmed by tears at the same time. Yes there are heaps of ignoramusous out there but by god I take satisfaction in giving them ‘the look’…that’s right the sleep deprived woman-on-the-verge-of-a psychotic-break-so-walk-away-silently-look… Keep blogging!!!
Lovelyflowers said:
I am grandmother age and have no one in my family that we know of at this time that has autism. When I see one of you at the store and your child is having a melt down, are there encouraging words that I can say that will possibly help? My inclination is to want to try to distract the child by talking to him/her and hope that will change their focus but I am never sure what is best to do to give you, the parent, just a bit of support.
Jereswife said:
Lovelyflowers,
Your post is so sweet! I can’t speak for other parents, but what means the most to me is an understanding smile. Sometimes it takes longer for me to check out, sometimes my son is screaming. The nicest thing you can do is to be the person behind me in line, because it sounds like you would be understanding. The words “take your time” and “it’s no problem” go a long way. And the best thing you could ever do? Smile at my kid even when he’s doing something crazy, like licking the handle of the cart! It lets me know that you aren’t judging him for having autism. Patience is the best gift you can give an autism parent. People like you could be a shining example for others!
Irene said:
LovelyFlowers your post is so kind!!! Thank you… What I find helpful is just a smile, or even if someone were to ask ‘is there anything I can do for you?’… my ASD child would not respond well to a stranger, but I might need help with a bag or a younger sibling…. I hope I meet you some day when I’m out shopping 🙂 xx
Tracy said:
People who say, “I don’t know how you do it.” And then they hang up and never offer to help, say a prayer, or kiss my ass. Nothing!
Miriam said:
All these memories are popping into my head. “Nothing a good spanking won’t fix.” “There’s nothing wrong with that kid, it’s just his mother.” “If you let him do that now he’ll do that to you for the rest of his life.” This last one turned out to be totally untrue. I knew it would. Why would my 14 year old stand in a shopping cart screaming to reach a trampoline hanging from a ceiling?! Yeah, we were in one of those warehouse stores. This WOMAN was handing out samples of something. I guess this is her hobby on days when she isn’t a childhood behavior expert. All I wanted was a stinking package of diapers. When we went in the store there was a trampoline, a HUGE one, hanging from the ceiling. This got my son screaming. I went to where samples were being handed out to try to calm him. He wasn’t diagnosed at this point but I knew he was more intense than typical kids and a diagnosis was less than a year away. I was already worried. So Alex was screaming and getting a sample stopped him for about 30 seconds. Then he started up again and I went to the second person handing out samples. This did not stop the screaming and the woman said what she SAID which was about him doing this to me for the rest of his life and I just KNOW lightening bolts were coming out of my eyes. I was 7 months pregnant with my daughter so the hormones were not doing anything to help me be calm. I shouted at the woman, “This is NONE OF YOUR GODDAMNED BUSINESS SO SHUT. YOUR. MOUTH!” This caused her to look very frightened and she started apologizing profusely. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!” I was SO angry. I’m sure I looked quite homicidal at the time. Oddly enough it was this weird exchange between me and another adult that made my son stop screaming. He was watching in fascination then started playing with some lego toys he had from McDonalds. He was perfectly angelic for the rest of this shopping trip and I was tempted to go back and thank the woman for being a fool because it was probably the fallout from that which caused my son to change his focus and get him out of tantrum mode. We didn’t have a dx yet but we were already suffering a lot of nastiness from other people.
Miriam said:
Last week we were at a restaurant, not like a fancy place, it was an ice cream chain called Friendlies. Not everyone has them around but we have a lot of them around us. The staff were wearing puzzle piece pins and selling the pins for $5 to benefit Easter Seals. Meanwhile, the people sitting closest to us was filled with teenaged girls and a guy too young to be their dad and too old to be a friend. They spend their WHOLE MEAL looking at and laughing at my kiddo who really wasn’t doing anything SO strange. Of course the whole family became clumsy at this point and we spilled things, dropped things and my husband nearly fell getting out of the booth and EVERY SINGLE THING we did had this whole table of asshats laughing at us. I was so angry. I finally stood up and said loudly and to no one in particular “It’s a shame a kid with autism can’t go out and have ice cream with his family without being stared at and laughed at!” Then I asked the waitress to talk to them about the pins. Not sure if she did. She looked like a deer in the headlights and it wasn’t her fault. She was apologizing to me and that wasn’t necessary. Anyway, teenaged girls aren’t known for their sensitivity. Still, it just made me so angry!
Miriam said:
My sense of humor has done a lot of save me in these situations though it rarely stops me from speaking my mind if I have a comeback. My favorite was when we were in the check-out line at Target and my son suddenly started quoting a radio commercial at the people in front of us. His hearing is way too good and he overheard an adolescent asking for a cellphone. He remembered a commercial in which someone said, “She can talk her head off, she deserves a phone.” So he started yelling “CAN YOU TALK YOUR HEAD OFF?! IF YOU CAN’T TALK YOUR HEAD OFF YOU DON’T DESERVE A PHONE!” Yeah, he has aspergers so is exceedingly verbal at just the wrong moments. The mom looked at us like we were killing someone. The intensity of her anger made me laugh right in her face. Then when it was our turn the girl at the checkout said, “Too much sugar?” and I laughed and said in a rather friendly voice, “No, autism.” It wasn’t in anger, to me it was just a fact. She backed up a few steps trying not to look horrified then went out of her way to talk to my son and ask him about the new video game he was getting. I guess she was educable.
charlotte gracer said:
I couldn’t get past the first comment, obviously an asshat themselves. Take my compassion and shove it in your piehole. Thanks for the laugh it drowned out my son chanting, “No more strings”.
Stacie said:
I so can relate to this! Many nights of being sleep deprived or being woke up in the middle of the night because of nightmares. Many people staring at me because my son is melting down because he can’t stand the crowds.I have had it out with a couple people in public before. You have hit the nail on the head with everything you said!
Amanda Cordier said:
I laughed myself to tears reading this! Awesome!
Reading this makes me feel “normal”. 🙂
aefountain said:
Tiffany, I hear you pain. Is there someone that you have some trust for, so you can spill was it pent up in you? You confine me at my bog if you need to chat.
Tiffany Kirby said:
This is amazing because I have felt like this for the past four years. My daughter is high functioning and has caught up to her age level in speech so I know I am lucky that my daughter did improve. She is still “different” though and other kids/adults know that she’s different and think that she’s odd/weird. I struggle every single day because she can talk normal, she looks normal, but she is hyper and says off the wall things that just doesn’t make any sense most of the time. I want to walk around with a t-shirt that says “my daughter has autism so stop judging us” but I know that would get more stares. I don’t like the attention, I don’t like people staring at me but when I’m in public with my daughter she draws attention. I have realized that I have been living in this bubble and I think I am suffering from PSD. My husband went to Iraq and he came back to a wife dealing with PSD, pretty sad. I am so happy that my daughter is so smart but she is getting ready to go into kindergarten, I feel every muscle in my body get tense when I think about it. I don’t want to deal with the stress and the endless worries that I feel age me more and more everyday. I want my daughter to live a normal, happy life but I have to worry about what everyone else thinks about her and what is going through their head when they are in her presence. I don’t think anyone will accept her completely for the beautiful, loving, caring, smart, affectionate person that she is. I know that my daughter is something special BUT I am having a hard time dealing with the stares, I have a hard time when she gives someone a hug and they look at me like I need to control my child, I have a hard time when she constantly tells me she can’t do something when we all know that she can. I have been fighting and fighting and fighting since the day she was diagnosed and I am tired…I am done fighting…I am done explaining…I don’t need to explain my daughter to anyone. If someone gives you a nasty look, says something nasty, or judges you…try your best to ignore them but if you just can’t then say “My child has Autism, you should think before you speak”.
vedacat said:
I know, being in the world watching how others react is exhausting. It does age you. I ate a lot too.It hurts when others judge the way you ‘ve aged, when some of those others make you feel less than bc you don’t look after yourself…who’s got time to worry about that? All energy goes into surviving schools and other people, or into the kids, depending on the stage your child is at. What the hell do I care what I weigh, how many wrinkles I have, or what I wear?
MotherofChaos said:
My husband and I went to the PC Bank (inside Superstore) to enquire/open an account for out moderately autistic child. Their policy is “first come, first served…meaning, you actually have to stand in line or lose your place. Needless to say, our child wasn’t good at waiting at that time. My husband told the bank person about our situation (mentioning our child was autistic and can’t wait in line) and if he can phone him on his cell when it’s our turn. He said he would. Therein lies the problem. He lied. We went shopping and when we never heard back from him and as our child was getting more and more upset with hanging around the store, we went back and saw him take someone in before us. I waited and then freaked out on him. He reiterated their policy about first come first served. I told him that i knew that policy, but, since he said he would call, we were expecting the call. If he couldn’t accommodate us, he should’ve said so, so that we wouldn’t waste our time waiting for nothing. By this time, my husband had to take, no, haul our son out of the store because he was so upset and screaming (my son, not my husband) and my voice was getting louder and louder. He did the worse thing anybody would’ve done in a situation like that. He should’ve just apologized and that would have been it, but, instead, he said, “please calm down, mam” and “please lower your voice mam”. I knew people were staring and I just didn’t care and I made a point of getting louder in my accusation that he lied and didn’t have any compassion or understanding for people with special needs and then I stormed out of the store. I was so mad and guilt ridden that I was so rude to someone who obviously didn’t have half a brain to provide decent customer service…never mind good customer service. Anyway, to make a long story short, I took the high road and went back and apologized to him for yelling at him, but, not for what I said because it was true.
Thanks for letting me rant.
aefountain said:
omg, omg, omg, omg
I couldn’t have said any of this better myself.
This line specifically and I am 18 years in – “We are angry about the loss of the child we were supposed to have, and we never truly stop mourning.”
People don’t get that. I do and it will hit me like a rolling 10 foot wave.
I have put a link to this from my own blog because I know others will enjoy this.
thank you.
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Suzanne said:
I’m late to the party, as usual….I have had quite a few incidents but the most striking one was this summer…we had taken the family to the beach to wait for the turtles to hatch (yawn-lol). As we got closer to the beach access, the house on the corner where we were parking was setting off fireworks (Oh Lord, can you see where this is going?). My daughter (16) started freaking out before she even HEARD them. My youngest and I got out of the car and my husband resigned himself to a looonngg wait in the car. He could see the young men in the backyard setting off the fireworks…he asked them if they would stop because our daughter was so scared and they said, “No problem, man” and went inside (see here I gave you the GOOD news before the BAD). My husband and daughter joined us on the beach! By the time we got back to the car, the lights were off in that house so I posted this story on FB and Craigslist, hoping to find out WHO these guys were so I could thank them. WELLLL…some subhuman responded that there was no such thing as AUTISM and that we all kowtow to a large population of spoiled little brats – let me tell you this – I posted HIS response on FB and Craigslist and let the chips fall where they may!
Anonymous said:
You did absolutely the right thing. Just remember the old saying asit were, what comes around goes around. In the end he will get his. I am a gramma of 3, one is on the spectrum and the other 2 have yet to be tested. All I can say is keep the faith. Go in with your eyes wide open.
Massmom said:
I simply tell people that if they don’t like the sound of humans, they should simply stay home. That, or I ask them politely if they forgot to take their medications that controls spontaneous, negative criticism of those around them.
In any event, I learned patience and I have found ways for my son with Aspergers to succeed with skills with which he possesses. He may not have adequate social skills or a great attention span but he’s a great athlete; qualifying for the Junior Olympics twice.
We knew with the diagnosis this would be hard road.but many special needs children are blessed with skills and talents that can be nurtured and raise their self-esteem. I remind myself of this whenever I encounter the ignorant, the rude and the empathy to lower my blood pressure.
p.s. I get France. I am a six foot woman too. I tend to draw myself up full height when dealing with the social lapses of others. It does intimidate!
NISMOM said:
Sad to say, my “that’s it!” moment was actually with a family member who lives hours away and sees my daughter 2x/year for a day or weekend, can’t acknowledge her diagnosis, but thought she knew enough to give me sound advice on how to PT her, and her advice was (3,2,1…) “to give her a timeout or a spanking when she has an accident.” BOOM!!!
I told her she didn’t know the first thing about her granddaughter and much less about her condition. I asked if I should tell her teachers to give her spankings, too, b/c she doesn’t spend all day with me, and reminded her that, for that same reason, she should realize the problem is not with me alone – there is a handful of people trying to work with her on PT. Finally (yeeeeha!) I said I was not discussing PT with her anymore and that there are many things to be shared about who my daughter is, too bad she only cared about her diapers…
Man, did it feel good to get it off my chest! Of course, later we acted like it never happened, she is the grandma and I won’t cut her off our lives, but she never asked again! And I think she’ll think twice before offering advice again!
CrazyMommagoose said:
This will sound nuts…but Apie moms will get it…when my 10 yr old sons meltdowns get a nasty reaction from someone…..I just inform my daughter teradactels ARE dinosaurs….just so they can get their “money’s worth” …lol while she’s screaming “flying reptile @top of her lungs and he’s publicly disrobing and shrikeing…..pretend I don’t notice its abnormal lol…..
Anonymous said:
I absolutely adore this ladies and thank you for making me feel that I am not alone. A quick true story for you. Two weeks ago I was in a conference with all of my sons teachers and one of them had the nerve to say she thought my son was “using his Aspergers as an excuse” not to do his work and I did have a clever reply for her but than another one of his teachers tried to compare him to some of his past Aspie students and I was so dumbfounded I couldn’t think of anything to say…until after I left the room!! It’s so crazy to me how they know nothing about Autism but have so much to offer you when they are in a pack and are speaking against you! The next meeting we have I think I will bring in a stack of the many books I have on Aspergers, politely put them on the table and kindly ask them to educate themselves before they proceed to put their big feet in their big mouths again! After all it is all about educating ourselves is it not?? : )
Ari said:
This is why people don’t want to work with kids with autism in the schools. It’s not the kids, it’s the parents. Treating people who are there to help as the enemy, suing the school, asking for completely unreasonable demands that will not help your child, and causing a hostile environment at home and at school helps no one. The demands I have seen parents make teachers do is appalling. Who are you going to sue when your child is out of school?
allmykidshaveaspergers said:
Ari, your stupidity knows no bounds. You should not be on this forum, it is not for you. I am a teacher in special education and a parent, and what anonymous says is true, you don’t compare children on the spectrum with each other, they are different that is autism 101, and she was not aggressive, the teaching panel were ignorant they are there to provide help SO HER CHILD IS NOT LEFT BEHIND AND PUSHED OUT OF SCHOOL BECAUSE OF ANXIETY. One of my kids has been repeatedly pushed out through lack of care, understanding and at times unredressed bullying, this parent is right to be concerned when the panel offer no solutions, just group supported ignorance. There are children who say they can’t cope, which means they are not dealing with sensory, social, communication issues, and some call this ‘the Asperger’s’ it is their way of saying ‘there are things I don’t want to try, I am used to failing, leave me alone to be safe’. Ari, stop trolling this blog and find yourself some other people to pick on. You are obviously a poorly educated teacher type, who fancies yourself the victim of parents who don’t understand, it is not the job of parents to understand teachers, teachers need to understand their students and respect parents as part of the process, when teachers fail, parents pick up the slack and the bill for mental illness, many should be sued, if you cause a child to kill themselves (which happens) through lack of action-to stop bullying, then parents have the right to re-dress that. It doesn’t happen often, because parents don’t have the energy, but when parents band together in the future, and it does happen, then maybe schools will supply better care. There are many, many great teachers, but many like yourself, and they cause serious trouble, and should not have the care of vulnerable people. Take your personal issues elsewhere, we don’t have to support disenfranchised people like yourself here, find a forum for picked on, misunderstood educators who advocate the provision of low grade care. You’ll be a star in that environment, a famous whinger! But don’t let that negativity impact on your wife, kids or extended family, you know those things affect those around us. Please do send us the link, I’m sure we’d love an opportunity to examine your issues in a blog format, and troll your forum. Best wishes.
Ari said:
When someone gives an opinion that’s not popular here, they are trolling. That’s ok, I won’t comment anymore after this. Parents who sue the school for 40 hours of in-home behavioral therapy, behaviorists, music therapy, horse therapy, demanding teachers give tests a head of time, force teachers to teach material to their child that is way over their heads, force therapists to give therapy that is no longer needed, and be filled with rage and hostility does not help the child. Eventually schools WILL go broke because of the demands of parents with autistic kids. You are shooting yourselves in the foot. Schools are not an insurance company. I would say the same to you after your child graduates from school, who will you now sue and blame? Good luck.
allmykidshaveaspergers said:
Haven’t seen many cases that you talk about, wish there were more. I haven’t sued anyone, but if I had the energy I would, my child nearly took her life, bullying that wasn’t stopped by the school caused it, if the only thing they understand is money, not common decency, then I say, parents with energy, please sue schools for basic duty of care issues. I thought you were a teacher with a grudge, pretending to understand parents here, but hitting out at us subtlely…wow, you are so bitter, and you are only a teacher. Imagine what you’d be like if you had to put up with people like you, as we do? YOU with your petty issues, telling us to get over it? You should not be teaching, you don’t understand anything about autism. If you are so good at what you do, you would be able to create data driven outcomes that prove you are meeting individual learning targets. Fancy someone like you telling parents to implement behaviour plans, when schools struggle with behaviours, then often blame parents. We cop it from teachers like you for being bitter, telling us we should support schools who don’t support our kids with what they need. Your ignorance and arrogance are frightening, and you should be ashamed, you need serious therapy, picking on a group of marginalised parents and their kids. There are lots of great teachers out there doing their best but people like you taint teaching, when most teachers are in it to make a difference, if you don’t understand or have respect for kids and families dealing with ASD’s, then you should not have the audacity to teach these children, you are supposed to make their lives better and do not have even basic understanding of autism issues. No wonder you get bad feedback at your school, get educated, read a few books, you could actually change some lives for the better.
Seno said:
Absolutely wonderful. Thank you! Power to the pissed off people!!
Frances said:
I love this article because there’s so much truth in it. But no one ever messes with me. I’m a woman over six feet tall, I usually carry one kid on my back, I have very piercing eyes & hair styled by the kid on my back and I have ASK ME ABOUT AUTISM written in large bright pink letters on my purse. I also have it written on my t-shirt. Most people look at me, then look away immediately, but everyone in the autism community approaches me to chat, which I love. Be sure to say hi to me when you see me around town. 🙂
MotherofChaos said:
That’s so cool!
Anonymous said:
I had a ” Childless ” woman in her mid 30’s mutter one day , ” Boy, is THAT kid not a walking advertisement for Birth Control or what ?? ” …. That was 16 years ago when my son was 3 ! …. I’d dearly love to see that woman meet up with him NOW !!
Mel said:
I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. This is so very true and funny at the same time. I’m there every day
Julie Shapiro said:
haven’t had to deal with ignoramuses in public much lately, but the meltdowns seem to be more at home, so i’ve been running around frantically trying to figure out WHAT could possibly be putting him in sensory overload and am coming up empty!
one thing that upsets me but i know its par for the course is having to explain my older non ASD son’s special needs because people either have no clue whatsoever what i am talking about and its difficult to explain or they confuse it with a similarly named disorder. so it was pleasant to see my old psychology professor from college and he KNEW exactly what i was talking about!! such a nice change!
Lesley said:
I laughed, I cried…..it confused my children. THANKS!!!!!
Tessa flores said:
I love this article & it really cheered me up after a bad day given to me by my family’s shit ways& how they treat me & my autistic son. I love this & I’m prepared to fight for my son for the rest of my life
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lhrrn said:
After a long period of “staring” and hushed whispers by fellow customers, who were waiting in line behind me, while my son raged after being strapped into the buggy that he was really too big for, I turned and announced apologetically “Not that I owe you any explanation, but my son is autistic. And if this is hard for you for 15 minutes, imagine what it must be like to be me.” Complete silence. Sometimes, you have to get out of the house.
tulpen said:
I wish I had time to read all these comments!
I don’t have an autistic kid. He’s just Deaf and otherwise especially needy. So I relate to lots of this.
My reaction to asshattery largely depends on my mood… I can be quite tolerant of an ignorant remark or can go ape shit on a stupid stranger. My choice!!
blogginglily said:
Oh my sweet good god! Nice comment section.
Well, I really loved the blog post. I was a little disappointed that there wasn’t more swearing, because I was promised (warned) there would be swearing when I linked to this blog post. BUT. . . lack of swearing notwithstanding. . . great blog.
myautisticplace said:
Hi,
I’ve had those horrific stares, comments and one TSA agent at JFK told me that I needed to teach my then 3yrs old son some manners. Please excuse my french but I told him to………..’eff off’ and mind his own ‘effin’ business and make sure there’s no terrorists or bombs getting on my plane……………oops!! My bad! It felt good! That’s the defining moment for me; I simply stopped caring what anyone said.
I’m at the point now where I’ve grown a thick skin and don’t need to explain to every judge mental jackass why he’s having a meltdown.
jacquirose17.wordpress.com (Autism; A Different Perspective).
Julie Shapiro said:
i think the other thing that anyone who wants to comment on needs to realize is that not every single Aspie child or adult is the same. most of us do realize that, i am referring to the ignorant ones who either mention it in a store or online and not just here. some parents have to lock up the house like fort knox because they have a wanderer, others don’t sleep but a few hours if that a week because their child hardly sleeps and is recharged after only a bit of sleep and they have to be supervised others have the luxury of a decent night’s sleep no padlocks and can actually go get errands done without so much as a whimper from their Aspie. every single child or adult on the spectrum is DIFFERENT and may or may not exhibit the same tendencies as another, so therefore someone who worked with ONE Aspie is NOT qualified to judge another based on differences nor are they qualified to say or post that because my son walks talks and looks normal makes him non-ASD when he has a formal diagnosis of Autistic Spectrum Disorder as of March 2010 when he was 9. and again i mean the ones who chime in with off the wall posts and replies such as “sympatheticbutnotstupid” or the anonymous post from the parent who said we are all using the woe is me i want sympathy because i am a victim angle of our Aspie children! i mean the idiotic, ignorant asshats who assume a temper tantrum is not a meltdown just a child being a child and they aren’t autistic whatsoever! i think everyone knows who i mean, even the ignorant jackasses who posted that utter bullshit!
i have never ever once asked anyone for sympathy. but boy did i fight to have someone anyone LISTEN to me and UNDERSTAND me! i’ve researched autism for college classes but that was always the medical side to it, the research groups, not the actual following of actual autistic kids in a month in the life of sort of thing, so i’ll be honest even suspecting Adam of being autistic when he was younger wasn’t enough according to those educational beings who worked with him to warrant a diagnosis! i didn’t have support systems like this blog and the Facebook groups i’m involved with now to help me then. and now that he got a late diagnosis, its all truly new to me because there aren’t instruction manuals or parenting classes or really anything other than experiencing it on a daily basis that prepares you for autism. sure people can write books, papers, medical journal articles etc but those seem to have a more medical feel to them, not something that can be used to help you out if your child is awake at 3 am screaming banging his head and can’t tell you what the issue is cause he’s nonverbal. even though i’ve researched autism this is a new aspect of life for both me and my kids. its taken a while to change our habits and how we’ve lived and handled things in the past because a majority of those methods don’t work with Adam now. some of it is so new that i sometimes have to do my own research to see if there are any cases studied that might help me with Adam. he’s sleeping all the time it seems, he is lazy, bosses his brother around, goes into meltdowns over things that not even a normal aged child would freak about and does on occasion wander away from me. i have found an article or two on wandering and realize now that it is normal but a few months ago i didn’t know that about autism because it was something that someone researched over a period of time and compiled an article on it. there are areas of autism that my own college research did not come into play with my own son! every day is a learning experience for us because he doesn’t always act the same way every day.
and that’s something else the ignoramuses need to realize as well. autistic kids will exhibit behaviors that may only appear at certain times and not all the time, so that doesn’t mean that when you see an Aspie exhibit a behavior and then not again for a few weeks doesn’t mean they are cured! Autism on the spectrum is LIFELONG, its not something where a child or adult wakes up one day and says oh hey i’m autistic and then the next day says oh today i’m gonna be normal and remain so for the rest of my life. autism is lifelong every day and its going to be a learning process for the parents. no we don’t want or ask for sympathy we want UNDERSTANDING!! we want people to listen to us when we say things and not judge us as “bad parents” because we are dealing with our Aspie having a meltdown because the grocery store changed the order of the vegetables or that we have to fireman carry our Aspie away from something that scared the crap out of them and they are screaming and flailing because of sensory overload! And believe me something like changing the order of a certain aisle may seem silly or miniscule to you or me but to an autistic child who processed that aisle or store by that vegetable order or some display that was taken down or a toy they’ve always known not to move suddenly starts moving and scares them when it may not scare a non-ASD child , um yea to that autistic child it IS a big deal!
so with that said, PLEASE TO THE JUDGMENTAL ASSHATS, IGNORANT IDIOTS AND OTHER MORONS WHO KNOW NOTHING ABOUT AUTISM OR CHILDREN IN GENERAL, THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK OR POST! those of us who experience autism on a daily basis would truly appreciate some understanding and support for the life we live every day as Aspie parents!!
MotherofChaos said:
Amen to that. Well said and bravo.
Anonymous said:
OMG this article is awesome. You’ve managed to put into words everything we’ve felt and experienced in the last 7 years. My son is doing amazingly well, but those first 4 years were horrible…awful…exhausting. We’ve lost family who couldn’t/wouldn’t understand or support us. We’ve had people accuse us of being bad parents. I even had a group of older women accuse me of being a welfare mom who spits out kids with no thought to how much they pay in taxes. I am in fact college educated and have worked for the same company for over 20 years. I’m quite sure I’ve paid more in taxes than those women ever have. I had a woman at a park call my kid a retard because his speech was difficult to understand. The children’s leaders at church wouldn’t “take” my son. My bishop just told me to “hang in there and keep praying”. That’s when I snapped at him that prayer doesn’t seem to be working…he’s still autistic. My son is 7 years old now and leads his class in every subject. He’s friendly, empathetic and kind. He’s not cured and he struggles socially. He always will. My daughters responded to an unkind stranger with a youtube video they made to educate people. The school leaders like it so much that my daughters were invited to present it to the school. We’ve learned a lot from him. He’s our greatest challenge but also one of our greatest blessings.
check him out!
youtube.com
robby’s r-word cause
Julie Shapiro said:
@ robby’s mother, awesome!! i know as frustrated as i can tend to get i sure the hell wouldn’t change a single thing about my life right now! my kids are my blessing and the most perfect part of my life!!!
gotta share this because i think its relevant. we went and spent the whole day with my grandmother, their great grandmother visiting family. my kids were absolutely amazing and very well behaved which for Adam, my Aspie, is an accomplishment! we stopped at McDonald’s and this boy greeted us at the door, held it open for us and just seemed to think my kids were great and i think also its because he was the only child in the place til we showed up. i had to go to the ladies room. when i came out the boy was still all over the place with my kids and so excited and i thought it was great for all 3 of them. his father approached me and apologized for his son being so “forward” and said in a lower voice “its because he’s handicapped”. Adam had excused himself to the men’s room and i said thank you for apologizing but i know where you are coming from because my son who just went to the bathroom is autistic and my older guy there has ADHD and OPD and i completely understand and relate to what you go through every day! and i also let him know his son had been a total and complete polite gentleman to us by holding the door for us all. we visited for a few more minutes while waiting for grandma to finish in the bathroom and i excused myself to check on her since she is 84 years old then we ordered what we wanted and continued on to visit with family. i just felt so blessed to have met this man and no names were exchanged but i don’t think he expected me to respond the way i did! i think he felt relieved that i wasn’t one of the many inconsiderate asshats who might have been rude to him about it and i wish i’d said you’ve done an excellent job of raising him so far cause he’s so polite!! the man never told me exactly what his son’s handicap was but i had no issues with this young man interacting with my kids or being polite!
Katrena Lee said:
I’m going to check it out but I think I may have already seen this video within the last three months and if it is the same one it is AMAZING….wow
Julie Shapiro said:
i’d just like to say that the reason for this blog is not to say that we aspie mothers (or fathers or both) would ever result in a violent act against an idiot for saying or doing something to truly piss us off and the way “fight” is used is not to mean physical fighting as in punches or physicalities used, but that we have to fight everyday for understanding, and what’s right for our kids’ educational needs and therapeutic needs and no we don’t play victims. we are stressed out from long hours and little to no sleep. we sometimes can’t get done what needs to be done for US on a personal level because maybe our aspies wander at any moment that could get triggered by anything. sometimes we have no choice but to have to go out to eat, to the store etc with our aspies in tow and no we don’t need some ignorant idiot who has no idea telling us we are a bad parent, or our kid needs a swift smack on the ass or we need to control them better.
and its not really sympathy we want or look for its UNDERSTANDING and not to be judged. i may give a strange look to an adult acting like a child but its not a judging look, its a “oook more power to them cause i sure the hell aint’ brave enough to do that myself”. i have never been a very outgoing person from childhood to now, i’ve always been shy, so no i wouldn’t ever do that to draw attention to myself, but i’m not going to smack my kid i’m going to be firm in what i’ve said to him and if he goes into meltdown mode because he can’t process what’s being said we leave to eliminate the sensory overload and get him to calm down and process what’s been said.
i have come a long way in not judging people cause if i see someone with a child having a temper tantrum i know there is a reason and i’m not going to be ignorant to say control that kid, but not knowing the situation either i am not going to say something at all in the event that they are in a mood to take anything i say the wrong way. in my head though i say a prayer like “Dear Lord, please give that parent the peace she needs for even just a few minutes cause i know what she’s going through”….i figure a prayer can help someone who may have a look or posture about them that says let us work this out on our own leave us alone so that i don’t get screamed at for saying good luck i’ve been there because they think i am being sarcastic or rude, when i am not.
but unfortunately there are ignorant people out there who think we are asking for sympathy, or that the behaviors are normal to a certain age and then its abnormal because they don’t understand…..and all we really want is someone to understand and either say something uplifting or if we don’t look like we want to interact with people say a prayer for us, religious or not. it might be the most helpful understanding thing you could do for a parent who’s having issues with their kid(s). and i applaud anyone with more than one aspie who forges out into public places with them and can handle all of it….to you parents you are superheroes and i can learn so much from you only having one aspie myself!!
last thought and i am done, my 14 year old has ADHD, OPD and sensory issues. i can take him to the store with me tell him once what we have to get and he is amazingly helpful. ever since he was 4 and 5 (before we knew his diagnoses) on up til now he has never once thrown a temper tantrum or meltdown for any reason. so please don’t tell me all kids have done it at a young age at some time or another, because my son has always been the most well behaved child from infancy to now. maybe because he was premature i don’t know. and i haven’t done anything differently with him as i have been a single parent most of his life, other than to obviously have his brother. my oldest son has been extremely resilient and amazing during this entire ordeal and i applaud him as a hero cause he tries to help and not be ignorant…..apparently i’ve done something right with him!!
allmykidshaveaspergers said:
I have decided that it is normal to judge others, and that the whole ‘survival of the fittest’ is alive and well and supported by the school system. In the past I have expected that others all want to see fairness and equality, it is a personal relief to let that expectation go, and realise that there is only a minority of people for whom fairness and equality are a reasonable expectation. That doesn’t mean I won’t stop fighting for these things, for my own kids and for other people’s kids. I have had a situation with my child in class crying every day (grade 5 level), and a teacher saying, he is just manipulating you, he is fine when you are gone. When I finally went into the class, I could feel HATE in many and dislike from all for my son. The worst was realising the feeling was endorsed by the teacher, who understood why the other kids had a problem with him. SHE WAS SUPPORTING AND FEEDING THE CLASS SITUATION!! HE WAS ALONE IN EVERY WAY. I pulled him out of that school on the spot, and left. My only regret was that I hadn’t walked into that class earlier to ‘feel’ what my son had to deal with every day, and that I never told that teacher exactly what I thought of what she had done to my son.He has had a lot of home schooling since.
Maryann said:
Yeah, that pretty much covers it all! Now, if you will please get out of my head… 🙂
BusyOKCMom said:
I once a woman tell me the reason my son had Autism was because I did not pray enough. If only I would pray more, God would heal my son!
1st- The woman was an idiot to think I had not already prayed and prayed for my son.
2nd- If what the woman said was true, then God would have to be an @$$. To think there is some unknown magical number of prayers to heal my son is nuts. What if I were only 2 prayers away? Would God still allow my son and our family to suffer waiting for me to hit that magical number? If so, then the woman’s God would have to an @$$.
michelle2683 said:
This is SO TRUE…it’s like I said it myself or you wrote this about me. I know there is a strong Army of Autism Mommies out there…world BEWARE!
Amy said:
This is 100% true. I also get pissed off at the people who met a child with autism once and they think this qualifies them as experts on what to do for your child who they know nothing about
Anonymous said:
I think a lot of the people commenting here need to read the original post… 5 reasons NOT to piss off an autism mom!!!
Elizabeth Duncan said:
My son is Autistic and have had to deal with stares but recently have stopped caring what people think about what he is doing. Just yesterday we went to the store with my mom and were split up we were waiting by the checkout and my son started yelling “Nana Nana!” which of course made my younger son start yelling too nobody said anything just stared but I just smiled at him and said “I don’t think Nana’s close enough to hear you” and he stopped I wasn’t embarrassed like some people would be I just thought if he got lost in the store he’d be standing there yelling for me or Nana (my mom) and somebody would know he was lost. I was glad and proud of him. I used to avoid taking him places because of the people there but have decided it was better for him to be out in the world and learn from being out and stopped caring if this annoyed people or if they thought I was a bad parent I know what kind of mom I am and so does my son that’s what matters. I also use these moments to teach him if somebody thinks it’s their place to say something about his behavior then it’s them that has a problem.
Tara Kaberry said:
This article perfectly summed up my intense struggle in the early years. However, now my son is 11 and although he still has his challenges, compared with those early years our journey is now a walk in the park. Somewhere in there I also gained some perspective on the worth of a soul. It now doesn’t matter to me what his capabilities are or if I will have to care for him my whole life (which I strongly doubt these days), what matters is our families well being.. each one of us individually and collectively. I have learned to stay close to those who are supportive and draw away from those who are not.
The ignorance and lack of care of those who come into contact with us deserve nothing more than education. We don’t have to surround ourselves with them on a permanent basis. Feel sorry for whoever they are inflicting with their narrow and heartless points of view.
I remember being grocery shopping and being a checkout with my son in the midst of a meltdown. An old lady in the queue next to me leaned over and said “He just needs a good smack.” She could see I was struggling with my 3 year old and yet my 4 year old daughter stood beside me like an angel. I was a breaking point. I leaned towards her and with a filthy look on my face seethed “I know what his problem is .. he has autism.. but what the hell is yours.”
Would I do it again? In that same situation with the stresses I had at the time? Probably. There was nothing stopping that woman asking if I needed a hand. Instead she judged from her moral high ground without any understanding of my situation. Unfortunately not everyone is understanding.
Jeni Decker said:
Been there, done that, have the bumper sticker to prove it.
From my humor memoir about raising two boys with autism ( to be released Jan. 2012):
When I am in the grocery store and my child suddenly rolls into tantrum mode, kicking and screaming and such, it’s not very helpful if passersby say things like, “He needs a good spanking,” or “You wouldn’t see my kid acting like that” or the shaking-of-the-head-with-sour-puss that speaks volumes of disdain.
I have stock replies to these uneducated and intolerant statements and stares, but often it takes something entirely different to get my point across. I like to pass my child to them over the deli meats and say, “Go ahead, hit him. Let’s see if it works.” And then I take a seat on the cold tile floor, lean over and let my forehead benefit from the temperature and wait it out. This accomplishes two things. I get a much needed break, and the offender in question gets embarrassed as they try to decide what to do with the kid presently sinking his teeth into their shoulder.
Eventually I sit up and tell them that I am tired, and not above leaving the store immediately—alone… and forever. Generally, at about that time, they think I’m crazier than the kid they’re holding and often look a little frightened as I stand up and begin to back away, waving to my son.
“Bye, honey. This nice man is gonna take you home. Have fun…”
Okay, so I don’t actually do this. But I really, really want to.
Usually I tell them that a little autism education might be in order, and say it in a way, because I am a writer and good with words, that makes them feel like the pile of dirt they are. Sometimes I top it off with a general observation about their attire, weight or lack of front teeth.
Okay, so I don’t do that either. Because I am the better person.
Really, do people think it’s helpful to the parent in question to make derisive comments at the same time their child is pulling down a display in the automotive section? I always want to ask, but at moments like those, I’m usually in a flop sweat, nursing a couple of painful bites, feel certain my heart is beating fast enough that a heart attack or stroke is imminent, and frankly, I’m really not in the mood. God help you if I’m on the rag, because then things are liable to get ugly.
So the next time you’re standing in line behind me as my child is wailing and pulling items off the impulse racks and you feel the need to tell the person at the other end of the line that you’re “…behind some woman who can’t control her kids…” you might want to take a few steps back.
“Jake? Did you like dinner last night? It was sautéed cockroaches and rat droppings. Mmmmmm. Wasn’t it good?”
It will happen pretty quickly and I’m not above using my own kid to prove a point.
Jeni Decker
author of “I Wish I Were Engulfed in Flames”
co-author of “Waiting for Karl Rove”
I'minyourcorner said:
Dear “Anonymous”,
Playing the victim, huh? I guess you are right in that parents of autistic children deserve no more empathy and compassion than everyone else. And that’s because everyone deserves empathy and compassion. However, it is clear that you are quite stingy on your doses of the two, per your (anonymous I might point out) post.
I believe Lisa was venting her feelings of frustration in a humorous and quite articulate way that seemed to resonate with thousands of other parents, grandparents, educators, and others. I don’t believe she sees herself as a “victim” but rather would love to be understood, and more importantly for her children to be understood. Sometimes when we are given difficult situations in life it is helpful to get our feelings out and move on. I am not a parent of children with autism, but thoroughly enjoyed reading this post and the correlating comments because it gave me much insight on the various ways parents of autistic children feel.
I have (stage IV) cancer and get tired of “oh, just be positive” comments. I know people mean well when they say it but they don’t understand that I am being positive, but also real at the same time. I let the comments roll off my back but when I speak with others in the same situation, we get a chuckle in swapping stories. It helps to know I’m not crazy for having these thoughts.
I can’t imagine how it must feel to be judged as a parent so frequently and publicly by family and strangers alike… This post is bringing awareness to those who may have sat in judgment before…and even those who have had good intentions but were insensitive nonetheless…in addition to being a venue for sharing. I would love if that show “What Would You Do” had an episode related to someone in public scolding a parent whose child is autistic only because it might help bring awareness to the issue. If there was only a way to do it carefully so that it didn’t hurt anyone involved….
Anonymous said:
Great post! You put in to words what I feel everyday. It felt good to read your post. Thank you.
Anonymous said:
This is nothing more than playing the victim. Everyone has a cross to bear. Parents of Austistic children deserve no more or less empathy and compassion than everyone else. The sooner you stop playing the “woe is my life” card, the sooner your outlook on life will improve.
Anonymous said:
you wanna know something? autistic children and their families are heroes with what they endure every day. you think its easy? obviously not by your callous response! nobody is “playing a victim” or “woe is my life”, this IS our life and we battle for our kids every fucking day! from insensitive asshats like you to educators even who don’t understand. autistic kids are SPECIAL and i am blessed with my son, even though i have frustrations, stress, insomnia etc that one person should not have to deal with. i am a maid, a short order cook, and a mother to 2 amazingly special different boys. i wouldn’t trade it for the world, but i will defend my kids to the morons of the world who think i am simply “a bad parent” when my son’s overstimulation turns into a meltdown where he must be removed from the situation physically. its not something my child can put into words neither can i. but i don’t need some jerk telling me i am a bad mother or to spank my kid, because that’s going to make it worse instead of better. there is no handbook or parenting class to prepare you for this. you take it as it comes, you learn with your child(ren) and you work to make sure that your child is raised right with an unorthodox method that people may or may not understand unless they’ve been there! don’t judge me or the other parents until you’ve walked a mile (or more) in our shoes!!!!
michelle2683 said:
Anonymous needs some Autism Awareness. We are not playing the victim card, we are trying to let people in a little on the amount of daily ongoing stresses we as mothers are going through and it’s just a warning out there for the ass who makes a nasty remark (you know the type, look in the mirror), that you may just be the straw that breaks the camels back and I would just say WATCH OUT! We were once pleasant, patient people but now we have so many struggles and hoops to jump through daily that our main goal is to have everyone SURVIVE through the day and just get through safely until tomorrow comes!
Aaronsmommy said:
I personally could care less if I get any compassion or empathy its my two year old son that deserves, he doesn’t deserve a nasty look, or to be judged, or to be told he deserves a good slapping, He deserves empathy and compassion, he works harder then half the adults in american and works longer hours then them too… so when we take him out to a a place he doesn’t deserved to be judged for being able to let loose and have a good time ❤ I love my son with autism ❤ I dont need empathy or sympathy for that I"m proud of him and everything he accomplishes every day
Julie Shapiro said:
wow really? let me tell you something mr or ms anonymous, at NO point have i ever cried “woe is me” or “i need compassion or empathy” due to either of my children! they frustrate me sure, they piss each other off but i will say this only once to an ignorant ASSHAT like you: I WOULD NOT CHANGE ONE BEAUTIFUL BONE IN MY KIDS’ BODIES! and yea if i had to go back and do it all again i sure the hell would and i wouldn’t change a damn thing either! what i wanted from day one that i realized before anyone else did that he was autistic was UNDERSTANDING and to LISTEN to me regarding MY SON and following through on what i was saying, not what they thought they observed and telling me i was wrong. i studied this in college, so i kind of have a pretty damn good idea of autism. i have a book that listed certain flags to know if your infant was autistic that i got 8 years too late and after reading those 10 flags, my son had experienced 9 of them!! i dropped the book i was in such shock! but no i wouldn’t change anything about either of my kids!! so why don’t you take a long walk off a long pier and quit judging us!!
Anonymess said:
LOVE this post. I have had people complain to me about my child…and once I had a good response. I said “I don’t like you either. I can’t stand people who complain all the time!”
KW said:
My kid is a pain in the ass, but he doesn’t have a mean bone in his body. Some mother whose son routinely tells mine that he sucks, that he’s a weirdo, etc, ragged on me because my son said “shit” at school when he tripped over. In my imagination, I had her in a headlock over an alligator pit.
Julie Shapiro said:
most kids on the norm do something to irritate us and all that but truth is as much as they annoy us stress us out and constantly have issues with friends or other kids, but we still love them. and yes kids can be cruel and it sucks that as mothers we not only have to kiss boo-boos on knees or elbows we also have to kiss the emotional boo-boos that insensitive people put forth on our children and at some point and level they understand and are hurt by it we have to fix it. unfortunately there are going to be people who don’t know but judge anyway, well there isn’t an alligator pit or rabid animals in a dark room to take care of them but yea it sure the hell is fun to imagine it!!! i salute you my dear for i do know where you are coming from!!!
allmykidshaveaspergers said:
Yes, extreme hypocrisy seems to be something a lot of parents with neurotypical kids excel at by ignoring their own kids behaviour and making a public address about ours. When they do things like what happened to your son @KW they step over a line, because if their child is already isolating your child with the kind of language your son is experiencing, then this is really a parent endorsing that behaviour. There are some parents who actually enjoy looking at strange behaviour in other kids and saying: that kid is weird, my child shouldn’t have to put up with it. I had a woman next door whose son would just stare at my son all the time, like ‘what are you’? At playgroup I would leave the room and she would yell at my son, I’d come back in, and she’d stop. He’d be doing nothing. One day her son and my son had a push and pull fight, she screamed at the top of her voice. I was in shock, in the same session my daughter walked over to babies on the floor, she was a gentle child, never did anything wrong but I went after her anyway. I let go of my 4yo boy to pick up my 1yo girl, and as I approached, the mothers of the babies turned their backs on me. I had to leave the playground then, I was literally shunned by several of the mothers. I still don’t know what happened. But that boy who stared…he was a prize bully, before it happened he deliberately ran my 1 yo daughter over, and I saw his face, cruelly and on purpose. Stupid me, I forgave him, but my kids end up being ostracised for nothing but an argument with this kid…that’s Asperger’s, you never quite understand why there is a social disconnect, but there is. Some of the ‘regular’ folk, sense and don’t like different people. These days I stay as far away from the regular folk as possible, unless they are the open to aspies kind…luckily we know many of these now.
Jill Sifinski Gibson said:
My oldest was diagnosed in October of 2010 with Asperger’s, he has social issues and SPD, I am all for teaching and showing compassion, however…When a grown ass adult verbally abuses my son calling him a f*cking retard that needs to be locked up two inches from his face, this is where I draw the line and will protect my son,, Jail did not happen and the person was evicted from the complex and her husbands commanding officer was notified. In the community I live in there are no resources and we travel 2 hours each way several times a month to get him the help he needs. I also hand out business type cards to any asshat who makes comments.
@sophierunning said:
Thank you thank you thank you.
And one from me, by my daughter’s school special needs co-ordinator – no less – who said, when phoning me to tell me that my girl had threatened with a toast knife the breakfast club bully who had been goading her for weeks: “well, she brings it on herself.”
Carrie said:
I have several friends with autistic children, and I have nothing but tremendous admiration and respect for the love they show their children. Those moms (and dads) take the concept of “unconditional love” to a completely new level. I comment each and every one of them.
ADHD mom said:
As the friend of a mom with a severely autistic kid I applaud all of you. The battles you fight are not easy, but the kids are worth it.
As a mom with ADHD of an ADD kid I sincerely apologize for all the hurtful things that have been said to you. The short circuit in our brains often leads us to say things we should not. Too often we operate on “ready, FIRE!… aim.” I have embarrassed myself more times than I can count, and I can never apologize enough. With an ADD son who has a lot of sensory sensitivities I can empathize on how hard it can be to have a child with a hidden disability.
I’ve learned from awful experience when I’ve been “educated” to try harder to be empathetic first. I still slip up every now and again.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t give all the fucktards like me their just desserts, I just hope that you will understand that maybe, just maybe, some of us fucktards are also retards, and are at our wits end too.
So let’s get in a good fight about what “awful” moms we are, (Yeah, ADD kids have lovely meltdowns quite often too, too loud, grab everything, say horrible things, climb things, jump on the furniture in public places, beat the kids around them up….)
And then let’s laugh it off and go get an ice cream. And watch our kids destroy the ice cream parlor. And yell at the other customers who can’t handle our kids. 😀
Mom to a precious son with down syndrome and autism said:
I don’t understand how you could think saying terms like “fucktards” and “retards” would EVER be acceptable. Much less on a blog talking about bringing awarness to the insensitivities people can have toward those with disabilities, and how it angers the parents who love them!
Yemaya Kimmel said:
I love this page and I just want to share it with everybody! It rings true for me even though my daughter, who is not autistic,had a stroke as a baby, does not walk, is cognitively handicapped as well (though luckily she is social though not potty trained at age 6), & has many crazy several hour long tantrums & stim issues. I would change the title from Autism to any Disabled Child. I am going through a Fed Up Phase (I also have 2 other children including a son who probably has Asberger’s but I am too busy dealing with my daughter’s disability & my 2 year old to be a good enough mom to put his too smart for his own good self through diagnostics & set his self esteem back furthur just to get a label, though more government money would be nice) Anyway, I have been trying to express exactly these issues to everyone around me especially the people who work with her & tell me all the things I am doing wrong & then collect their paycheck & go home to a good night’s sleep & whatever else their little hearts desire. HAH! You all know we are the true SUPERMOMS Just let them try & spend 1 day raising our children. They couldn’t do half what we do b/c we were the ones chosen to accomplish the impossible, not them! They would crawl back grovelling & begging for our forgiveness for their arrogant behavior!!!
petetheplanner said:
Excellent perspective and great writing. Thank you!
Auntie M said:
As the aunt of an autistic child, I’m looking from the outside in. His parents pushed us out and away. I was told that I just don’t understand. Yes, that’s probably right. However, before shoving me away, teach me–give me a chance to learn.
allmykidshaveaspergers said:
Sometimes parents just don’t have time or energy to do that, they are worn down. It is a long road, and you just want support without the complications from someone. It always hurts more when disapproval or judgement comes from a family member…I don’t know if that’s what happened with you, but maybe you could approach and ask to be included. If a family member approached me in that way I’d be happy that they cared enough to try and make a connection. Practical help is also a quick way to my heart. Help with the things you can, when you can, and remember all parents are time poor, but autism parents are off the charts time poor, they may not have the time or energy to think about the situation. Good luck, Auntie M. 😉
Anon said:
In my experience, sometimes the family (I’m not saying you have done this, it’s just my experience) tends to make less than helpful comments regarding the child and diagnosis. I’ve heard it all. “It’s probably because you’ve stayed home with her. It’s probably because she didn’t go to daycare. It’s probably just a speech delay.” And my favorite, when you point out autistic behavior “Well ALL children do that.” After awhile it grates on you, not because you don’t want family support, but because it undermines all the hard work you’re putting into trying to help your child. Sometimes in the beginning it’s all just too much. I think it’s normal for the walls to come up. It’s a protective instinct that never stops, you don’t want anyone, even family, even looking at your child the wrong way. I know it sounds hurtful but it’s not meant to be. And it’s really wonderful that you want to take an interest. You should do some research on your own and open a dialogue. That honestly goes a long way.
Anonymous said:
@Anon: well said! I always hated hearing “She’ll be fine. My (typical-ish) kid didn’t talk until he was x years old.” (Don’t get that much anymore now that DD is 7 and still nonverbal.)
And @AuntieM: you’re reading blogs like this one and interested in learning. So wonderful. Be patient. Sometimes you might even be doing all the right things but she isn’t ready for your help yet. Being supportive but not preachy or burdensome can be a hard role to nail when Mom is feeling all those emotions described so colorfully and accurately in this blog post. The journey is bumpy, unpredictable and long. Most parents don’t want to be abandoned on the journey, but don’t have the time/energy/awareness to even know what they want from family members. I think a steady, supportive, patient presence is key – no guilt trips allowed! (Check out my blog – My Whac-A-Mole Life (www.whac-a-mole-life.com)
Andrea said:
Despite the veracity of all of the top 5 reasons not to mess with an autism mom listed above, I would not change one tiny hair on my autistic child’s body. He is perfect in his very imperfection. I have been through the bloody face as my son kicked me repeatedly because I wouldn’t let him spend yet another hour playing with the plastic lawn mower at the department store. I have dealt with being awakened 5 times every night to change urine-soaked child and bed, and doing this until he was 10 years old. I have been through the OT, PT, Speech, E-Stim therapies, along with the psychiatrists, psychologists, and IEP teams at 4 different schools, 3 of which tossed him out on his ear when he continued to bite, kick and pee on the other kids. I have been through the medication carousel, the short-bus stigma, and the glares of disapproval from idiots who probably shouldn’t venture out in public with their gross inability to handle anyone different from their perception of acceptable. And at the end of every exhausting, frustrating, day, I would empty the contents of his picture schedule envelope and see all the tiny little accomplishments we made that day, and think…I am the best freaking mother in the world!! Because I live my life to help make sure he has one, and at the end of the day, after all the hurdles, disappointments, injuries, and fecal stains on the carpet, I have an entire envelope of SUCCESSES that I can hold in my hand and say “look at all of these amazing accomplishments my son achieved today!!!!”. He’s 14 now. Mainstreamed. Talking. Able to function acceptably in public and private. And despite occasional rants or tantrums, all that work I did with him when he was little resulted in a young man who will, ultimately, be able to live his life independently and on his own terms. And THAT makes all those dumb comments, evil glares, and ridiculous accusations fade away into oblivion. Our kids are amazing, not for what they don’t do, but for the incredible things they DO, every day. 🙂
allmykidshaveaspergers said:
That is an amazing story you have, Andrea. I know what you mean, and it would be incredible to have come through like you have. I think when you are in the middle of the hard, constant stuff, though, it is plain exhausting, and it is hard to see an end in sight, and for some that end will not come, they will be stuck with worrying forever, and high care needs forever. We are at the high functioning end, but even the occasional public display that causes disapproval in others is too much for me, because it is one thing to deal with your child, another to deal with people you don’t know and their reactions. Like I said, I have not had many occasions in public, but those few have been enough, and the threat of them happening was enough to make me dread school picnics, concerts, any unregulated social activity, etc., because you die a social death. I will never forget that feeling of never being able to relax. It is very true that the things our kids do that are amazing are ours alone to celebrate, which is why it is lovely to have other mums and dads who understand how miraculous the little things are, or even the big things. My son was put through school early, and none of my regular friends would even acknowledge or talk about it, anything Asperger’s they can’t respond to…you are left with being forced to the autism community for the good and bad…
Aaronsmommy said:
and seriously not being able to talk, or make friends, or learn easy daily life activites thats a major issue what is it to you steve a joke? cause its pretty serious to me…
Steve said:
I have never seen such a large collection of mothers who confess to wanting to use violence against other human beings, even those people that do not threaten violence seem to fully support the original articles intent of ‘snapping’ at strangers. I suggest you need social workers not doctors. Yes its hard, yes you have a child with a disability, yes we understand that some people might not get it, yes yes yes, but seriously? get over it? Some people are dealing with children that have terminal illnesses, serious debilitating sickness or major mental problems, that does not belittle your situation but it does highlight there is always someone worse off than you, always.
Anon said:
Thank you for further illustrating why autism parents need articles like this Steve.
trishasmom said:
steve,
As far as what other people are dealing with we do empathize with anyone dealing with any kind of disability and our coming together on this group to express our feelings is therapeutic and shows the strength we parents have to find a way to vent our frustrations.
Aaronsmommy said:
Its not about the autism its the nasty ass comments people say to you… You say its awful someone wants to smack a lady cuz they tell you your a bad mother and you need to take a belt to your child… People have the right to take there child out in public ad not get snares and nasty comments, or even threats… I have never wanted to harm ne one physically but I have told a few people that they will smell bad when they finally get there head out of there ass.. My son deserves to go out in public and not be judged just like any other individual… to be extremely exhausted, stressed out, having random people in and out of your house, and worrying about your childs future after your gone cause he may not be able to care for himself, is enough for me to handle, I don’t need people telling me my son is acting up…
Julia Bond said:
Steve, havn’t you ever WANTED to use violence against someone. Have you ever yelled abuse at a stranger in traffic even though they can’t hear you?. Have you ever had to clench your fists and jaw because an insensitive person has made an idiotic comment about a member of your family. I’m assuming you’re human and so I’m also assuming the answer to at least one of these questions is yes. Just because you WANT to do something doesn’t mean you will. That, in fact, is one of the things that we mums of autistic kids struggle every day to teach our kids who have probs with impulse control. It is the insensitive busy bodies of this world who know NOTHING about the situation they are comenting on that require social instrustion.
allmykidshaveaspergers said:
Dear Steve,
Thanks for not understanding anything on this post, thanks for not understanding that this post is not for you. Thanks for not understanding that many of the women here with children with autism ARE dealing with what is a serious illness, in the eyes of society, they can’t do basic things or go anywhere without attracting disapproval or bad attention. THAT IS THE POINT OF THIS BLOG. I have children with Asperger’s, this is a cakewalk at this point in my life now that they are older. There are people on this blog whose children have autism and intellectual disability, and some who have SERIOUS MEDICAL ISSUES AS WELL. Dear Steve…stop judging us, don’t tell us how good we have it, you have it better than others on this blog, as evidenced by what you wrote. You are judging those who are judged, and doing it in their own space, when so many other spaces are denied these women and their children. Please take your inabiltiy to understand what autism does to the mums, children, and emotional state of people away; we fight every day to give our kids access to basics, and we are sick of fighting, mostly with people like you who discriminate against us. As a mother who has not been able to work because of care needs that are not taken care of by the state, I consider you a lucky man indeed to leave this blog with only this kind of explanation by myself. You sound like a man who has a job and a life. Please stay away from others whose whole life is bringing up their special needs children.
Julie Shapiro said:
oh steve really? really? like you are so perfect in your little world that you’ve never been stressed out enough to “snap” at someone for some reason? we aren’t saying we are better off or deserve more empathy or sympathy than the examples you brought forth. but since you seem to think we have a lighter load, sir you are mistaken! not one of us would change a single solitary thing about our lives or our children! we accept the stresses and insomnia and meltdowns and such and there are times when we need an outlet to vent out our stresses because maybe our family has cut us out or won’t give us support, so we go to people who may be strangers but can relate to us and will listen to us and give advice. sometimes we have to defend our children’s actions to someone who seems to think a swift swat on the ass is what is needed. or a lecture of how if they were the parent they’d handle it differently than we were. you don’t think we like being judged for a sensory overload turned meltdown that could shatter glass by screams? come on dude get a clue before you post such insensitive shit. autistic children are unique individuals who may or may not present the same as another autistic kids…some parents deal with daily struggles, meltdowns and no sleep for days on end and other parents who get an occasional meltdown and everyone in the house sleeps like rocks for 8-9 hours at a time. autism is a spectrum and different children present different areas of the spectrum, from low end nonverbal to high end high functioning, which is Asperger’s Syndrome. but there are autistic tendencies from the spectrum that come out and present differently which each child. the sooner you can realize that what may look like a “temper tantrum” in a normal child is a meltdown for an autistic child is the sooner you might get a clue!! but then again , like “sympatheticnotstupid”, that may never happen since you seem to think you are smarter than us and know our children. as far as i am concerned you are one of many insensitive asshats who wouldn’t try to understand! go read some of my posts. that’s all we want is understanding, not judging!
Whacamole Mom said:
Just glad to have some official documentation to explain my uncharacteristic (but increasing in frequency) tendencies of glaring at, lecturing and yelling at strangers for THEIR bad behavior.
Thank you for sharing this! I’d so love if you also would check out my newly launched blog – My Whac-a-mole Life. Coincidentally, my first story has a similar theme:
TOP 10 THINGS NOT TO SAY TO MOMS OF CHILDREN WITH SPECIAL NEEDS ….and what I’m really thinking when you do!
http://www.Whac-a-mole-life.com
Karen Poellnitz said:
Thank you. That’s all I can say.
Ashley said:
Alright! I’m back to tell you that you people have inspired me! I thought we autism moms could use an anthem so here’s my humble attempt in the form of a laughably drawn music video!
ANTHEM OF SNARKINESS:
http://stinkerbaby.blogspot.com/2011/10/anthem-of-snarkiness.html
Anon said:
I have to make the conscious effort every single day of my life to keep a POSITIVE, happy attitude any time I’m with my daughter. Sometimes, if I need to scream or cry, I go hide in the walk-in closet with my pillow and just let it go. None of my friends can relate to it, my family is in denial about the diagnosis, school is dragging to get her admitted (been struggling to get her in for 4 months now), SSI is going to take 5 months on a decision… it never ends. I have no choice but to be happy for her. If I’m not, my world will become her world, and I can’t let that happen. Every time I smile in the face of someone glaring at me, I win. Every time I choose a trip to the park and show my daughter how to calmly introduce herself to people instead of covering her head with her hands and screaming, I win. Every time I get on the phone with SSI/School/Insurance/Doctors to fight for what we need, let them know “No actually that is NOT good enough” and get another treatment underway, I win. I remind myself that mothers and fathers who devote themselves to this are tough as nails, and while we didn’t sign up for this, we accept the job because only the strongest can. THANK YOU autism moms and dads! Our kids will thank us someday too.
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Whacamole Mom said:
Bravo, soul sister! I’d so love for you to read my similar rant here. Just launching my blog and coincidentally started with this concept! Good to know an army of pissed off moms have each others’ backs!
http://Www.whac-a-mole-life.com
Laurel's Reflections said:
Brilliant article! My sister has an autistic 4-year-old and has shared a few stories of insensitive people (such as this one: http://jolforjames.wordpress.com/2011/08/22/dealing-with-the-public/ ) that just made me want to be there to protect them both. It’s great that you’ve balanced honesty with humour so well. Being a mom is tough; being an autism mom it soooooooo much harder – I salute you all!
jrbond said:
I laughed and I cried. All too true. My first run-in after diagnosis was with a 90 yo g’g’grandmother (stranger) in a supermarket who told me my kid (4 at the time) needed a good smavk. I wanted to tell her SHE needed a good smack but 90?! Her Daughter hustled her away real quick when she saw the look on my face. I put my son in the trolley and proceeded to saing to the piped music at the top of my lungs and dance like a crazy to calm him down. Either way I look like a crazy person so might as well be happy happy crazy.
Anonymous said:
What a gem! Thank you. I am hanging it up on the refrigerator for all to see. I almost want to bring it to my next IEP meeting, ha, ha!!!! Bookmarking this site. It looks wonderful!
Eileen – mom to Josef (5, PDD-NOS) and Gina (2, NT)
loudouncountymommy said:
I totally pink puffy heart y’all.
I have a feeling we will get along just fine. 😉
(http://theinvisibledisability.com)
Marc said:
I just want so say that as an “outsider” I salute all autism moms for their courage, strength, generosity, patience and kick-ass spirit.
This was a great read.
Laura May said:
I used to take my four-year old autistic son to a little shop where he could have some yogurt and biscuits between kindergarten and therapy sessions. One day he heard the beep of a microwave oven (one of his favourite sounds) and went to the other side of the counter to have a look. I asked him to come back and immediately stood up to go and get him. I had only taken the first step towards him when I heard him scream and then saw him come to me crying and rubbing his bottom. What had happened? Practically in front of me, the owner of the shop had hit him. I felt so bad I thought I would faint and almost started crying. I pulled myself together, though, and asked the man why he’d done that. He just said I had to take care of my son if I didn’t want that to happen (I must say we’d been going to that shop for months, twice a week, so he did not ignore that my son is special) . I was with a friend, so I asked her to take my kid outside and wait for me there. In those few seconds I thought it was no use insulting him and that it was better just to explain why my kid had not obeyed the first time I asked him to return from behind the counter. The man apologised, but I’d be lying if I said that made me feel any better.
Anonymous said:
hello i am a mom of an autistic o year old i find it disrespectful when u taake ur child to church one sunday morning and one of the perishoners said something about how my child was behaving. me and my sister both jumped up and was ready to give that lady a pieece of our minds i find it easier just to jump in somebody face if they attackin a child who cant defend herself. needless to say that lady got scared and we had no roblems out of her for the rest of thats day
crystal said:
I would like to say to sympathetic not stupid that your screen name should be the other way around. You obviously don’t have children or you would know what we are all talking about…. If you would like to give your opinion you should post it on a page for people that are uneducated on the topic of autism…i’m sure there is a page out there….to the person that wrote this……I absolutely love this….I laughed almost the whole way through:)
Heather E. said:
Hi Lisa,
Well said!
I am actually enrolled in a class for the Exceptional Person & advocating for children with disabilities.
Is there anyway you could email you article/blog post so I could share your thoughts with my professor?
I know Donna would love them.
Heather
Lisa said:
Hey Heather,
Feel free to copy it or direct them to http://www.laughingthroughtears.com . I would love to hear the reactions…
Lisa
Scott Holtan said:
Father of two beautiful Autistic sons: I carry a card in my wallet that describes Autism and hand to any I see staring at my boys, especially during a tantrum. I believe it is all about Autism Awareness. Educate people instead of berating them for their insensitivity and ignorance. My 10 yo is nonverbal and 11 yo not much better. We celebrate the little things. Dreams of teaching them baseball have been replaced with how to wipe your butt on the toilet. My wife is smarter than I am in dealing with the boys, and she has to educate me first! I try hard but it is never enough. My boys deserve more than I can give. I have always wanted to be a father so that I could try to be a Dad. God laughed and gave me two Autistic sons to make me work hard for that title. I still have a lot to learn. We still go to church every Sunday and sit in the front row. Thank God we have a supportive congregation. My wife is a stay at home Mom and works harder than anyone else I know. Bless all the Moms and Dads that deal with their Autistic children every day. AMEN!
Julie Shapiro said:
@ harrison’s mommy….OMG you too? i am in the US, New York State to be exact, and i am scared every time i have to take my Aspie son with me to the store, because i am always afraid that some clueless asshat is going to follow me to my car take my plate number and turn me in that way for having to drag my son out of the store….see i don’t deal with the meltdowns in public, we go to the car…then if he’s going to start flailing, he can’t hurt himself and if the meltdown continues i take him away from the root of it, lol in other words we leave! i’ve left full carts of food and household necessities right in an aisle and left….i’ve already been turned in for stupid crap and even got arrested for him wandering off on me, which even though i did leave for a couple hours, he was with a friend who had no way to contact me at the time! i can now not work with special needs kids in any way due to that arrest bc my “friend” wouldn’t stand up for me in court and tell them she had my son for those few hours, and now my dream is shattered thanks to nosey idiotic asshats who thought they were better than me and smarter than me about my son
Julie Shapiro said:
one day my sister and i went to wal-mart superstore, grocery and department store in one…i had already used repetition to explain to my 10 yr old autistic son what we were getting. of course the stim overload started quietly as the sights smells and sounds overtook him. by the time we caught up to him at the toy aisle he had his arms full of 3 toys he desperately wanted. he’d been told no already numerous times by me and my sister. he started screaming. he was firmly told no and to put it back. people are staring by this time, some shaking their heads as they walked by. i knew i had lost him in the meltdown so i stalked away, saying i’m done i’m leaving lets go NOW! some woman made a comment that was rude and i didn’t hear it but my sister did. holy snap my sister defended both myself and my son to that woman, and loudly too since she had to be heard over my son’s screaming and growling fit!! don’t remember what she said but a lotta people gave me more sympathetic looks as they went by instead of stares and glares that said discipline your child, control your child ETC
Terry Steele said:
From a Grandma,
All I can say is that I am in all of your corners. I cannot even begin to imagine what you must struggle with from day to day. I am trying to learn all I can about autism, SPD–which my grandson has along with ADHD. I also have a friend at our church who has a child with Sensory Preception Disorder. I have seen so many people be so uncaring and rude–it breaks my heart. I sure let people know that it is not bad parenting. Keep up the good work on this site.
MummaBear said:
Loved it. Not only do i have 1 child with Autism, i have 3.!!!! And you bet your arse i am angry. Furious in fact. I just would love one day of normal.
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Aaronsmommy said:
My biggest annoyance is when my own mother makes me rush out of a place when my 2 year old autistic son acts up, she doesn’t even give me a chance to calm him down… Not to mention she blames it all on me… Like I don’t already do that, I really need her to sit there and tell me.
Julie said:
Loved this…made me LOL. I forget that there are others out there who have similar experiences. Once I noticed a mom and her two kids. One pitched a major fit…people were staring and giving their “helpful” advice. I walked up to her and told her I get it, I live it too. Then I asked her what I could do to help her. I ended up sitting with the sibling while she continued to defuse her other child.
autismreads said:
Familiar country . . . Hdsa, bless her, asks how to help! Lots of people have reached out to my boy-sometimes when he wasn’t even upset, and just talked to him or given him something. When I see an upset child I try to implement the parent’s agenda if I can (Wow! Did you ever see a shinier elevator? Are you going in there with Mommy? Lucky you!) or just smile in what I hope is a sympathetic and an encouraging way. Thanks for the incredible creativity and warmth in these posts. I’ll never think of jail the same way again.
Anonymous said:
My son is 19, so we’ve been dealing with this a long time. Well before it became mainstream. We’ve been threatened with police intervention at a mall because he was having a meltdown, and have had many people put in their “two cents” on how they would handle it. (usually meaning a swift swat to the butt) My answer was always the same. “That’s why God gave him to me and not you! My son has autism…are you a qualified Dr. or therapist? If not, mind you business.”
Linda Roberts Horsman said:
We all of us have had those moments, generally in the grocery store, wherein some idjit feels it necessary to inject themselves into our lives with no desire other than to become a huge PITA. I know I have had them, but I forget them quickly, like water off a duck’s back. The ones that do stick with me were the caring women who put a hand on my arm, looked me in the eye and said, “You’re doing a great job–you’re a good mom.” I figure that is God’s blessing for me: the ability to remember the angels and forget the asshats.
LettersHead said:
I went prematurely gray in my 30s – you can decide for yourself whether it was the diagnosis that did it – and when I stopped coloring my hair I found that people were much more apt to give me and my nutty kid plenty fo space. There’s nothing like a gray haired woman glowering at you her over glasses to deliver the message to back the fuck off.
Michelle Larcom said:
Not a mom but someone who works with Autistic children. People need to step back and worry about their perfect lives and not the lives of others. They can be the most compassionate kids one will ever meet. And Who Doesn’t have a bad day?! Think about it.
leah carter said:
When my son was younger and we still took him out n public I would have autism t shirts made up for him and myself stating yes I have autism what’s ur problem for him and then my shirts would say something along the lines of yes ny son yes my son gas autism questions accepted parenting advice is not go take care of ur own kid hehe. Had quite a few either letting me know they liked them or actually stop and ask questions to get more knowledge.
Amy said:
I told the principal that I hoped he had nightmares about all the children’s lives he screwed up for being so GD clueless–This after spending 2 years saying that my husband and I were unsupportive of the school (ie bad parents) and then actually having the nerve to ask me one day why I am so angry with him and the school. . .
Harrison's Mummy said:
Ahhhh…I feel a sudden kinship with you folk here. My Mr 5 has ADD, is also being tested for ODD and is also on the Autism spectrum somewhere in there too. I have had people I considered family report me to CYFs (the NZ equivalent to DOCS in Aussie, or Child Protection Services in the US) as they had no freakin idea, or cared, that my little guy actually had something going on – they just pointed the finger at me and told me that ‘we just don’t think you are handling the kids very well’. Not that they offered to get their hands dirty themselves….not that I would let them near my kids with a 10 foot barge pole now either. No-one is immune from idiots – whether it be family, friends or complete strangers. I have a tendency to do a scan-type thing when we are out, visually searching for those who look at us sideways or throw me a dirty look when Mr 5 turns nuclear. Pays to have a few quick comebacks at the ready too (I usually wouldn’t stoop to doing this but if they say something then I’m not giving them the upper hand, no sirree) – my fave that I have used ‘Yes, he may lack self control, he does have good moments, but you will always be a self righteous douchebag’ – works well for me.
Anonymous said:
bless your fucking heart. i needed this tonight.
Kai said:
I love it. I don’t have an autistic child but this could very well apply to any mom. I tell people that I used to be the mom that talked about the unruly child in the store until I had my third child, an unruly child in the store. I understand from the inside now and when I see the mother or father struggling with their child, I smile a “I know your pain” and a “breathe” smile.
Anonymous said:
I can’t even IMAGINE what parents of autistic children experience!! I just know that I am in awe of you all!! You have been blessed with the most amazing of challenges, all autistic kids I have encountered have had that “special something”, and thier parents are INCREDIBLE!!!! That being said, in Australia we have a word that says it all, without crossing the “tard” line, next time someone has anything to say about you or your beautiful children, just flash them a smile and respond with, “Thanks FUCKWIT, I needed to hear something stupid, it makes my child seem soooo advanced”!!!!! LOL…don’t people realize that when they exhibit such ignorance, to everyone else around, they come across as more “challenged” than the child!!!!
Debbie Bell said:
I am a Mum of a teenage aspergers’ son living in Australia. Things have always been different for us and in all truth I am so over having to explain that my son’s behaviour is not from bad parenting, nor from an feral child acting up in public. Over the last few years it has been easier to say Aspergers’ as there is a little more information out there. Still I calmly try to give them a brief answer and some education. How many times have I been in the emergency dept waiting for treatment for a broken hand (holes in walls are a common thing). No my child was not a fussy eater (he didn’t eat most things because of the mouth feel), yes he did sniff the cutlery and crockery and if there was a hint of a smell he would not eat and now years later he still won’t eat anything on a plate but rather put it between two slices of bread.. he stims his foot when he gets upset. But he also has an amazing and bewildering knowledge of warfare and weapons (he can tell you about every weapon ever made from the first rock that was picked up and thrown to the future of technology). Yes he is my own GPS him take somewhere once and he can give you exact directions including the number of roundabouts, the names of intersections that we need to cross. No he can’t get along in public, there are too many stimuli that he needs to decipher. Hey it’s hard for him to explain what it is he feels, and it’s hard for me to connect with him when he is in meltdown (years of practice and it is a little easier). Yes I sleep deprived, and support deprived (single mum), and yes people tell me we are given these kids because we can see the blessings and we are strong enough to cope. But when push comes to shove IT IS HARD TO RAISE AN AUTISTIC CHILD. But I wouldn’t have it any other way.
allmykidshaveaspergers said:
Hey Debbie, I agree with you completely. I’m also in Australia, with a teen son with Asperger’s. Which city are you in? I’m trying to get a social group together for my son, he’s nearly 16.
Lee Ann said:
Any parent of a child with a disability can tell this same story. We all have had to fight for our kids their entire lives.
What I’d like to ask of you and others here is to remember Person First Language. Don’t define your child or yourself by your disability. The world of people with disabilities has fought for years, and is continuing to fight, to ensure a person is valued by what they bring to this world, not what their disability is.
Unfortunately, the biggest group of people I see defining themselves and their children by their disability is those with Autism. You are mothers and fathers first, not Autism Mothers and fathers. Your children are your children first, please stop defining their existence by the fact that the have autism. You are amazing parents with children with autism.
Please help educate others that we are all People First.
Erin Morrissey Olander said:
Lee Ann, are you a parent of a child with autism?
Of course we are all parents first and our children are children first, but being an Autism Parent is not about intentionally setting ourselves apart, it is about embracing the fact that we are already set apart. We are not defining our childrens’ existence by the fact that they have autism, autism is shaping their existence and we are embracing that.
Those of us who choose to define ourselves as Autism Parents do so because we need to connect with other parents who get it, with other families who are fighting for the world to see the incredible value in our children, with others who can accept and love and embrace our children for who they are, and we find strength in eachother – things that we do not regularly find in the general population of People. So you see, by coming together as a community we ARE seeing eachother as people first, seeing our kids as children first, and we are seeing ourselves and eachother as the amazing parents we are.
The asshats of the world can suck it.
Anonymous said:
Hdsa, I have always given a sympathetic Mom or Dad a look and stating, “Hang in there Mom or Dad, this too shall pass.” I have always appreciated when people are emphathetic. Once while standing in a long line at a Sam’s club, my son age six at the time was winding up for a real meltdown. A manager pulled us out of the line and rang our purchases at the Jewelry counter. While I am assertive to educate, I also thanked and called about the much appreciated service to the district manager as well. We need angels like this in the world.
Anonymous said:
for my niece shannon
Anonymous said:
Good autism Mom, bad Autism Mom? We aren’t either. I have my moments when I feel terribly alone. I have had friends at times say things that have hurt and minimized what I go through. They will never know. We can only support and love each other. The love of my aspies keeps me supercharged. They are very special. Today I a m 48 and I am too old to worry what people think, or care if they judge me. Does that mean I don’t care or that it doesn’t hurt? No, it just means that I have become wise to where to place my energy and efforts. I sleep better and I function better for my kids when I practice the grieving process. I have done this many times and I am sure I will do it many more. Taking the high road in reaction to behavior isn’t easy but I have been practicing it more because I surely don’t need anymore drama or stress than I already have. They can keep it!
Do any of you have adult children with Asperger’s or Autism?
Sally
Carol Villars said:
Sally, I have a 19 year old daughter who has Down syndrome, Autism, sensory issues and hearing impaired. You can imagine we’ve just about heard everything in the book over the years but I think the one that will always stand out in my mind was when she wasn’t but a few weeks old when some lady stopped us on the sidewalk to “see” the baby and then had the nerve to say oh isn’t it a shame she won’t be pretty and grow up to get married. I was too dumbfounded at that time to have a good come back. I do think there are times that educating does not work or penetrate because people will only listen if they want to. When I meet people that you can see are curious but not sure how to approach I welcome them and ask if they have any questions and to those who make rude comments, I just tell the like it is and yes it may only make me feel better for a short while but that’s ok I’ll take it and no I don’t feel guilty afterwards. That’s my child and I will stand up for her any time, that’s what this mom does. It’s my job but it’s more than that, it’s an honor.
Hdsa said:
I used to take care of a little boy with autism and I know a few other families now with children who have been diagnosed with autism. I have a question, though…what is it that I could say to you mums (and dads) to encourage you when I see you in public and your child is throwing a fit if I don’t know you personally? I don’t want to simply see you and walk by, leaving you to the staredowns and remarks of those who are ignorant. I wish I could give you all something to help.
Katrena said:
For me personally it would be something like “it looks like you are having a tough time….is there something I could do to help you??”. Or maybe just something along the lines of “I just wanted to say that I am sorry you are having a tough time. These kids are amazing but I’m sure (like any child) they can be a struggle at times (or even switch it up with some days are worse than others)” and then see if the parent would like any assistance. Please don’t take offense if I am snappy though as it truly isn’t directed at those genuinely offering support it’s just sometimes I am mere breaths away from sitting in the floor with my child and crying like a baby and it takes the anger for me to hold that at bay. I do have the assistance of my parents to some degree but mostly I am a single parent and battling the good days and bad days on my own.
Aaronsmommy said:
HI Katrena, I know exactly how that feels, and I’d be lying if I said I haven’t had days where my sons tantrums have made me cry. When your child can’t tell you whats wrong it breaks your heart… I feel so helpless sometimes…
Anonymous said:
This is AWESOME!!! I need a snappy come back for people who gauk at my child, like mouth open staring in AWE so much that they can’t even look away, they pass us and yet their heads are still turned around and staring at my child. Man that ticks me off – especially after a week long sleep strike!
Lisa p said:
I hate the fact that drug addicts have no problems getting diability money and parents of children with autism have to jump through hoops , take them to doctors and psychiatrists when they can’t stay safe in their own backyard to prove they have a disability. I am not a parent of a child with autism , I am an educator of children with autism
Bernice M. Olivas said:
Lol… Thanks for the great post. I needed it. I’m currently fighting an eviction notice due to noise complaints from the downstairs neighbor. We’ve been here over a year without any issues but this guy moves in and two months later we’re being evicted!!! He works at 5am so any noise after 6pm is HUGE problem, but he likes to sleep in on the weekends and here in Nebraska we have a noise law that is effect 24/7 instead of just after 9pm or 10pm so I have the cops at my door all the time and our apartment management isn’t particularly sympathetic…. so yeah… needed a good laugh this week! 😛
Katrena said:
I’m not sure how you can’t fight this under the Americans with disabilities act. If you were having parties and blasting stereos at all hours or domestic violence type screaming and yelling constantly I might could see how that would violate a noise ordinance but the noises of a disabled child can not be controlled and he is entitled to a safe and secure place to live with accomodations for his needs whether that be handicap accessibility or whatever. God bless you and good luck in this battle. I will keep you guys in my prayers. Also if you opt to battle this one I would definitely bring up how traumatic it is for our kids to have to deal with sudden and dramatic changes.
Bernice M. Olivas said:
I’m going to go see a lawyer tomorrow but right now I am focusing on getting my kids out of this situation and into a better place. I’ll fight if I have to but I’m hoping the apartment management will work with us and find s solution that isn’t eviction. So far I’ve managed to keep it together but some days if feels like I’m hanging by a thread. This blog has turned into a bit of a lifeline… some days I forget that I’m not alone in this.
Gingerheaddad said:
I have had exactly one person comment on my son’s behaviour. Actually, it was about his babbling and it seemed more like the person was trying to understand what he was saying and trying to find a light way of broaching the subject. The approach fell a little flat.
More often, I get looks and almost always at the grocery store in the checkout line. Daniel sometimes wants to do something other than wait patiently at the checkout and that means it takes longer for us to get through. Which means it makes people have to wait longer. I had no idea how upset people can get in the checkout line. It must that they feel the best before date on their milk is like an order and they don’t want to waste a second before starting to use it.
The most common response I get is people being better than I would expect. I get lots of questions and offers to help. Maybe it’s because I am just another incompetent dad. My favourite discussion was the time a woman said that Daniel must be touched by God. She was clearly more religious than I, but it is the most perfect thing to say.
Clare said:
I usually ask “Does my daughter have a tv on her head? No? So why are you watching her like a pervert watching porn then? Usually they look away very red and ashamed faced or my favourite one is “Why don’t you take a picture it lasts longer, here let me do it for you on your mobile”
Again this usually gets red faced numbnuts walking away ashamed and wishing they didn’t take on that lady who can go from calm to fire breathing dragon in 0.5 seconds x
Liz Becker said:
This was a much needed public service announcement! I couldn’t agree with you more and had smiled through the entire article. Excellent!!!!!!! Thanks for making my day!
Elissa Rachel Fitzpatrick said:
when my son had just learned to ride his 2 wheeler i took him to the park to ride his bike. i was the only mom there . The others were just loud teens hanging out playing basketball. My son was so happy- riding and making some noises. and i watched in horrer as he rode past one of the teens and they flicked there cigerette at him. My son didnt even notice – thank goodness, I was afraid to say anything since i was alone. But the rage has been locked up inside me eversince. I quickly left the park.
Anonymous said:
This is awesome! Pretty much said everything I feel every second of the day—however—I try to have some understanding/empathy for the ignoramuses out there in the world that see my 5 year old having a tantrum befitting a toddler. I don’t understand WHY—-how are people who don’t have to deal with autism in the slightest amount supposed to understand WHY? That being said—if someone were to make a rude comment, look, whatever, I will look them straight in the eye and say—my son is autistic, he has no concept that what he is doing is socially unacceptable, he is trying to communicate in the best way he knows how.
WHY should everyone in the world be understanding that my kid is autistic? I don’t understand or condone every single thing I see in the world. I am the mother of 6 children. My second child (he’s 22 now) had so many behavioral issues that he had to be removed from the home for a while. Looking back at it now—he is probably is on the spectrum somewhere. My 5th child is ADHD. My 6th child is autistic and ADHD. I have had 3 children with no developmental disabilities and I have had 3 with and you know what—I wish the 3 with would have been as lucky as the other 3 to be born without their disabilities That being said—I do love my children for who they are—autism and other stuff included.
I am angry, but I don’t blame it on God—I blame it on man. I believe that the peak in autism rates over the last 20+ years is directly due to vaccinations and the crap our foods are loaded with—I don’t believe the government and the pharmaceutical companies when they say our foods and drugs are safe—the proof is out there, 1 in 100 kids are diagnosed with autism. You bet your ass I’m angry about that.
I am angry that my insurance doesn’t cover crap when it comes to autism. My child goes without because we can’t afford the care he needs.
I am sad that my other kids have had to miss out on stuff because it’s just too difficult to take the youngest out. When we try, it nearly always becomes a battle situation, to get him to stay with us, to get him to NOT have these major fits in the middle of anywhere, to get him to get into the car to head home and so on. It just doesn’t work, so we sit at home. I can’t take him to friends’ or families homes—I could, but I’d never have a second to relax and it’s just not worth it.
I am NOT angry at the people of the world who don’t understand why my son is doing what he is doing. I don’t blame them not being able to comprehend why this big kid is having fits. My son doesn’t wear a sign that says I AM AUTISTIC. He looks the same as any other 5 year old kid out there, except when he is hitting things or screaming or throwing himself on the ground or running full speed through Walmart. Why should people automatically understand—this absolutely wouldn’t be acceptable behavior for a child who wasn’t developmentally disabled. If I saw a child that I knew had no developmental issues acting as my child does, I would think that child is spoiled and out of control. I think that we, as parents of autistic children, need to have some understanding for the people out there who don’t know—don’t comprehend—don’t understand what it is that we and our children go through. THAT is the best way to handle people—because people will be more open to learning about Autism if we aren’t on the defensive and ready to knock out the first person to say something insensitively. I believe most people mean well, or they are just completely flabbergasted over what hey are seeing. I’M FLABBERGASTED having to deal with it! so ease up on the general populace, how the hell are they supposed to understand?
The above does NOT apply to the idiots out there who are just plain mean. I don’t give a rat’s ass if they understand or not, if they are just mean people then they deserve to get a scream in the face. WE need to be able to discern between who is and who isn’t—and that means not being SO on the defensive.
Dana k said:
My son is 13 with PDD-NOS & Bi- Polar. A friend posted this on Facebook & I read every post! There has been anger, heartbreak and even humor. Sometimes I got so caught up in just getting thru everyday that I would lose sight of how wonderful my child is. I am usually the kid wrangler at our house, but one afternoon I had a meeting & my husband decided he could handle a couple of hours. About 2 hrs in, I got a phone call from my distraught hubby wondering how soon I would be home & how could he get lipstick off the toilet? When I got home he gave me the full report. First, DJ dumped a bunch of dogfood into the toilet. It started to expand as it absorbed water and of course, he flushed! My husband grabbed a couple of towels to catch the water and plunged the toilet. Apparently, DJ had to poo and didn’t want to interrupt Daddy so poo’ed in his pants. Before Daddy could catch him, DJ pulled down his pants and got poo all over himself & his hands. My husband cleaned him up with paper towels and ran him a bath. He realized that he would be using the last towel for DJ’s bath so he put him in the tub & went to put towels in the washer. By the time he returned, DJ had gotten out of the tub and found a tube of lipstick from the cabinet! He covered most of the exterior of the toilet in a lovely shade of pink and put the rest in his hair! It wasn’t funny at the time but we laugh now!
I could be nasty to the stupid people I encounter, but I usually have alot on my mind and very little energy to fight! My son did get someone in church one day though. A little old gal commented to another “Christian” that it was so sad that children were born that way & what a burden he must be on his family & the county & the school. Before I could say a word, DJ said “My mommy says I am special & beautiful and she wouldn’t trade me for anything! So there you mean lady!”. He was so loud that most everyone could hear! So proud that something I said stuck!
maia chung said:
All your comments are things my family have gone through possibly except the more extreme cases of confrontation – I wonder where this will all lead this Autism _ am parent of three sons one son with Autism we are from Jamaica and living with Autism is hard I am tired of everything that has to do with the struggle …
juliaandrew said:
All the things I wish I had the guts to say… you have expressed all the things that are living in my head! 12 years into this ‘journey”, most people still suck. On the flip side, we are might lucky to have a small, but lovingly supportive, village.
Laurel
http://www.autismkidsandfindingjoy.blogspot.com
Anonymous said:
Last year, the Friday before Mother’s Day..and we were at the orthodontist for my oldest son. It was a great day…no tantrums, I got to shower, I had clean clothes on and was feeling pretty darn good about myself. We have been going to this orthodontist 3 kids worth so they know me and my son’s issues, now I don’t really have to stay in the waiting room, my oldest was 13 at the time and it was a routine adjustment..but it’s good practice right? practicing being quiet, social story in hand, fidgit toys, preferred snacks..etc etc etc. ok so his volume increased and he got a little jazzy…the receptionist and I have a signal of “we are done, going to the car, let the big boy know where Mom is” again…all was going pretty well. And then….the bitch sitting next to me utters “Some people just cannot control their kids”. I was stunned…was she talking to ME? How is that possible? I smell good and seriously we were not anywhere near thermo nuclear meltdown stage yet….really? I couldn’t believe it..and there was the receptionist..mouth open…staring…waiting for me to snap I guess. I turned to princess pissy pants and simply said “Congratulations on your perfect child…have a Happy Mother’s Day…your so lucky never to have been blessed with Autism” and with that…i left.
I was told after that, the orthodontist asked her to find another practice. 🙂
Linda Roberts Horsman said:
You are awesome and the orthodontist is fabulous!
Anonymous said:
There are a lot of stupid people in the world. I’ve learned to accept that and move on because if I don’t, I end up losing an entire day or two for giving importance to someone who is not in my scheme of things.
The other day, my 16 year old was running back and forth in the mall in an area where there were sofas. Several people were watching and commenting. Finally I’d had it, I said “She has autism and the show’s over people. Lets go back to our own lives now”.
Thinking about it later, I could have added so much more to that comment and made it so much nastier, so now I try to practise it before it comes out 🙂
Christine McInerney Percy said:
This is brilliant!! I’m still angry that I had to choose between a family event at my Uncle’s place and my family. At a family Christening my Uncle started screaming at my son because he kept walking up and down the stairs and did not respond to him when he told him to stop. My Mum ended up hugging my cowering son and covering his ears and saying quite passionately “leave him alone he has autism”, my uncle then stormed off.
A few months later we had a family Christmas gathering and I was told that we were welcome to come but he expected my son (then 5 yrs) to follow HIS house rules. I politely told him there was no way I could guarantee this and therefore we weren’t going. It sucked, I then had my cousin call to say I was making trouble, and I was hurting my Uncle! I kid you not!! I stood my ground but I never got to say ‘FUCK OFF YOU INTOLERANT S.O.B’, I’ve lost all respect for the man, who just happened to be my Godfather. I’ve seen him once since then and he tried to speak to me, I was polite but short. I don’t have time for this shit in my life. As you can see I’m still hurt, it still makes tear well in my eyes.
Suzanne B. said:
My heart is breaking for you, Christine. I’m sorry your uncle doesn’t “get it,” but I’m glad you protected yourself and your son from another bad scene. Shame on your cousin for trying to make you feel guilty about a decision that had to have been particularly painful for you. I hope you continue to receive the love and support of your mom, and that you will extend your “family” to include parents in similar situations. There’s nothing quite like the comfort of a play date with other parents and children who are in the same boat — no explaining, no apologizing, just the palpable presence of shared empathy.
Anonymous said:
As a Stepdad to a teenager with ADHD and ODD, a nephew with ASD and a sister in law who has just been diagnosed with Aspergers I have to say that this page and the comments on it have moved me to tears more than once. I teach kids many of whom have special needs, ASD, ADHD and EBD too and I rarely manage to get to a place where I feel lucky my life isn’t harder…. I salute all of you mums and dads who not only have to cope with ‘challenging behaviour’ (such an inadequate term) from their loved ones but also with the ignorance prejudice and stupidity of others.
MarsupialMama said:
Oh wow, words fail me…. I actually cried I was laughing so hard as I read this (that rarely ever happens!)
Thank you, this was Full of The Awesome.
Cathy Green said:
I have a standard reply: “he’s got autism – what’s your excuse?”
Petra Van Goor said:
They forgot reason number 6: Mom might be autistic as well and go all ‘meltdown’ on your ass.
Megan said:
Omg I love you for writing this. I seriously think you’re living inside my head.
barbarapotter said:
Spent last sunday with my precious grandson age 4 who has PWS and PDD-NOS. Meltdown after meltdown after meltdown because someplace he wanted to go was not open yet. We held hands, walked in Santa Monica and I smiled. Just smiled because I love that little monkey with all of my heart and just let one idiot say one word to me and ….well…too bad for them. Love this blog. Love every “special moment” I have with him. Amazing how many people stare and form opinions without having any brains in their head. And believe me they did. I am sure they thought I was nuts or he was spoiled or whatever. 🙂
Brandy Sawyer said:
My 5 year old saw a couple of older ladies pointing and staring at my 8 year old Autistic child. So out of his mouth comes, “My brother has Autism, and your staring isn’t going to help it!” He then turns to me with a smile and a little thumbs up and says, “I got this Mom.” And by golly he sure did, they simply turned red and walked away! lol
Anonymous said:
Siblings are beautiful!
Linda Roberts Horsman said:
That is awesome! High fives, little dude!
Anonymous said:
Everyone process emotions differently. When I was pregnant with my oldest son I would think of how his life would be. While I was dreaming of all the wonderful things he would do I never threw in there, “oh and he’ll have autism too!” Well when we got the diagnosis of Autism ( now Asperger’s) I guess I did mourn the loss of the life I wanted my son to have.
Now I am past that part. I love my son and see all the wonderful things he has to offer. I pray everyday that everyone else will see it too. But having Asperger’s is not easy for him. He is aware now at the age of 10 that the other kids don’t slap there faces and make humming sounds in class, and that they don’t cry when something changes unexpectedly. So yes I do sometimes wish that he didn’t have to go through this everyday, who wants to see there child hurt. Does this make me a bad autism mom?
Kathleen said:
My fifteen year old with autism is now academically ranked number one in his sophomore class. He was ranked first in his freshman class too. No super powers, just hard work and good ABA. But his freshman English teacher’s response to this miracle really pissed me off. She told the other teachers that they couldn’t let the kid with autism be the valedictorian that wouldn’t be fair to the other kids. And she didn’t expect that one of them would actually tell me?!? Really?!? Don’t piss off the autism mom that is also a special education advocate known as the bitch from hell!
Suzanne B. said:
Kathleen — Congrats to your son for his academic success! And shame on the English teacher who can’t understand or acknowledge what he has achieved. Go get ’em, autism mom!
Katrena Lee said:
First I HAD to share this with the autie mommies on my list that aren’t on any groups. Second…I have two of those moments that stand out and both of them involve docs. I have a severely high medical needs child. The first doctor was when he was about 6 or 7 and we had to take him to the ER for stitches and the doc started asking him questions of which of course my son didn’t even attempt to answer and I had to explain he COULDN’T talk and the doc had the nerve to answer “yes he can…he just doesn’t want to” He knew that my son was autistic as well as cerebral palsy and most likely intrauterine stroke victim. Our neuro had told us before this that if we didn’t have language by 6 we would never have meaningful long drawn out convos but would be lucky to even have single words sentences. We now have about 20 words and he is 9 but those have been extremely labor intensive in coming and still can’t be understood by those outside of our immediate circle. All I could say to him was “gee doc…don’t know why I didn’t come to you first about his speech since you obviously know more than ALL his specialty docs” and we left after that. The second doctor was just a week ago. My son had to have a stoma placed using his appendix through his belly button in order for us to administer daily enemas. This child has NEVER been potty trained for stool and now all of a sudden not only is he going daily on routine but it also cramps quite a bit as his body learns what to do AND he has to sit on the potty until his egg timer goes off (about 45 minutes) He is bright enough that he made the connection between the two things. One day while on the potty he opted to pull the tube out of his stoma and tore the stoma away from the wall in doing so and leaked bowel stuff into his abdomen causing a raging infection and extreme nausea. We were just three weeks post op so we rushed him to the ER immediately at the children’s hospital where they did the surgery initially. It was bad enough they had to do an emergency surgery on a saturday afternoon and about two days post op the doc that was on the surgery admitting team came into our room because I was making rumblings about needing home health to help administer his two weeks worth of daily rectal enemas at home (btw the nurses were in SHOCK at exactly how strong a 48 pound post op kiddo with autism can actually be as it took two to hold him and a third to administer the enemas) and he was in there to try to convince me that insurance wouldn’t cover it which I already knew from my insurance special caseworker that they would. He had the gall to first tell me “You need to put on your mommy brain and think outside the box” regarding administering the enemas by myself. I informed him he was welcome to come and attempt to give the enema himself once and see what we have to deal with to which he rejected that proposal and then he asked me if my kiddo could “understand” us. I told him yes and he proceeded to look at my mostly nonverbal child and speak rationally hahaha “When mommy comes to give you your bum medicine you need to let her or your belly will hurt and you will have to come back to the hospital”…okay I said he could UNDERSTAND you not that he would comprehend and connect what you just said to the immediate circumstance of a nurse or me approaching him with a massive tube to shove up his rear. Gee doc if he could make THOSE connections he likely would never have pulled the tube out or tore the stoma to begin with doncha think??? Seeing as how he IS 9 and most “normal” 9 year olds don’t generally yank tubes that docs put in!!! Needless to say after his autism specialist caught wind of this THIS doc is about to get a class in autism education whether he wants it or not.
Anonymous said:
Wow! This is what I have felt for months, and someone finally put it to words. Several months ago, a woman told me that me and my son needed to grow thicker skin since we couldn’t take a little teasing. I had first told her kids making fun of my son for flapping and babbling wasn’t nice. We were at Target and it took, every ounce of strength I had to start hurling bars of Dove soap at her.
Cuindless said:
I agree 100% with this entire article. My wife and I have two autistic boys ages 7 and 5, and she is the strongest most amazing human I’ve ever had the pleasure to know. I come homes from work and see that look in her eyes, it doesn’t matter how “bad” of a day I’ve had. It’s obvious she needs some time to relax, and I take the kids until bed time. Supermom deserves it!
Ron Carroll said:
Lisa, you would be doing everyone a favor if you deleted the comments by Cub/Dale. I suspect he’s just a young kid who’s simply trying to inject controversy into an otherwise mature dialogue. I believe you can also block further posts by him from within the admin area of WordPress.
Thanks,
Ron
Lisa said:
Ron, I’m pulling the trolls as soon as I spot them, but I do have to spend a small portion of my day raising my children, so I wasn’t able to devote the entire last 36 hours to protecting us from the stupid. Safeguards have been erected, never fear. Posts are now being moderated so I don’t wake up to anymore nasty surprises.
Anonymous said:
2 points:
1. i agree with brian kinghorn. i’m not mourning the loss of my son. it never occurred to me to think about how he would be if he didn’t have asperger’s. I find joy in all that he is, and even when i’m frustrated with his issues, i never stop and think about how he was “suppose” to be without autism. He just is. I accept that. I’m glad to have him.
2. I’ll go ahead and say it. People need to be in special fear of the black mother (/parent) who lives in a racist area who has been through hell and back trying to get her young black aspergian son what he needs as far as IEPs go. Because, you know, obviously he’s just a young misbehaving hooligan who simply needs much more discipline. I’m just spoiling him after all. Ugh. I’m on the edge, all the time. back up.
Blessed Grandmother said:
Brian, I agree with you, My grandson is very high functioning he is now 6, didn’t speak until he was near 5 and has a behavioral disorder that makes a 12 year old look like a wimp.he has been diagnosed with autism disorder/pdd .. for the longest time even now we fight with doctors schools etc.. he too gets up at 3:00 am screaming, yes there is very little sleep in our home, we have to constantly watch him and yes we have had to deal with others whop think they are the best parents and have all the answers..(we also live in a military town) we know the fight is far from over with our little big man.. but… that fight is nothing we regret or wish he was not afflicted with this problem.. he does have an extremely high academic ability, because we have taken his strengths and worked hard on nurturing them, he has a fabulous memory and has an obsession with numbers, using those strengths we have been able to teach him to memorize his words so he can read. but his high academic achievements is shadowed by the autisic behaviors.. but we find strength in who he is and what he is (autisic) are there downsides, absolutely, Children services are not well educated on them, therefore blames parents for bad parenting, parents that feel they have the perfect kids are not educated, and even the schools, and multitudes of doctors can never agree on some things. but those are not the childs fault. we love our little man very very much, and the autism is part of who he is, it is a huge part of who he will be in the future.. I don’t blame anyone for the autism..but i do blame the multitudes for the lack of education especially when it is in a field that they are making the decisions on.
Renee said:
make the whole family t-shirts that say, “YES, It’s Contagious!”
Brian Kinghorn (@burgerkinghorn) said:
Had my respect until you said “We are angry about the loss of the child we were supposed to have, and we never truly stop mourning.”
Leora said:
(this is a real letter just sent to my son’s special education director)
Dear Special Ed Director,
Brandon had an amazing week. Not only did Brandon attend school fives days in a row, he stayed for approximately an hour and a half each day. Brandon has achieved tremendous success this school year due to hard work by Brandon and his behavioral company.
Instead of praising Brandon for coming into school five days in row the teacher fills out an incident report.
The incident report stated that Brandon escalated verbally and hit his aid.
Brandon was asked to complete a task by the AT assessor.
After repeated attempts to have him complete the task, Brandon said no, no, no, during which time Brandon had his hand on the aid’s hand and tapped no three times in conjunction with each no. The final tap was harder with a louder no! This was not an act of aggression but it was Brandon desperately trying to tell anyone who would listen to stop!
Instead of an incident report a special education teacher might have used this incident as a learning tool and suggested that Brandon was communicating but no one was listening, so how do we rectify this situation? Maybe since no one was listening to him lets give Brandon a big sign, a break card. The behavior that needed to be modified was not Brandon’s it was the AT assessor. If a kid says no what does that mean? You ignore him till he gets upset? Because he has special needs he has no rights?
This in conjunction with Brandon’s
autism he has a neurological physical behavior called a physical stereotypy is what should have been noted.
Brandon’s particular type of behavior, “physical stereotypy” has been documented by several doctors, including Dr. Johnson and the UCI Neurological Center.
Physical stereotypy is a repetitive motion not unlike Tourettes.
Gilles de la Tourettes syndrome is a condition that causes people to make repeated, quick movements or sounds that they cannot control. These movements or sounds are called tics. As this syndrome may be linked to problems in certain areas of the brain, it may also have to do with chemical substances such as dopamine, serotonin, and nor epinephrine that help nerve cells talk to one another.
Brandon recently put his heel through a wall while lying on a bed at home watching TV from the same jerking motions.
Dr. Johnson and UCI have concurred that Brandon definitely suffers from this condition and is on medication that help alleviate the problem; I have medical documentation regarding this diagnosis.
Your district on frequent basis fails to recognize Brandon’s health issues and disabilities. Such as not providing an air conditioned bus something your district ignored until Brandon had Lithium Toxicity, more recently at an IEP when your “program specialist” conveyed annoyance that I was requesting for the words “air condition bus” be appropriately stated in the IEP.
While examining Brandon’s records of his last two years at the NPS, we found Brandon was being made to complete work that was far above his scholastic ability, subsequently causing behavioral out burst.
Why do you think he was acting out, with out the ability to speak? Made to do work far above his level, being punished and physically abused. What would your behavior be like?
Do you not find it remarkable that no one in the district even knows Brandon’s levels of knowledge?
Is it that your district’s “program specialist” left him in a NPS for two years with out inspection, or proper management of his case, no IEP, no assessments, no goals, documented physical abuse with no incident reports?
My lawyer states “It is not the responsibility of the parent to police the school district and the lack of care falls on the lap of your school district.”
From speaking with you, I understand it is not your preference to discuss the gratuitous mistakes your district has made year after year, but the reality is that your district has failed repeatedly.
Your “program specialist” painted such an inadequate portrayal of Brandon that when Christine finally made contact with Brandon she was fearful and conveyed that fear to the entire class.
What I find extraordinary that your staff is not only untrained with updated behavioral strategies but additionally unable to recognize neurological deficits.
Every time Brandon makes a loud noise aids stare at him with repugnance or move children away from him as though he was a fiend. He is under constant scrutiny for his distinctive neurological behavioral. I expect this from people on the street, but from educators?
But that just brings me back to your superintendent telling a public forum that Autism is from parent drug use.
Your district is in violation of Brandon’s civil rights. Your district is discriminating against Brandon’s disability.
Brandon’s Mom
Anonymous said:
Hi again,
I too enjoy this blog and I was fortunate to find another through the agency where we received our service dog. We brought Barley home in December of 2008 and I still am on that blog. I learn so much from everyone and it is wonderful to not be alone in it all.
My 26 year old daughter was diagnosed with PDD NOS my 10 year old son has Asperger’s, ADHD, Anxiety Disorder, ADHD and sleep disorder. Thankfully my son sleeps with Barley now and that was from day one when we received Barley. Check out 4Paws for Ability if you might be interested in getting a service dog for your child. It has changed our lives. Bless you all and I appreciate the authors that started this.
Sally
Anonymous said:
Dear Special Ed Director, (This a real letter I sent to my son’s school)
Brandon had an amazing week. Not only did Brandon attend school fives days in a row, he stayed for approximately an hour and a half each day. Brandon has achieved tremendous success this school year due to hard work by Brandon and his behavioral company.
Instead of praising Brandon for coming into school five days in row the teacher fills out an incident report.
The incident report stated that Brandon escalated verbally and hit his aid.
Brandon was asked to complete a task by the AT assessor.
After repeated attempts to have him complete the task, Brandon said no, no, no, during which time Brandon had his hand on the aid’s hand and tapped no three times in conjunction with each no. The final tap was harder with a louder no! This was not an act of aggression but it was Brandon desperately trying to tell anyone who would listen to stop!
Instead of an incident report a good special education teacher might have used this incident as a learning tool and suggested that Brandon was communicating but no one was listening, so how do we rectify this situation? Maybe since no one was listening to him lets give Brandon a big sign, a break card. The behavior that needed to be modified was not Brandon’s it was the AT assessor. If a kid says no what does that mean? You ignore him till he gets upset? Because he has special needs he has no rights?
This in conjunction with Brandon’s neurological physical behavior called a physical stereotypy is what should have been noted.
Brandon’s particular type of behavior, “physical stereotypy” has been documented by several doctors, including Dr. Evelyn Johnson and the UCI Neurological Center.
Physical stereotypy is a repetitive motion not unlike Tourettes.
Gilles de la Tourettes syndrome is a condition that causes people to make repeated, quick movements or sounds that they cannot control. These movements or sounds are called tics. As this syndrome may be linked to problems in certain areas of the brain, it may also have to do with chemical substances such as dopamine, serotonin, and nor epinephrine that help nerve cells talk to one another.
Brandon recently put his heel through a wall while lying on a bed at home watching TV from the same jerking motions.
Dr. Johnson and UCI have concurred that Brandon definitely suffers from this condition and is on medication that help alleviate the problem; I have medical documentation regarding this diagnosis.
Your district on frequent basis fails to recognize Brandon’s health issues and disabilities. Such as not providing an air conditioned bus something your district ignored until Brandon had Lithium Toxicity, more recently at an IEP when your “program specialist” conveyed annoyance that I was requesting for the words “air condition bus” be appropriately stated in the IEP.
While examining Brandon’s records of his last two years at the NPS, we found Brandon was being made to complete work that was far above his scholastic ability, subsequently causing behavioral out burst.
Why do you think he was acting out, with out the ability to speak? Made to do work far above his level, being punished and physically abused. What would your behavior be like?
Do you not find it remarkable that no one in the district even knows Brandon’s levels of knowledge?
Is it that your district’s “program specialist” left him in a NPS for two years with out inspection, or proper management of his case, no IEP, no assessments, no goals, documented physical abuse with no incident reports?
My lawyer states “It is not the responsibility of the parent to police the school district and the lack of care falls on the lap of your school district.”
From speaking with you, I understand it is not your preference to discuss the gratuitous mistakes your district has made year after year, but the reality is that your district has failed repeatedly.
Your “program specialist” painted such an inadequate portrayal of Brandon that when Christine finally made contact with Brandon she was fearful and conveyed that fear to the entire class.
What I find extraordinary that your staff is not only untrained with updated behavioral strategies but additionally unable to recognize neurological deficits.
Every time Brandon makes a loud noise aids stare at him with repugnance or move children away from him as though he was a fiend. He is under constant scrutiny for his distinctive neurological behavioral. I expect this from people on the street, but from educators?
But that just brings me back to your superintendent telling a public forum that Autism is from parent drug use.
Your district is in violation of Brandon’s civil rights. Your district is discriminating against Brandon’s disability.
Brandon’s mother
Reba88 said:
Boy does this hit home. Not because I have an autistic child, but because I’ve been that asshole before. One of my good friends from a few years ago has two children. The oldest, a boy, is autistic. She and I worked together in our MOMS Club and she became more and more involved until she finally became the president of the club. I mentioned to a mutual friend that it seemed like she was immersing herself in too many things, and you’d thing that she’d want to be home more or at therapy working on helping her son. I said it in a very sanctimonious, self righteous manner that makes me cringe thinking back on it, and it got back to her. She never really told me why she was no longer friendly toward me, but I knew. I also know that I was wrong for what I said, and I wrote her a letter apologizing for my insensitivity. She never responded and life happened and we haven’t seen each other since, but I deeply regret that one, stupid, judgemental comment and I would take it back a thousand times if I could:(.
vaccine injured said:
During an emergency IEP meeting last week regarding my 5 year old’s new behavior issues, one of the members of the “team” suggested putting my son in a padded room. Without missing a beat I said, “Why not just strap him to a chair, better yet strap me to a chair because if you’re serious I’m going to come across this table and beat the crap out of you, he is 5 years old and he is only this (indicating his height) big and you are telling me the best you can do is shove him in a padded cell?”
michele said:
that team member needs not be on ur team anymore.all the people involved in an iep meeting should 1.know ur child,2.know about his special needs,3.should be educated on all the special needs they deal with.find out what that persons position was and who will replace them.then proceed to inform them that they need to have more schooling and/or get into a new field of work.the next parent might be not as nice as u.it might be me with my fingers around their neck.
Jo Robertson said:
Dear dear wonderful sacrificing parents. You have made me feel better about my not perfect kids too. It’s good to know it’s not my parenting skills but uneducated opinionated overbearing misguided well-meaning do gooders. Whom I am guilty of being too. Well I hope I do get to meet some of you on a shopping expedition! Come out more!
Anonymous said:
Recommend the book The Speed of Dark for those who have time to read. It presents thought provoking ideas about autism and whether those who have it and their families would take a cure if one were developed.
Rachael Zubal-RuggieriR said:
I have that book (Speed of Dark) but haven’t read it yet. I’ve also read “House Rules” by Jodi Piccoult and had very mixed feelings about that one…
Anonymous said:
My child is high funtioning and I would not trade him for the world but I would have done anything to have had this when he was younger!!! I love it sometimes I still feel like this! This was wonderful whoop whoop!! i did pull the autism card on a pregnent woman who thought she deserved sympothy and an opology when my son went flashing around the corner and down the aisle with a cart in the grocery store. tried to sic the store manager on him. should have seen her back away when i profussly apologized for my sons autisum. the look on her face was priceless!!!
Linedancergal said:
Wow. This is brilliant. If you are well and truly feeling all this stuff, just know that there is hope. My little auty is now 11 and I rarely have comments made now. I think when they are nearly adult size but obviously have language or behaviour issues, autism is finally not invisible. We actually get sleep now (bought him a digital clock and said he could come to our room at 7am). He finally started eating real food instead of babyfood so the budget is not quite so bad as it was. Because of all this, the stress and anger has lessened a LOT. The odd twit who says something unkind is far less likely to get attacked cos they’re not worth my time or energy. If they don’t say it about one thing they’ll say it about another. I’m guess they must be miserable people to want to hurt a kid or a parent who is obviously already hurting.
We have of course met our share of people like that. Some don’t even mean to be horrible, they think they are helping. Like the lady that told me to walk off and leave my tantruming child. Problem was that I didn’t want to have to ring the police to find him yet AGAIN. It’s scary when your kid is missing and you know they have no road sense and not enough language to ask for help to get home.
Nowadays the tantrums are few and far between, but the funny experiences are more common. We tell Ben that the blankets are tucked in, so when they come untucked, he tells us they are, “Tucked out.” He used to go round and touch lots of cars in the carpark, so finally to convince him it wasn’t a game we told him that if he touched other people’s cars, a policeman would growl. Of course we met a policeman in Macs one day and Ben ran over to him and said, “No touching other people’s cars. Policeman will growl!” Poor guy didn’t know what to make of it lol. I had to explain.
anonymous said:
Dads have anger too of course, when my son was 5 a man and wife and a chinese buffet told me we needed Dr. Phil. After my wife and son were safely in the car, I went back to their booth to vent, the large man began to get up to fight, but his wife warned him that I looked crazy and he saved me prison and he saved his own life. Sometimes I can turn the other cheek and am much better at it than in the past, but hit me on the wrong day and you will have hell to pay.
Saritta said:
To the sweet grandmother in the park who told her little cuties that they cannot play with my baby because he was a bad example! ….” …I cannot believe that are you raising human beings and the worst thing is that I problably have to see you tonite at the school PTA meeting ….” then I coursed her out in Spanish!….It feel good too……
MomOfAmazingKid said:
OMG that must be who raised the little insensitive kid that laughed at my son’s leg brace.
Becky said:
I am a special education teacher, half my class is diagnosed with Autism. I am nota parent but I know what you mean. I had a student nurse observing who basically told me these kids should not exist and be allowed to be born, that they don’t contribute anything. Needless to say when I got through setting her straight, they didn’t give me a student nurse the rest of the year. If you are a good teacher you fight just as hard for your students. Thankyou for posting this I think the world needs ro read this
momof2 said:
Well, I try not to judge any parents even the idiots. But i do judge others…..we were swimming in our pool at our apartment complex. I just got divorced and moved from a house to an apartment with my 2 autistic sons. Swimming is the only thing that helps us all cope. Anyway, one night some 20 something bimbo was drunk at the pool with two guys. She thought my 11 year old son called her a retard (he called his brother that – which wasn’t acceptable but I didn’t hear that) so she called my son, an 11 year old w/ autism an asshole. I completely lost it and if my son wouldn’t have been standing there I probably would have held her stupid, bleached blonde head under water. At one point she said “it isn’t like your child is walking around with a flashing sign saying autism. It is your job to make him like us. We don’t have to be sympathetic and understanding.” If the manager hadn’t come out right at that moment I surely would have went to jail.
Sadly that was the one and only time my boys have been to the pool without our habilitation workers. They simply don’t feel safe because this bimbo yelled at me (and I yelled back – it went on for a while). Since our hab workers are young guys they will only go to the pool with them now 😦
Yeah that anger, it simmers just waiting for the unwary.
katphoti said:
I’m neither a mom nor do I know anyone close who has autism. But I find that autism moms/dads are the most attentive and work hard to try to keep their kid in check. My next door neighbor has an autistic child, and he’s a good kid and his parents try hard to help him. Plus dad is mildly autistic, so they are aware of the issues and deal with them well.
For me, it’s the moms who are walking around the grocery store clearing carrying on a useless conversation with their friend on the cell phone while their kids are clamboring in and out of the cart and running down the aisle and their discipline is a flippant “stop that” or “I’m going to start counting” that I have no sympathy for. THOSE are the idiot parents.
Suzanne B. said:
Love this post! Especially the part about fighting with our children “to keep their pants on in public.” My 7yo son with ASD and ADHD can often pass as an NT, so sometimes I feel like a poseur in autieland (as if anyone would choose to be here!). But there are days I feel incredibly vulnerable and have to don my defensive armor before leaving the house with my son. It’s why I’m so grateful for the places where he is truly embraced and loved and appreciated for who he is…at his inclusive preschool, with his OT, with his music therapist/guitar teacher, with close family members and friends who adore him. So while we do need to keep our snarky outer shell to survive some unfortunate encounters, I think we autism moms for the most part know a hell of a lot more about gratitude than the average person!
Mike Barrett said:
As a father with young boys on the spectrum as well as a staunch advocate, I am one that proffers to take the moral high ground with those in our society who react in ignorance to the unique challenges our autties provide for us and endure in life. Now, don’t get me wrong, when you try to take the moral high ground and get resistance, well, you can’t fix stupid – don’t waste your time. Their stupidity is stronger than any effort our tired, serving selves can provide to the occasional lost cause. It is said if you take a genius and an idiot and lock them in a room for an hour – two idiots will emerge.
Here is a little story to illustrate why I like to give the average ignorant person a chance to allow me to school him. If we, the offended, rush too quickly to react to them with that (often times well-deserving though) nuclear blast of a verbal assault, we may feel better for a moment having “put them in their place,” but that feeling is fleeting and the remorse likely will set in that other posters described above. When you hit em with your nuclear arsenal first, you don’t have an opportunity left for diplomacy and perhaps a future ally in the fight. This is especially true if we, collectively as an advocating community, hope to foster more understanding and acceptance of our exceptional children. Who really wants to extend any future courtesy in after we blast them a good one?
Here’s the illustration that drives me:
“A businessman gets on a subway train after a long day at the office. He takes a seat and opens up his newspaper to relax and unwind during the trip home. He couldn’t help but notice the ruckus that was going on at the other end of the car as two young children were running around and being very loud. The two kids are running up and down the car and had even bumped into some people. This went on for some time.
The man looked over his paper and watched a man who appeared to be their father just staring off into space oblivious, and completely ignoring his rude children’s behavior. He said to himself under his breath, “What an awful father to just let those kids behave that way in public. Why doesn’t he correct or stop those children? He must not be a very good parent. How do they let people like that have children?”
Finally, the man has had enough. He approaches the father and very rudely says, “What is wrong with you? Why are you letting your children bother all the rest of the passengersand behave this way?”
The comment from the man appeared to jar the father out of his state. The father looked at the man blankly for a couple seconds, then looks at his children. He says to the man apologetically, “Oh, I am terribly sorry sir, please forgive their behavior. You see, their mother died at the hospital today, and I guess they really don’t know how to handle it and I guess I really don’t either.”
The man, immediately embarrassed by his quick rush to judgment and insensitive comments, sat down next to the man and offered his condolences and an offering of assistance.”
In cases when confronted with the choice of how to respond, I always like to hope my effort will result in a “subway experience” with the offensive party so the next time they run into one of on the street you they will approach you and your children with acceptance and understanding instead of harsh judgement.
I salute all youl fellow parents on the road less traveled. Keep fighting the good fight for our children!
In advocacy,
Mike Barrett
Theresa Broderick said:
this is awesome…I am fortunate that my daughter can pass as an NT…Most of the time…but that can be a double edge sword, because when she melts down…people then look at you like your an alien…and you want to slap them…and tell them to pull the head out of their backside and get a clue…I have been very fortunate to have…the family and friends that i have who LOVE my daughter as she is…and Love me too…
Aussie said:
10 years ago I was too depressed and upset and hurt to fight back or to be angry. I was in the research and grief stages. I was also in the afraid stage, too afraid to take my son back to the supermarket because he screamed blue murder and had to be dragged out, too scared to take him anywhere new because he would again have huge metldowns and lie down flat on the ground each and every time resulting in me lifting and trying to get him back to the car. I was also afraid of the asshole know it all’s called Teachers who I now know were wrong wrong wrong but I was too afraid to trust my own knowledge of my son and my gut instincts and I did whatever they told me cause I was too scared not to!
Now these days I am ANGRY but happy and calm. I am angry at those asshole know it alls and could slap a few of there faces but I am angry at myself for just doing whatever they told me to do often resulting in hurting my son more and more. I am angry at not standing up for myself or finding someone to come along with my and supporting me and my son. I am angry because he got abused at the hands of those we both trusted and should have been able to trust. I am angry because he did not deserve that. I am angry because I am his Mother, his protector , his everything and I failed him. I am angry because he had faith that his Mother would never let him down and that his Mother above everyone else would know him, would know when he was trying to tell me something was wrong,but I failed him and I broke his faith, I broke his trust , I failed him so yes I am angry.
I am angry because it took me a few years of lots of hurt done to my son before I got it and I am angry because the damage has been done and it will now be a long long road for me to slowly pick up all the pieces and regain my sons trust, my sons faith in me to protect him and most importantly my sons love . I did not and would not ever hurt my son , this is what I have always said but unknowingly I did it by trusting others and I now have to live with that pain and so yes I AM ANGRY.
I am however very happy because i have the strength to demand whats right, and to fight for my boys – finally!!! I now stand up proudly and say YES I homeschool and my boys are now happy and have learned so much more than they ever did all the years they spent at school. I am proud but I am happy because my boys are now finally happy and have smiles back on there faces because the anxiety of being forced to go to a horrible place has now gone. I am happy because my boys are happy. I love my boys and they love me.
I am angry for the challenges my boys face.
I am angry for the unneccessary pain that comes there way.
I am angry at friends who allow there children to use words like Retard.
I am angry because my kids do not get invited to parties or play dates.
I am angry because my own blood relatives do not get it and show no love.
I am angry because I have been made to feel stupid, worthless, inferior and much worse by those in professions of power or education because I question everything!
I am angry because friends will brag about the football game, the soccer game, the rugby grand final, the trophies, the parties and the hoards of friends their kid has but fail to recognize my own joy when my child with Autism speaks for the first time or goes to the toilet.
I am angry because I was there 100% for my own sisters children growing up , buying them gifts, taking them places and attending all there events BUT once my own children came along my sisters are not there for me, nor are there children who are my kids cousins.
I am angry because I know I will not have Grand Children but more angry that my beautiful, handsome , such good looking boys will not feel the way I feel right now and have felt since the day they were born – they will never feel what its like to be a parent, to love something so much that is often hard to breath, to love someone so much that you really would die for them. To love so much you are frightened whenever they are out of your sight.
YES I am also angry at all those friends and family that have not had that taken away from them so will never feel that pain.
I am angry because my boys cannot tell me when they hurt, when they are sick or sad or scared – no I am more than angry I am FUCKING FURIOUS,,,,,FURIOUS AT this damn world or God or whoever is responsible because my beautiful boys did not deserve this.
But to be honest I think the love has overcome the anger – it took a few years but I don’t care anymore , I don’t care about friends and catching up with them , I don’t care that I am missing out on nights out dancing or weekends away or coffees with the girls or even finding a new man…… I really do not care. I have finally come to a place where the only things important to me are the health and happiness of my 2 boys. Truly,honestly ! The house may be a mess, the bills may go a little over due alot lol, my hair could do with a haircut once every 3 years rather than 7 lol the car could do with a wash once a year but we are happy, the 3 of us – and everyone else can just , well , fuck off!!!!!!!!!!!
Cassidy said:
Awe struck. Beautiful, honest, heartbreaking and at the same time uplifting post. Well said. More power to you. SO glad you found happiness, as you SO deserve it!
Barbara said:
I am that mom and I fought countless battles in my childrens’ lives. I really hate living in a society where people feel they’ve the right to be rude and ill mannered under the self efacing guise of an “honest” opinion or remark. Where is empathy? Where is the adage ,if you’ve nothing nice to say, say nothing? Where is the concept that if what you are offering isn’t a helping hand….mind your own flipping business?! Basically do not piss off an autism mom because you are not walking in her “enormous” shoes, living her extreme life, loving her children or being even a modicum of the extrodinary individual she is! Trust me, we see, hear and deal with all that you do (and more) in our children. As much as we try to mind your feelings and sensibilities it is our childrens that are omnipotent in OUR lives. Thinking before speaking is the greatest lesson ever taught, the hardest ever learned and the most appreciated!
Anonymous said:
I love to see the dads posting, too. 🙂
Julia Jakubowski Howerin said:
LOVE IT!! I always wanted to walk up to people who piss me off and take their name and number, put it on a ‘call list” and then at those wonderful 3am stimmy wake-up and watch 4 hours of the same DVD over and over just start randomly dialing those numbers and handing the phone over to the Night Owl and just let him “stream” (thats my made up word for the stimmy-scream–y’know that high pitched one that will set any glass break detector alarm off? yeah that one) that would be one hell of a wake up call for some of the jackasses– But really I’m a nice person–well we all are–
Ashley said:
LOVE IT!!
Anonymous said:
Oops. “(used to describe slowing in general)” was typed in the wrong spot.
Andy said:
Well said.
Anonymous said:
Love this! I may need to use this as inspiration for writing something similar for moms dealing with a particular GI disabilities that I’m familiar with. We often get comments due to our kids’ dietary needs and feeding tubes. Many of us are dealing with ASDs in addition. I know many moms who would really appreciate reading this. I usually take the educational route or ignore them, but I completely empathize with the desire to lay into the ignoramuses in life.
As for the comments about the use of the word in the original image, I personally have no problem with it’s use. I agree that it isn’t the same as the R word. I saw a comment indicating that any word ending with -tard was offensive, but there are others such as bastard, which could easily be morphed to F-tard and that’s the first word that comes to my mind when I hear it. However, some people would be offended by the use of the word bastard, too, due to it’s original meaning. Of course, mustard, leotard, unitard, mustard and custard won’t be confused with anything offensive (at least I hope not), but there are also less commonly used words such as bustard, costard, custard, petard and dastard. 🙂 Of the -tard words, the R word and dotard (slowing/decline of an elderly mind) can be offensive IMO, but only if used in an offensive manner. There are uses of the R-word that are NOT offensive (both as a verb and a noun), but never when used in a derrogatory manner. (used to describe slowing in general). It’s just my opinion, though.
Anonymous said:
Yep. I agree. I have the autism cerebral palsy and severe gastric issues in our house. My son has a feeding tube and a stoma with a tube for daily enemas. We have gotten the same rude people with both things but to me the worst are the glares and comments about how disgusting it is to give his meds or gravity feed in a restaurant Now that he is mostly full time on pump we don’t run into it as much since the pump in his backpack is less visible
M said:
Um, this is AWESOME. Thank you for this post! I’ve got 2 stories. The first story, which I blogged about (http://marfmom.com/archives/2269) is the one where I wish I had spoken up. The nurse was so full of awful that when I explained about my son’s dx, she said “So what’s he do? Sit around and flap his hands?” And then she flapped her hands to mimic a child who stims.
The second story that comes to mind was this summer. I took my 2 year old and my 5 month old to visit my mother out of state. We decided to take a walk downtown, so I put M in his harness (what some would call a leash) b/c he bolts and this was unfamiliar territory for him. We were having a great time till some drunks started making fun of M. I could ignore them, but then 2 sorority type girls came by and made fun of him under the breath. My mom and I BOTH lost it and started yelling at them, something along the lines of “you’re right, I should let my autistic son run in the street and get hit by a car, you stupid b*tch.” I was mad about it for awhile, but then it felt good to have been able to vent.
Gingerheaddad said:
I love the response to story number 2. Did they show any signs that they got the point?
Carol Annmarie Ward said:
I dont have the time to get upset at this kind of stuff. My kid never notices so I ignore it too and if hes happy Im happy so I let him keep singing tapping or w.e. else he might be doing that would annoy someone.
C.A.T.
Sally said:
Hi, I am an Autism Mom twice. I have a 26 year old daughter and a 10 year old son. I guess that my reaction is somewhat shocked to the anger expressed here. Don’t get me wrong, I have met every one of your situations and more. My 10 year old has an Autism Service dog for this reason. Not only does our service dog state subtly that what you see is something that isn’t obvious, it states that you observe without judgement for the child that has needs different than yours or mine. Not less than, but different. We help educate people about Autism this way every day. I believe that I wouldn’t have been able to single parent my children without my spritiual faith and support from God. i have built a great network of support that saves me from myself every day. I live in joy and hope. I do not resent others for not understanding, I educate them without feelling the need to harm them.
Sally in MN
Ron Carroll said:
Sally, you sound like a remarkable person. Thank you for your calm and reasoned response. I trust others will be able to learn from you and adopt your approach.
Ron in MA
Anonymous said:
i keep bail money in the house for when my wife will snap…
Blessed Mom said:
My son has hemiplegic CP, ADHD, Asperger’s and Bipolar disorder. I am with all of you when it comes to the momma lion showing its face when people say or do things like you have all mentioned. I have been told it all from, your child is spoiled, treat him like a prince he will act like a prince, he needs a good spanking, your not disciplining him enough etc. I was even told once by a special needs school official that I was TEACHING my son to be more disabled than he is. No one knows what we go through unless they have been through it too. It is a sad fact of life.
As for the anger at why my child why me….It took me well over a year with the help of antidepressants from the time my child was initially diagnosied to realize, why not me. I am blessed to have him in my life even when he is annoying me. He has taught me so much more than any teacher or person has ever taught me. He was given to me for a reason. What if Gd gave him to some other parent and that parent was abusive or neglectful in his medical needs? Instead he was given to me, a loving mom and advocate who will stop at nothing to get him the help he needs to succeed in life. I wouldn’t change a thing about him. He is the amazing little person that he is because of what life has given him. He is more compassionate than typical little boys I have met. He has a heart of gold. I don’t even need to spread awareness about his diagnosis. He does it himself. He amazes me more and more each day.
polyhobbymommy said:
Oh my I laughed so hard I started to cry. Having two children with Aspergers, OCD, ADHD, Anxiety, Mood Disorder, the list goes on, being on edge is what I do… Autism is our normal.
Thanks for the good laugh, I needed that.
-Zoila
Avuncular Ron said:
I’ve really enjoyed reading all the comments here. Some of the heart-felt comments have moved me to tears, and some of the comments have made me bristle a bit. But I came away with the sense that they’ve all been honest, and you can’t do any better than that. Thanks to all who’ve shared their thoughts and their experiences. And a special thanks to Erica and Lisa for their good work with this blog, for raising everyone’s consciousness. And an extra-special thanks to Lisa for putting this topic out there. It’s good stuff.
-ar
Janice Duke Ibosh said:
I am a mom of a 25 year old with autism, he was diagnosed later in life after being told he had severe adhd. I am a seasoned pro at going off on assholes and you reach a time where you don’t feel guilty anymore for defending your space. That is what you are doing, when they breach yours to tell you something we already know, then we have every right to speak up and should not be left with yet another raw emotion running loose in our body. I don’t go off as bad as I used to, but I still get forced by some idiots that don’t know my son and think since he’s an adult, they can say things , guess again, mom’s of adult children with autism are even more unstable. when we are pushed to snap, step away. love the blog
Rachael Zubal-RuggieriR said:
It’s sometimes hard for me to deal with anyone and feel I can’t play my “A” (Autism) card very much because sometimes, hell, my kid acts fine in public. But then he does things like take off and I can’t find him or he has hissy fits. The worst instance was when I was in Walmart. I had had it with my son’s behavior (running away from me, hiding in clothes racks and so forth) and knew we had to leave the store and he wasn’t cooperating, so I had to literally drag him across the floor. Yup, that probably looked pretty awful but it was necessary. Next I get to the entrance and he tries to bolt into the parking lot (cars driving by and all),so I had to tackle him, him kicking and screaming the whole time. I actually then had a nice experience. A man asked if I needed help. I said “sure” I was so mentally and physically exhausted at trying to tell my son you can’t run into parking lots, and he walked my son to my car holding his hand while I walked behind them both. What was worse was that I had no idea if this guy was a creep who’d steal him away or whatever, but I was so spent in trying to keep him safe that I let him. I thanked the man and then had to wrestle him into the car. I’ve written some stuff though about how I don’t want to be a bitter, combative mom, I want to just be a mom, and maybe some day I’ll finish it. Your list, and these ensuing comments, is a good example of how the ignorance of the public sometimes forces us parents to become that way. I don’t necessary want puppies, kittens, and happy joy joy joy, but PLEASE. I guess for now I’ll be careful in displaying my “Scarlet Letter” or playing that Autism card…
michele said:
they have harnesses for kids size all the way up to adult.then look into classes that teach how to restrain a person/child who self injures and/or is violent.a school that only deal with handicapped people or a group home might know.good luck,hope it helps.
Anonymous said:
I am going to print up a bunch of these to keep on me at all times. When someone wants to act ignorant, I will just be silent, and hand over a copy with a snarling smile. Hopefully they will be able to read the copy and the snarl! I will just add a ferocious growl with the snarl!
autismangel said:
This hits home. All of these I am dealing with or have dealt with and will deal with. My son has high functioning Autism, severe anxiety disorder, OCD, ADHD, epilepsy,SPD, seeing a psychiatrist along with his many medical issues.
I really appreciate the above comments from the teacher and other professionals. My whole life has been and will be devoted to advocating for my son. I can’t wait for the day the professionals & schools are on the same team!! lol
Thank you for saying this! Its not only awesome, its true!! 🙂
Anonymous said:
My youngest is 15 and on the mild end of the spectrum. My hats off to those who deal with the tougher end of this. I think what saves me is that she is my youngest and I am older.
Anyway, LOVED the list. She used squirm and fight if you buckled her into the grocery cart, but would sit perfectly well if you didn’t. So, I didn’t. Yeah, you can imagine the jerks who felt compelled to comment….
My favorite answer to people?
“Apparently KIND is a 4 letter word to you.”
Jacky Quarnstrom Smith said:
I always responded to stupid with “I’m sorry if her behavior disturbs you, but she’s working on managing her autism. What’s your excuse?”
Carrie Lancon said:
I have a child with ADHD, ODD, Turrets, and Asthma so I have had to deal with a lot of ignorant people.I am not the only one who will go off on you so will my MIL and SIL and trust me you don’t want to piss us all off.For those of you who said why did God give me a child who has problems especially severe problems I like to look at it like he did not gives us the children but he gave us to the children because he knew we would love them unconditionally and would fight for them and have unending patience.It is never easy but I respect any parent who not only deals with their child’s problem but for putting up with asshats and ignorant morons that have no clue how difficult it is to take care of and teach a child with special needs especially in a world were so many do not and never will understand what we as parents of special kids go through especially because of society’s stupidity and ignorance and insensitivity.All I can say is Lord help those who piss us mama’s off.Mamas are naturally protective but even more so when your child is special.
Carrie Lancon said:
I have a child with ADHD ODD Turrets Asthma so I have had to deal with a lot of ignorant people.I am not the only one who will go off on you so will my MIL and SIL and trust me you don’t want to piss us all off.For those of you who said why did God give me a child who has problems especially severe problems I like to look at it like he did not gives us the children but he gave us to the children because he knew we would love them unconditionally and would fight for them and have unending patience.It is never easy but I respect any parent who not only deals with their child’s problem but for putting up with asshats and ignorant morons that have no clue how difficult it is to take care of and teach a child with special needs especially in a world were so many do not and never will understand what we as parents of special kids go through especially because of society’s stupidity and ignorance and insensitivity.All I can say is Lord help those who piss us mama’s off.Mamas are naturally protective but even more so when your child is special.
Anonymous said:
Much of this has hit close to my heart. With 2 children with autism (now 10 & 11 years old), I feel like an expert but still have so much to learn. I usually tell (educate) anyone who will listen about autism. I take the boys out in public often and have experience much of this but am suprised by how many others also are connected to an autistic experience. Be it the cashier yesterday at walmart that said her most rewarding job was giving swimming lessons to children with autism or the old lady at the yard sale that gave us suggestions for sensory toys. Not all folks are negative but they do outweigh the positive. It’s hard to understand our lives, as “autistic moms” unless you have been there and lived it!
Celticnurse1973 said:
Once after a marathon meltdown in wal-mart, the Mecca for meltdowns it seems. After enduring all stares and murmurings while checking out I’m trying to keep it together when this older snitty lady had trailed behind me to tell how spoiled my son is, after calmly getting him secured in the car and shutting the door I spun around on my heel and screamed” bitch today aint the day and I ain’t the one!!!” she found her car at record speed. My more calm flip out is when attended a local fair and my son was in a harness and we were holding hands, some hemp lovin hippie walks up and asks if I need to treat my child like a dog. After a stunned moment, a quietly told her that she has no clue about autism and that my son has no safety awareness and that I would rather suffer the embarrassment of other peoples ingnorance then the injury or loss of my child and now I would like to suffer the loss if you from my presence. This was all said in my quiet controlled voice, which for those who know me, if I’m yelling, youre still safe, if not …… RUN!!!!!
michelle2683 said:
My son has the worst meltdowns in Target. Yes, in Walmart it seems we get the most comments towards my son from elderly men, they tell us we should smack our kid in the head (really? I don’t think so…such ignorance and NOT a helpful solution). I tell them he has Autism and they look at me like huh? THIS is WHY we need more Autism Awareness!
Susie Alexander said:
Thanks for this. And for the image commentary. So true. After years of fighting for, defending, staying up all night with and generally holding my son’s corner, I divorced his dad and instantly became the ’cause’ of his autism – apparently because I am a ‘bad’ mom, according to my ex. He spent so much time focussed on he had to ‘win’ the fight with me he couldn’t see the damage being done to his boy.
So it was me who eventually realised he’d never give up until I let him ‘win’. My son believes I don’t love him because I stepped out, to save him any more emotional abuse and the impact on his already fragile mental health. Daddy is a total hero, of course.
This would be the bloke who never got up to his son, allowed me to go into all the meetings with schools pretty much solo, to argue for assessments, go to the hospital appointments, insist on improved understanding for my boy, talked him ‘down’ from all sorts of pickles, regularly just ‘dumped’ work when my son ran away from school, lived with all the breakages (oh yeah, and paid for them too, since ex was so workshy he couldn’t hang on to a job, for all the time taken ‘sick’, when he was just lying on the sofa feeling sorry for himself).
So for all the reasons given and the fact that we’ve already typically sacrificed so much of ourselves and our lives – lay off!!
(I feel better now, thanks) 🙂
Anonymous said:
LOve #2 ….helps me to know im not alone 🙂 and is tear jerking aswell. Thank you !!!!!
Pennie said:
I am not an autism mom, I am (sadly) not even a mom, but I am an elementary teacher and I take my hat off to everyone out there raising a kid, with autism or not. I can hand “my” kids back at the end of the school day, go home and chill, you guys live with them 24/7. That makes you truly truly special and deserving of our overwhelming gratitude for being such amazing people. All kids are amazing individuals. they all add to this world we live in, and they ALL deserve to be respected for who they are, the same way everyone should be treated.
Stephanie said:
This is great! I have cards I give to people that have something to say, asking them to “please be patient, this young person has autism”. I want some cards with these reasons on, so much better lol!
Nancy Davis said:
I am NOT an autism mom, but I want to kick the asses of all these idiots that would presume to say these things to you. My God, whatever happened to having compassion and love for your fellow man, especially children? Be assured that should I EVER hear such things in my vicinity, I will gladly join in with the Autism mom or dad that is being attacked. BOOO to asshats, and YAY to all you hard working mothers and dads with kids who so sorely need you to be their spokespersons!
Heather said:
I got “the look” today from an old lady at the grocery store as I was trying to convince my son that he didn’t need to take his reading on the blood pressure machine 85 times while I waited in line for a prescription. Some people just don’t deserve an explanation.
michelle2683 said:
OMG…I see now that WE ALL live the same lives…my son does the same thing with the blood pressure machine! AND it’s ALWAYS the ELDERLY who are the CRUEL one’s…I love old people but some are NASTY and will just tell me to smack my kid… UGH!
Ann said:
. Bravo, Mom!
Elyn said:
I worked with children with autism for about a year and a half, before, during, and after my undergrad internship. You moms are amazing. Your children are lucky to have you standing up for them. I learned so much from the mothers of the group. So, thank you to them and thank you to you!
Serena Roycroft said:
“I’m sorry, I’m too busy fighting Autism to fight your ignorance, have a nice day”
Juta Wants Oscar'sLaw said:
I think that when it comes to words, you know they are offensive if many people are saying, “I find that offensive”. I personally don’t find ‘fucktard’ offensive, but I can tell it is offensive because many people in my community (that being the community of Autism Spectrum parents) tell me that they are offended by it. It’s not my place to try to change their minds. I show respect for their feelings by not using it.
j said:
My favorite is when I explain to someone that my son is acting this way because he has autism and they ask what his special power is. No he can’t count cards like Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man, he doesn’t have “special powers”.
Or the random people that try to talk to him as he’s flapping in the shopping cart and are offended when he doesn’t respond.Don’t accuse me of raising a rude kid. If he responded to you I would be dancing down these damn aisles.
Laura Kay LaSalle said:
yep. i hate when people use “rainman” as an example of what autism is like. the person that movie is based on wasn’t even on the spectrum.
my son’s special powers are running like the wind, superhuman strength (esp when trying to remain naked) and poop art. top that! 🙂
Alpha Lewis said:
The problem that I have with the movie is that they take EVERY stereotype and shove it into one character! I have met many kids with Autism and I have NEVER met one with every trait!! STUPID HOLLYWOOD!!!
Laura Kay LaSalle said:
it was based on kim peek, who had FG Syndrome and was never diagnosed with autism, or any disorder on the spectrum.
although I have seen some pretty cool memorization stuff with my husband and son, I am not about to take either of them to vegas and bet the house.
Alicia Kenyon Champ said:
POOP ART!!!! LOFL THAT IS PRICELESS!!!!!
Ashley said:
What you should tell them is to watch Temple Grandin. I love that movie my 7 year old brother is autistic and when I came home last year my mother stepfather and I all watched it together. Rainman is a D-list movie compared to this movie. My mother loved it so much she bought a copy of it just for my brothers teachers as he goes threw school. Every year before school My mother and stepfather meet my brothers new teacher and the teacher is not only encouraged to watch it by them but also by the special ed teacher.
Alpha Lewis said:
Something that I am dealing with right now is my daughter’s competitive cheer team is dressing in pink for every practice in October…they have NEVER done anything for Autism Awareness in the 4 years that we have been there. I put on my page that I am not dressing my daughter in pink…I’ll dress her in puzzle pieces and all hell broke loose!! Everytime I take my son into the gym he gets dirty looks from the moms with the “perfect” kids!! Those ignorant people need autism awareness…our daughters don’t even have breasts yet!! But they see Autism all the time! When I brought it to the coach’ s attention she said that it’s because there is no national ribbon for autism. After being my daughter’s coach for 3 years…she has never once been curious enough to google it?! STUPID BITCH!!! UGH!!!! Sorry…had to vent…I hope this is a safe place to do so!! 🙂
Laura Kay LaSalle said:
april is the official autism awareness month… blue seems to be the popular color for that. perhaps you can help organize something to take place that month?
and p.s. the coach is a moron. the blue puzzle piece is very well known(even if some people do not like the organization it belongs to)
Alpha Lewis said:
April is autism month but..In all of our homes I bet…Autism Awareness is everyday! 🙂 After the way she treated me, my daughter, and my son…this will be my daughter’s last year there! There are far too many better gyms around who have special needs teams..this one refuses to! Bye Bye Wildcats….Hello Brandon All Stars! 🙂
Laura Kay LaSalle said:
sounds like a good plan. i swear people act like autism is contageous sometimes.
I’m pretty aware of it, and I bet you are too lol.
Alpha Lewis said:
too aware and my husband and I are a year away from being ESE teachers…we’re really sadists!! LOL!!
Rachel said:
This is pure GOLD!!! I love it!!! and I am possibly sending a copy to everyone I know. From one autism mother to another, love your work x
Alpha Lewis said:
Ok…this is my first post here…I just found this and my son is 13!!! I have been up and down the hill…here is the one that stands out!! My son was in boy scouts a couple of years ago. The woman who helped run the outings was a ridiculous woman with a redheaded son who she named roberto!!! anyway…she was playing with my daughter during a weekend campout and after Cody refused to eat his camp food she said that God blessed me Madelyn, my daughter, because he cursed me with Cody…the result was not pretty…I’m a BITCH!!! I went OFF!! I could not believe the words that came out of that woman’s mouth…if my husband did not pull me back…I would be in jail!! I wanted to KILL HER!! “/
Laura Kay LaSalle said:
while visiting a local park with a few other special needs classmates, a mom at the park who said to her friend “what is it retard day at the park today?” I turned around and said “well, they let you in…”
Alpha Lewis said:
WTF?!!! And are you writing this from your jail cell? I would be!! OMG!!!!
j said:
Ha! If she was, I would gladly contribute to her legal fund.
Alpha Lewis said:
me too!!
Rileysmom1204 said:
Me three!
Laura Kay LaSalle said:
haha thanks. i think embarrassed her so bad she left. or she didn’t like sharing the park with downs and autie kids. “WE OUTNUMBER YOU!!” that is generally what i try to do to people like that, embarrass or shame them.
Celticnurse1973 said:
Good for you!!!!
deborama said:
Sentiments so brutally honest that I laughed maniacally in my sleep deprived state.
Still, as I say to nearly everyone I run across who uses “retarded”, or its derivative in combination or alone, as a derogatory remark…
“There are some people who would find that offensive.”
Yes. The word retard is a verb meaning, “to hold back”, however it has been embedded in the our culture as a derogatory remark. When we commonly use words that degrade a group of people, our actions as a society tend to reflect such disregard.
Yesterday in my home town, the murdered body of an intellectually disabled adult woman was found in the bushes. What do you want to bet the two people charged in the murder called her “tard”, “retard”, or “fucktard” before they killed her?
Just think about the power of the words you use.
btw… to the woman responding earlier, I wouldn’t cite the Urban Dictionary in defense of a semantic definition. You wouldn’t want to cite Wikipedia as your sole source of valid information, right? Urban Dictionary is the same thing.
That shit’s just made up by some fucker somewhere.
Anonymous said:
I haven’t experienced any verbal issues but alot of stares from people. I had a friend who experienced a ignorant person at the park. Here in BC we have a CanucksAutismSoccar Program that is run by Vancouver Canucks. Well a parent came in crying and I was like whats the matter. She says she took her son to the park this morning and he really likes looking at trees and he is non-verbal so he screams in excitement and flaps his hands and a guy walking by goes to her can’t you but him on a leash or dig him six feet under. She was in shock and she didn’t know what to say. If that person said that to me about my child I would beat the shit out of him. And go to him you know that KARMA will come a get you and you will experience what we experience day in and day out every single day. I was so pissed that day, I actually wanted to go that park and find this guy. Why should we stay quite and who give them the right to judge. To be honest everyone I have meant have been understanding and they want to know more about the disorder but I know I will meet that one asshole one day. This site is the best .
Quixotic said:
Love this, I’m an autism Aunty (and have been in a few shopping centre spats myself) and am sending this on asap.
You guys rock!!
Clara Staffa Geoghegan said:
You write: “These people who attack us are horrible because they have no empathy. They’re shallow people who probably lead miserable lives devoid of depth and meaning.”
Sounds as though the person themselves is Aspie – no empathy, etc, etc They just don’t get it.
TG (@outoutout) said:
Cue all the horror stories… I’ve totally been there, too. I think my worst experience was taking my oldest son to get his immunisations and being *screamed at* by a child health nurse, who apparently didn’t think I was doing a good enough job keeping him from flapping. She was so nasty that I left in tears, and had to file a formal complaint.
TATT (Tired All The Time) Syndrome… yeah, me, too. Can’t go out? Can’t do a lot of the things we’d like? Same, same.
However….I must say that every time I’ve gone off on someone (and there have been a few), I always regret it afterwards. So I really can’t condone tit-for-tat rudeness. As someone earlier said, it only makes the jerks feel justified for being dismissive of your kids. Educate if you can; if not, there’s no shame in walking away. Sometimes that’s the best you can do, for your own sanity…
Bev said:
If only I had had these words twenty years ago. I love this and I love you all!
Krystale said:
This is awesome!
Accidental Expert said:
I really needed to read this post today. You gave me a good chuckle and truer words were never spoken.
Dahlia said:
Im all choked up aftet reading your Reasons. Thank you for being here for me tonight as I am trying to get my 9 yrar old daughter to sleep… aftet 2 baked potatos and oatmeal. its 11pm. and if course the anxirtyof another night of hopibg to get a full nights sleep. love you, dear, dear mom, friend… through my tears.
Sheri Lee said:
I wish my daughter could say this to people who are insulting to her:
I’m autistic. I’m learning to deal with my issues, and I’m getting better.
You, however, will always be as ignorant as you choose to be.
I’d rather be autistic.
Sharina said:
Its awesome when my 10 yr old son tells rude people (especially family) “i’m autistic, whats your problem”
Jane said:
I had a friend call me the other day and tell me I was getting fat. That I was way to pretty to be fat… Like Seriously??? Fat is the last thing on my mind. I am that sleep deprived mom. Everynight I am living Groundhogs Day… the Newborn stage where you are up every three hours wondering how did I get here?? I wanted to explode… go into a rage.. and I did… in my head at least… my big fat head. I honestly was afraid of my own anger to say anything out loud.
Sheri Lee said:
Aww {{{hugs}}}
Someone at work asked me once, “Why are you so mellow, you never get stressed by anything!”
I laughed.
Working part time retail is a vacation. And I’ve learned that life is too short, time is too precious, to waste it on people that don’t improve our lives in some way. As parents of autistic children, we have learned strength, forgiveness, patience (OMG patience), humor, religion (please please please let them wear clothes in public) maturity, and how to be a child again. We love it, and we sometimes hate it. But we OWN it. And they will never have that, and they will never understand that.
Parents, you are Saints. No matter what someone tells you to bring you down, remember this: someone loves you. Someone needs you. You are IMPORTANT.
Take a breath.
And another.
Now smile 🙂
Jane said:
AMEN!!! One thing that has really been awesome about this experience is my fellow Special Needs Moms are some of the best people I wouldv’e never had in my life if it wasn’t for this journey!
Eileen A said:
Thank you! I go to work as my respit. I could talk to adults, have a honest-to-God conversation! I relax there. Work hard? Never at work – only at home. I agree with all of the above, except the anger. I got over that long ago (she’s 20 now) It did happen, but I made peace. I would not trade my life for any other – If it wasn’t for my daughter I would be the Asshat…
Sheri Lee said:
Retarded, before it became twisted to a derogatory term, meant delayed. Physically retarded, emotionally retarded….Heck, my pajamas are treated with fire retardant chemicals, that makes my pajamas flame retarded!
Fucktard, when you take ‘fuck(er)’ to mean something more insulting than asshat but along the same lines, (ie: jerk, but oh so much more so) would mean someone so much of a jerk that they could be called disabled by it. LOL and that’s your lesson in slang. (I think asshat is kinda funny, actually…mental images….)
Personally, I’ve always taught my kids that they could say whatever they wanted – but people only say “swear words” because they can’t think of anything intelligent to say, and how do you want people to think of you? And my kids don’t swear.
Using foul language doesn’t convey a bad attitude, in my opinion. First impressions being what they are, show me two people alike in every other way, and the well spoken person will be supposed as more intelligent than the foul mouthed one every time. You can make your point much more succinctly by taking the time to frame your thoughts, and not just spout obscenities.
Although a good long, “sailor’s curse” sure can make you feel better!
Katie M. said:
One of my personal faves? Rhys lying in the middle of a busy road at rush hour, because I wouldn’t let him run over to the park across the street. As I dragged his 115 lb. (at the time) ass across the street by the arm a lady rolled down her window and said “Is everything ok here?” Me: “No. Does it look like it? I can’t get my severely autistic child out of the street and everyone is looking at me like I am an idiot and an abuser. This sucks!” She drove away.
michelle2683 said:
I just got chills reading your comment. I know “the look” too. I swear security is following us thinking we are stealing a child from stores, theme parks, etc. for when we have to restrain him or drag him out of these places kicking and screaming beyond belief…and it could be because he just simply wants to buy like ALL of the pumpkins…or a toy that’s $60 and you may already have it at home for them hidden for Christmas, etc. But YES, it would be nice if we were HELPED rather than GLARED AT and stared at. I have been driven to tears in some of those situations and it leaves me feeling so embarased like I have no control anymore over my growing child.
solodialogue said:
OMG! I want to tattoo this on my body!!! THIS IS THE BEST POST EVER!!! Thank you for saying it all!!
Sheri Lee said:
98% of the time, I can say without reservation that my autistic daughter has been the greatest teacher in my life, that she is constantly showing me the world in ways I never thought to look at it before. And I love that about her.
The other 2% of the time she is incredibly annoying because I really can’t have another “conversation” about Pokemon, NeoPets, glitches, video games or comics. Especially when that’s the answer to oh…anything else. I hate that her rigidity has taken a lot of the fun out of family activities, my husband and I haven’t seen a movie together since she was born, we have to go in shifts. (she’s 12 now) Besides, I’d probably fall asleep, sitting still for that long.
The best unexpected ally I’ve found lately? The customer service staff at United airlines, who have an Autism Awareness Program, for people that are flying with autistic children. We were met at each stop along the way, and they had special ‘quiet’ rooms for us in the terminals (handicapped waiting areas with attendants), with single restrooms.
Most recent asshat to rant about? HER TEACHER. She was staying after one day to make some missed work up, and for the last year and a half, had always been allowed to text me when to pick her up, and anything else I should know, and to have her MP3 player and headphones on – during after school stuff. This teacher decided she wanted to have a Controlling Moment, and said “you can’t have those, give them to me” and tried to physically take them away. It’s in the IEP that you can’t touch her things or she WILL have a meltdown. My daughter stashed her things in her bookbag instead. Later, she overheard the teacher “yelling at [the special ed teacher] and she said, Is it because she’s “SPECIAL”?? I don’t care if she’s in your program or not…”
“Special” and not in the nice sense of the word. In the derogetory sense. In the “I think kids with learning disabilities are stupid” sense. She’s not in that class anymore. I didn’t trust myself to speak to anyone in person – the whole thing was handled via email, where I could screen what I said 4 or 5 times until I was polite.
What else about autism? Yeah, I’m tired. I go to bed exhausted, I wake up exhausted. When people ask me about myself and what I’m interested in, I draw a blank. I haven’t had a chance to really think about it.
Ellen said:
With all do respect I do not believe you for one minute that you have NEVER been angry about your child having autism…
TG (@outoutout) said:
I’m not “Anonymous” above, but I can say with absolute certainty that I have never been angry that my boys are autistic. Of course, I’m autistic too, so that puts an entirely different spin on things… but the point is, just as autism is a spectrum, so too are the emotional responses. 🙂
Anonymous said:
I’m going to have to disagree with a few things here. First of all, I’m not angry that my child isn’t “who he is supposed to be”. My child is every bit the person he is supposed to be. I’m angry that others would think otherwise just because he has a different (but never lesser) way of communicating. Yes, it can be a struggle to relate to him, as it can be with any typical child as well, but I am NEVER angry that my child is autistic. I’m angry that others can’t accept him for who he is. Also, the use of the word “fucktard” is incredibly offensive. Calling someone a “tard”, especially as the parent of a child with a developmental disability, is horrifying and cruel.
Tim said:
A lot of us aren’t with it enough to have gotten past all our original visions for what our child’s life and our family’s life would be like given that’s all different now with autism as part of our story. I’m not going to put words in anyone’s mouth about what they mean by anger, but I get so frustrated sometimes that it boils over as a bunch of unfocused anger at the cosmos and whatever else is nearby. It’s really anger at certain mean people and, yes, myself for feeling like a crappy parent. (My sons are perfect the way they are. I, on the other hand, feel like a loser.) But that easily runs over as anger at autism, the universe, and everything. I’m generally at some relative peace with the important things in our life, but I’m not yet whatever it takes to be better than that.
Yeah, the -tard thing needs to go.
Erica said:
I understand your knee-jerk reaction to the term, because you see “-tard” in the word, but perhaps you both are not aware that this term has actually been cultivated as a response to the R-word? It is an empowerment term of sorts, meant to reflect back on the stupidity of those who would use the R-word or exhibit hateful and intolerant attitudes towards our precious children.
Tim said:
I’m not knee-jerking. Language is one of my fixations, so I probably ponder stuff like this more than is healthy. It’s perhaps being cultivated by some as a word of empowerment, but R-Word/Special Olympics and a variety of others would presumably disagree with the idea that it’s not part of a broader word family of a large handful of words ending in -tard of which ‘retard’ is the origin.
From Special Olympics: “The r-word, “retard”, has become too commonplace in society. Retarded has even spawned new words: celebutard, a famous stupid person; debutard, a rich stupid person; e-tard, a stupid Internet user — stupid being the common denominator and “tard” a suffix and a word in itself. (“Tard: Adjective used to describe one so retarded, they do not deserve the ‘re’ ” — Urban Dictionary.)”
Obviously you’re using it in the way you think it means to you, and you certainly don’t intend to show disrespect to those we all seek to empower. All I’m saying is that there are a lot of people who feel hurt by the use of all -tard words. Given the vast array of other word options, let’s use something else. I appreciate trying to liberate its meaning, but none of us can undo the harm and negativity ‘retard’ casts over all the words that rhyme with it.
I know you meant no offense with its use, and I hope I’m not sounding like an ass here as that’s not my intent. If so, apologies.
Erica said:
Fair enough, and I truly appreciate your thoughtful response. And now I think I will duck out of these conversations from here on out, as I did not actually author the original post. 😉
Tim said:
Sorry about that. My wife and I were talking about the post and got author/commenter names confused. My bad. Trying to do too many things at once. 🙂
Rileysmom1204 said:
Erica, you keep saying it’s an “empowerment” of some sort. Maybe I’m missing something here but I don’t find it to be EMPOWERING in the least to refer to anyone with the word TARD in it. It’s a lame excuse for ignorant behavior.
When you’ve chosen to use the word “retard” (in ANY context) you are implying that the person is less than you. That somehow this person lacks the importance of being human. This also indicates that you feel a need to make yourself feel superior, smarter than, or flawless compared to someone that can not help or defend them self. The reason why this word is used is to degrade, humiliate, demean, or reduce another human being. It is also used to deprive one of self-esteem, to weaken or diminish worth of another human being.
My son is non verbal but I guarantee that he HEARS everything. I don’t want him hearing this word, period.
Avuncular Ron said:
Rileysmom, I think you’re spot on. Thank you for saying it so well.
Katrena Lee said:
Rileysmom….I respectfully disagree. My cousin was diagnosed as retarded years ago…they called him educatably retarded meaning that he could be taught but it would take much much longer for concepts to sink in. Retarded as with any word to diagnose someone with anything but perfect mental and physical functioning has gotten twisted and used in a derogatory sense but interestingly enough after in depth quizzing of my son’s developmental psychiatrist I found out that the doctors still use “retarded” and globally developmentally delayed interchangeably and the word retarded has never officially been dropped. That being said I prefer to refer to my son as cognitively challenged. Interestingly about this whole word and semantics game with ignorant bullies….the word “spastic” used to be used to refer to kids with spastic diplegia and quadraplegic cerebral palsy and bullies twisted that one around to become the word “spaz” which is equally derogatory but then somehow started applying it to kids who were cognitively challenged….I have known many kids that were “spastic” that were not cognitively challenged and I have rarely ever met a cognitively challenged child that was truly “spastic” so just more ignorance being spewed and perfectly normal words used as symptoms or diagnoses being twisted….just as bullies will find a way to twist almost everything around to hurt someone….one day the term autism will find it’s way to becoming used derogatorily and that too is exceedingly unfortunate
Rileysmom1204 said:
You’re talking about a diagnoses. I’m referring to “slang”. Two different things.
Anonymous said:
With all do respect I don’t believe you for one second that you are “never” angry that your child has autism…if that is true then you are probably slightly off yourself
dailyautism said:
First off, it’s “due respect.” Second, it doesn’t make an insult any less insulting,
Why would you say this to someone? In what way are you qualified to judge whether or not someone has come to terms with their situation? If you can’t move past anger in the grief cycle, and someone else can, that makes them “off”? I think not.
Abbysmom said:
I totally agree, I love my child the way she is and couldn’t imagine her any other way. She’s the best person I know.
Tim said:
At the store today, I came up with a new idea for surviving public shopping trips. Go to the pharmacy area and grab any Preparation H product and put it in your cart (or somewhere your child won’t try to open it and eat it). If someone pisses you off, take the Preparation H out of your cart and hand it to them. At which point you can either say, “Get off my ass!” or “Here you go, asshole.”
Brilliant post!
Tim said:
Yeah – I do take issue with the -tard part. (brain skipped over it at first because I thought it was an ad) It’s not needed to get your point across, and it’s used too often as a derogatory epithet about our kids.
Avuncular Ron said:
I can’t imagine how an angry, confrontational, in-your-face response could possibly help matters. If you respond in kind to the the idiots out there, they will only feel more justified in continuing their insensitive behaviors. Jenn’s comment (up top) sounds like she’s taking the high road. Of course, it’s hard to do that ALL the time — we have our weak moments — but when we can it’s a much better response than yelling and swearing at the idiots. That’s not going to help anything. You may think it’ll make you feel better, but it won’t. How can anyone feel better by stooping to their level??
Thanks, Jenn.
Sharon said:
Don’t agree. Sometimes a good rant at someone who showed wilful ignorance is good for you, and possibly for them too.
Carol Villars said:
i am with you 100% there are much more descriptive words that can be used and that does not exploit those with intellectual disabilities. As a mom with a daughter who has both Down Syndrome and Autism using that word around me should go to number 1 on the list of why no to piss off this mom.
dale said:
Alpha Lewis said:
Wish I had your calmness but…we all have to deal with this in our own way. I have done both but, after 13 years of living with my son who has autism I have def gone off the deep end! I do not regret a single time! 🙂 But, like I said, we are all different and we all have our means of dealing with people and nice only goes so far! Sometimes just pure stress can push me over the cliff of niceness and into the pit of raging bitch!! LOL!!!
Belinda said:
Brilliant use of words for how we feel in honest terms and as usual HILARIOUS! -Belinda
Anonymous said:
The one time I snapped: woman walked past me in a massively crowded shopping centre pre-Xmas and loudly brayed at me while my poor child was trying desperately to cope with the over-stimulation: “what THAT kid needs is a good belting!”. I calmly handed my struggling 4 year old to my mother and went after her, stopping her in front of a crowded bookshop with an apologetic smile: “Hiiii… sorry about my child totally destroying your day back there. See, thanks to my son, you now know what it looks like when an Autistic child is trying to communicate. And thanks to you, I now know what it looks like when an ignorant fucking bitch is trying to. Enjoy your fucking wormhole, you unsympathetic slag.” cheery smile and walk away with head held high. Ahhhh….
Anonymous said:
Love it! Wish I could see her face!
Alpha Lewis said:
I have done that a few times myself…..someone has to educate them!! 🙂
Cassidy said:
AWESOME!!!! I myself am not a parent of an autistic child but I do hold a special place in my heart for those of you that are. I thought being a regular mom was hard. I “stumbled upon” this page and was brought to tears… both from sadness and laughter. Ignorant and hurtful people deserve any and everything they get!!! More power to each of you women (and Men!) that has the strength to NOT kill someone! I am sorry your children were afflicted with this disease and I hope I am not offending anyone. Strenght and sleep to you all.<3
Alicia Kenyon Champ said:
This reminds me of a time I was waiting in line with my son at the grocery store. He LOVES opening and closing doors, well they had a little pop fridge at the checkout and he was using the door on that baby HARD. The little old lady in front of me turned around and told me to “GET MY CHILD UNDER CONTROL”. I smiled at her with the greatest compasion and sympathy and said as loud as possible in the very busy store, “I am sorry it must be his Autism acting up again”. The girl behind the till laughed so hard the little old lady left the line, her groceries and the store while everyone else just stared at her with disgust as she slinked away. Sometimes education is the best medicine.
jeannie said:
I am currently printing out this list to hand it to the next jerkoff that gives Nick a dirty look, calls him a retard, and tell me a bad mother because my son is 6 and can’t talk., aka MY next door neighbor whom on a constant basis ridicules me and my son. I have police reports etc, and no one seems to be able to shut her up. 😦
Aaronsmommy said:
She should have a harressment charge at least… no one deserves that… My son Doesn’t understand why we use language and his words consist of items and thats it like cat dog …. But in todays society who wants to talk… usually the things coming out of peoples mouths are rude and cruel…. My son is more caring and loving then most kids I know and I would rather him this way then calling people names ad hurting peoples feelings.. I LOVE MY SON JUST THE WAY HE IS!!!! scream that at her next time she has a comment…
Mrs. Sergeant Major said:
SPOT. ON.
Rileysmom1204 said:
Being an autism mom in the trenches I feel I’ve earned the right to say…Take down that ridiculous picture using the word FUCKTARD. I have issue with the word retard and that means the word “fucktard” falls within that category. All in all, great post except for the pic. I have had family members, friends and complete strangers call my son “retard” to his face. I think as parents of children that fall under the umbrella of “special needs” the picture ignorant and shameful.
Number 6 reason you should never piss off an autism mom…the word Retard will get you knocked out straight cold by THIS autism mama.
Rileysmom1204 said:
Anything with the word “tard” at the end means one thing and one thing only…it means the person being called a (insert word )”tard” is being referred to as retarded in some way, shape or form. It’s ok, everyone can keep using it as a descriptive word for anyone and anything they find stupid but guaranteed, I’m one of those PISSED OFF AUTISM MOM’S and don’t be surprised (any body not referring to you Erica) if a left hook comes flying out of no where. Especially if I had already asked nicely for the word not to be used around me or my child. I find ANY reference to the word disgusting and degrading and I thought when people grew up they moved passed name calling with childish ignorance. I was wrong I guess. Yep, not only am I a pissed off autism mom but sometimes I feel like slugging someone just for shit’s and giggles. Talk about a pissed off autism mom huh???
cub said:
You son is fucking RETARDED, bitch!!!!
Rileysmom1204 said:
Yep, this coming from the person who is unable to spell. Did it give you a warm fuzzy to come on here and make that statement? I sure hope it did. You have a wonderful day there, peaches.
Pssst….you’RE exactly correct….I AM a bitch and perfectly fine if “earning that name” means I stuck up for my child.
Anonymous said:
Seriously “Cub”. Wtf is wrong with you?? ????? Go. Away. Troll.
Anonymous said:
And that is why you use a picture of a faceless, hartless reaper in your profile. You are the person we all here on this post are talking about. Soon, you will be the one who will have all us autism parents kicking your ass because of your stupidity.
What comes around goes around.
margarita mom said:
I know you are but what am I
I know you are but what am I
Please, Cub, make sure you have adult supervision when you use the internet.
Anonymous said:
Just to play devil’s advocate, if you are going to be concerned with the use of words like fucktard or retard, then don’t call yourself an ‘autism mom.” Anyone who knows anything about the use of language in the special ed world knows that you are putting the disability before the child with that phrasing. You should instead say mom of a child who has autism/is autistic.
If you are going to scream about the use of language, then you need to embrace it ALL, not just the parts that you do/don’t like.
For the record, I am a special education teacher, and I still use the word retardation where applicable. Mainly because I have been doing it for so long that when I received my degree, that was the proper terminology, but also because, in it’s truest sense, mental retardation and individuals who are mentally retarded do in fact exist. But society has bastardized the term and made it in to a slur. But I think it should be noted that there are occasions that the word is used in it’s truest sense (and it’s original meaning) without the intent to degrade; when that is done, I have no problems with the word whatsoever.
Carol Villars said:
“Just to play devil’s advocate, if you are going to be concerned with the use of words like fucktard or retard, then don’t call yourself an ‘autism mom.” Anyone who knows anything about the use of language in the special ed world knows that you are putting the disability before the child with that phrasing. You should instead say mom of a child who has autism/is autistic.”
Oh please!!!!!!!! There is nothing degrading about using the call name autism mom, however, there is something very degrading about fucktard, retard, and any word used to degrade our children. Why should we have to say 8 more words? Oh so it’s ok for you to pick and choose what words but you call out the parents of children with these disabilities on what name they chose to use? how interesting. We are moms to autism because we live with it 24/7, it’s part of our child so yes we are Autism Moms and Dads, But in the future I do think everything should be changed so that no uses words like athletes, they should be referred to as people who are athletic. Right?
Anonymous said:
I was merely trying to make a point regarding the language that some people are using. If you believe that calling yourself an autism mom or dad is fine, by all means continuing calling yourself that. But I can promise you that you will eventually run in to someone who finds it degrading to refer to their child as an autistic child. My point was that if you are going to call people out for using terminology that does in fact still exist (mental retardation is in the DSM), then you need to own all of the language and use all of it appropriately. . While ‘you’ may not find it inappropriate to call a child with autism an autistic child, you need to be sensitive of the fact that someone else may find that insensitive. Just as you have found any use of the word retard insensitive.
And your idea of removing the use of the word athletes in relation to this is like comparing apples to oranges.
trishasmom said:
you are so full of sanctimonious crap. I don’t go along with all the Pc crap because to be honest I have more important things to worry about such as her health, well-being and what will become of her when I am not here to protect her than what name someone choose to call themselves. I don’t have time to play the PC name game.
allmykidshaveaspergers said:
@Aaronsmommy, you are so right, that sure sounds like a serious disbility to me, maybe we should cancel the word ‘disability’ and change it to ‘illness’, that way people like Steve would actually recognise it. @Steve, It is such a hard line, you fight (there you go Steve) to get your child recognised for what they can do and frame their experiences and abilities as being different, not an illness, then someone like you,Steve, comes along and makes you realise you don’t have credibility as a disability. I get this a lot with Asperger’s issues, but if everything is so great why do I have to homeschool my son with above average IQ? Well, because of serious bullying, because the school system thinks if he has Asperger’s it is enough for him to go to school, we don’t have to worry about him passing, that the school system let him have a serious breakdown, didn’t offer the support he needs, doesn’t recognise the support he needs…do I go on. And, I have it good, because he doesn’t have medical issues as well, or IQ issues. He DOES have very bad OCD (there you go Steve, a MENTAL ILLNESS, am I allowed to be upset now?) I am not upset at the moment, I am doing fine, my son is doing fine. He will always have serious anxiety, depression issues, and OCD, these things will affect his ability to work, and my husband and I worry about his future, with good cause, because he can’t do basics. I have 3 KIDS WITH ASPERGER’S, but it’s no biggy, so leave us alone Steve, if we want to talk to people who understand the issues we have in society. Compared to others on this forum, my life is a piece of pie…but I am mad at you on their behalf. You don’t need to beat downtrodden people down further by telling them to rise about their realities and lives, it makes you look like un unempathetic person: had a diagnosis for Asperger’s lately? (No, my aspie kids would never do something like that to people in emotional pain, as the people on this forum plainly are, Steve.)
Anonymous said:
there are lots of word that end in “tard,” off the top of my head leotard, just saying…
Aussie said:
Why would the blog owner allow the post made by “Cub” to remain? Does anyone not think the way I do and see this entire blog post as a bit of sarcasm coming from a “normal” parent? As in they have possibly been on the receiving end of a nut job Autism parent? and now with the photo first and I have to agree with Rileysmom1204 why post a picture using that disgusting word? sorry but us Autism parents usually hate that and would never use such a word. Then comes along Cub and her post stands, not deleted, why would you allow such a comment to stay? Sorry, but another thing Autism Mothers or Parents are good at or have is paranoia and suspicion and my little paranoia detectors are going off right now.
Avuncular Ron said:
I agree. Take the comment down.
Lisa said:
Seriously? Yes, you’re on to me. I’m not really a mother of autistic children. I’m really a troll that was once on the receiving end of a “nut job” autism mom and I have devoted the last two years of my life developing this fake online persona so that one day I could write this blog and get back at all of you. You caught me. Well done.
Also, I think you might need a good night’s sleep even more than I do.
I actually modified the caption on the photo before I went to bed last night. I personally find nothing offensive about the work “fucktard” and certainly never intended to insult anyone. I hope the modification will put the focus back of the blog’s desired message, awareness of the insensitivity we face of a recurring basis. I also hope it won’t offend those individuals who chose to wear asses as hats.
As for the douche bag comment left by “cub”, I’ve decided to let it stand, partly as an unedited testament to the ignorant assholes we battle with every day and partly because “Rileysmom1204” rightfully told him to shut the hell up and I would hate to delete that satisfaction away from her.
Cathy said:
yes, it’s people like ‘cub’ that we have to deal with everyday. and if they are going to put their foot in their mouth, that’s their problem, and just maybe, by seeing a thread like this, they will come to their senses. not likely, but i still hope.
Rileysmom1204 said:
Actually Lisa, I’m ok with it staying. It’s exactly what I was talking about, the use of the word in ANY context gives them (trolls) something to stand on. I realize I may be giving the word to much power but I really HATE that word. I had a friend say it today when describing someone that they work with. This person knows how I abhor that word and yet used it anyways. It just tells me that she uses it in her everyday language but goes out of her way not to say it front of me. Great but it doesn’t help any when she’s using it and not understanding WHY I asked her not to use it. I told her to think of it this way (please understand that I’m using a reference to prove a point). If my child were black would you call him the “N” word? NO, because it’s derogatory and disgusting. I know she felt bad when she said it and she did apologize for it. Perhaps NOW she’ll understand why. Perhaps not. BTW, my child is so white he’s see-through. Has to do with all of his medical issues that go along with his autism. This was the first year he actually tanned a bit.
I appreciate that you modified the picture Lisa. I just want people to understand what the word means to a person that has special needs. It’s not funny, “empowering” or anything positive. Thanks.
trollsy said:
I sorta agree with you….I cringe when I hear someone say “retard” because it is just so cruel and serves no real purpose other than to demean someone with special needs.Fucktard,however,is a word I use frequently to describe people who are basically dicks….rude people,etc.
Anonymous said:
I have to remember this. A new word I can use on some people who drive me insane.
Scott said:
Who made you queen bitch? If she wants to use fucktard so be it. Why should she take it down because a nobody in Ohio said so?
Autism Daddy said:
Love it!!! Most of it applies to some of us Autism Daddies as well. 🙂
Anonymous said:
This whole thing hit home…but the pants part has me laughing…that’s my daily battle.
Bernice M. Olivas said:
Hat’s off to ya man! It’s mine too. My little guy is king of the full moon… it’s a adventure!
LizCoyne said:
Here too. We’ve gotten to the point we can keep the pants on in public, so this is good right! well of course he still can’t keep his hands out of them, but why can’t anyone else see the HUGE advances we’ve made. He’s just self-soothing!
Anonymous said:
I thought #4 was just me. I have cut off ties with many people who just don’t understand. They are not bad people, but just hearing them say everything will be alright was enough to set me off. It’s easier not having too many relationships. I’ve become a lousy friend and too tired to deal with it.
Lisa said:
Definitely not just you. I think it’s pretty common actually.
Sharon said:
Definately not alone. Wine is my best friend. Never lets me down.
Alpha Lewis said:
I cut off a cousin who told everyone not to tell me that he was having a birthday for his son because he didn’t want my son to ruin it!! FUCK HIM!!
Aaronsmommy said:
I went to my Cousins sons birthday and his mother in law called my son disgusting because he was running around… All I said he has his reasons but what happened to your nasty looking face?
Libby brown said:
God this is me sooo much ,to whoever wrote this , I feel like I’m related to you.
I love my girl , she’s intense, impulsive , repetitive , annoying ,loud, incompregendable, crudely truthful, the list goes on , but most of all I love her to bits and she’s mine ! , so to all those people who think they know everything , think again ! You’re weak and pitiful and you’re the one that society should shun , because in every autistic person whether they be big or small is no pretense , not like those fucktards that wechew up and spit out, I’v
I ve just lost a friendship because of lack of communication , !!! She’s got severe language disorder , dumb ass !!
DavidandSon said:
An autism Dad, who is also Mom, friend, and single caregiver. I with you ladies, I KNOW. I’ve learned to quickly detect those who ‘get it’, and those who don’t ‘get it.’ I ‘ve learned not to explain to anyone who doesn’t ‘get it’, because they never will, and will just look at you like you’re just a poor parent who desperately needs parental skills training. These who don’t ‘get it’ will just stare in total disgust, however, I’ve learned to ignore them completely. Us Autism Parents share a common bond, that most will never know – and, that is an unyielding deep love with compassion, and an inert rage to want to protect our children from the vicious ‘don’t get its’. All the best to you who share this bond, and I commend those non-autism parents or people who just simply ‘get it’, and extend courtesy, and the slightest bit of compassion.
Sharon said:
Great stuff. My anger must be written all over my face some days because no one has had the balls to take me on about my son…yet. I must look like I’m constantly in the mood for a fight 🙂
Alicia Kenyon Champ said:
LOL!!! This made me laugh so hard because that is me…:-) I walk around with this “Just Give me a Reason!” look on my face and people part like the Red Sea….LOL My daughter told me I am intimidating….:-) I am strangly OK with that. Thank you to all the parents who are here for each other. It is nice to have somewhere to turn in time of crisis. Our kids are not the only ones who have meltdowns, we need somewhere safe to meltdown too, oh and drink copious amounts of wine….:-)
Sharina said:
This is great. I laughed so hard. My son has told me that no one wants to mess with me. He said I can be “wicked awesome scarey” when someone says something about him or his brothers. All 3 of them are high functioning. I smile when he tells me that. But sometimes after dealing with particular jerkwads I have been known to get back in the car and cry (after the kids have been dropped at school). I have been educational, loud, rude back, all of it. But my favorite is when my now 10 yr old was 7 and told some old biddy to leave mom alone he had autism and she should be nice to me. I didnt even know he had been listening to me rant that i wish people would just leave me alone and be nice. I cried I was so happy. On top of having the 3 boys I am a full time college student (and I’ll be 38 next week) and on my backpack I have several buttons for autism awareness. And I always joke that as long as I have my caffeine everyone is safe 🙂 It also helps that I have an awesome boyfriend who is understanding supportive and excepts the boys as they are and defends them against everything.
Jennie B said:
I’m laughing and crying all at once. But I guess that’s nothing new either 🙂
Lisa said:
That’s what we do here. And drink. Don’t forget to have a drink.
Samantha said:
YES!!! Me, too!! No. 2 especially left me in tears and giggles!!! No one ever talks about the anger. I thought I was just an anger bitter person!!! 🙂
Bobbie said:
Oh thanks for the laugh. So much of this is exactly how I feel a lot. I don’t often get angry but man do I want to sometimes!
Cat Lady 77 said:
dam near everyone pisses me off!!! the only great thing i can say is the wonderful people i have met virtually on here and they have been more to me in the last few months than most people have been my whole life!!! THANK YOU, GOD!!!!! you really are everything to me!!
Annemarie said:
I.LOVE.YOU.
i wrote about this almost the same but different thing here ~~~> http://you-leave-me-breadless.blogspot.com/2011/10/dear-sir-or-madam.html
Alisa Rock said:
Amen, sista.
Sunday Stilwell said:
Good God Almighty this is perfect and right on the money!!
katy robertson said:
I ache and praise and cheer for all of the Autisic parents and especially believe your Laughing through the Tears blog is more important than a therapist!
Kelly Hafer said:
Oh, sweet Jesus. Hell to the Yeah. Going through some major shit with the public school system right now. I want to make Xerox copies for the entire staff. A-fricking-men!
anna said:
I not a mum who has a child with autism but I take my hat off to all you mum dad and famlies who deal with this day to day people should not judge and ofter to help if the time and place is right so to all people who sit there and mutter things under your breath or judge you make me sick for these perents it hard enough
Rhonda Logan (@pugariffic73) said:
This is the greatest thing i’ve ever read. I am that bitter old mom of 38 that will explode in your face and go home and feel not an ounce of guilt. Better yet, i’ll go home and stew and think about the millions of other things i should’ve said and done. I welcome the fight. I dare people to test me. I don’t mind going to jail. I don’t have a career to protect, nor a job that i can’t afford to take the time away from… and god knows I need a vacation!! Why not jail? Lock me in a room where my kids and husband can NOT ask me to cook something for them. Please. Please make me assault you for being an asshat. Please.
Tequila said:
OMG!! yes!!!! can I put this on a tee shirt? It will go in with my collection of other shirts that say “my kid is autistic, what’s your excuse?” and “autistic kids rock” and “autism makes my life interesting” I would love to add one that says “give me an excuse asshat, I could use a vacation”
thefutureofhope said:
I’ll buy it if you print it 😉
Jenn said:
ME too!
Tessa said:
I want that shirt too. lol. I also want the one that says, “I love someone with autism everyday… and it makes him very uncomfortable”
Heather Hiveley said:
Wow, that hits home! And posted on my aspie daughter’s birthday. Thank you!
Meg Shade Falciani said:
My high-medical-needs Mommy friends and I have a deal. Any one of us can call one of the others, day or night, when we land in jail. That mommy will come down to the police station immediately. But she is not bringing bail money. She’s bringing pizza so we have something decent to eat while we stay there, because we are NOT coming home until the state kicks us out.
Krystale said:
LOL!!
Anonymous said:
I love this one! Mommies God gave you a hard path because He knew you could handle it and be an example to others. Sometimes that road is damned hard, but He is always with you. He will always walk beside you, and carry you when you can’t. My admiration for the loving, painful, and hearwrenching love and work you put into your child, is not appriciated. If the State had to look after these lovely children, how would they fare? I know, I have been a House Mom for several children like this. Their parents love them, but can’t cope. So to those Moms who do look after your children day in day out, God Bless you.
Anonymous said:
I hate hearing that God wouldn’t have given me more than I could handle! Grr… That is more upsetting than ignorant strangers! How insensitive…
Anonymous said:
I absolutely agree – I hate that crap, too! Know why I hate it the most? God didn’t give it to ME…he gave it to my KID! WHY?! Is there really a good reason that this all-knowing, benevolent creator would make life so hard for our children?! WHY does my child have Autism? Because shit happens, that’s why. See? I’m much more likely to rant about the holier-than-thou explanations for challenges in life than I am about the challenges themselves.
Anonymous said:
God doesn’t give you more than you can handle??? SERIOUSLY DOES SOMEONE REALLY BELIEIVE THAT??? I wouldn’t believe in a God who messed with your head that way… I wouldn’t believe in a God who said “”Hmm… let me mess with HER head and give her stress and fear and sadness and anxiety and see what she does with it”
Please tell me that YOU DON”T REALLY believe in a God that would do that.
Godmother said:
I don’t believe God did this to you or your child. Through choice, man separated himself from God. The evils and misfortunes in life are not God’s doing but we blame Him and He loves us anyway. God can help you get through it but I don’t think he’ll just magically take the adversities away. Having said that, I admire and sympathize with autism parents. Our Godson is autistic so I recognize the challenge and the anger.
Melissa Baccomo Koretsky said:
But, see people. God doesn’t give us more than we can handle and that is why we have these wonderfully autistic children. He gave them a way to see the world in a different and unique way that most people don’t understand. I have an Aspie son and he is a wonderful, yes challenging, gift. He has a way of seeing, thinking and sayting things that sometimes I wish I had more of. They are a challenge and make you want to scream sometimes, but we still love them and are blessed to have them be apart of our lives.
pams said:
Completely agree. HATE that silly comment. If god never gave anyone more than they could handle, what’s up with the people in mental hospitals? Some people get more than they can handle. Sites like this one help them handle it.
framerqueen said:
Thank you, each and every one. Sometimes it IS more than we can handle.
HomeschoolingMomMe said:
I use to hate it when I heard that too -“God doesn’t give us more than we can handle” but I have learned three things…
1) God gives us more than we can handle so that we can grow as people
2) God chooses us because we are the BEST parent for our child
and…
3) People mean to be encouraging when they say this, they do not intend to offend
Just my take 😀
HomeschoolingMomMe to 3, 1 w/ PDD
pams said:
Some people can’t “grow” into their challenges. Again, I point you to mental hospitals. Does that mean they have “Failed” to grow? NO! They were given too much to handle and the lucky ones have someone to help. The unlucky walk the streets.
An Autism mum - and proud of it ! said:
thank you ! I love this comment !!!
Anonymous said:
I love women who can find humor in the midst of chaos! Thank you!
Lisa said:
Oh my god, I love this plan. Let’s all go knock over a liquor store together and be lovers in prison. I might finally get a good night sleep!
Anonymous said:
LOL Thats the funniest thing I’ve ever heard!
Anonymous said:
NICE!!!! I’ll share jail cell with you! 😉
Karen Ballew Echols said:
This AWSOME STORY MAY have been written specifically for Moms of Children with Autism…But it pertains to MANY mothers of children w/ OTHER disabilities, I think…Unless MY now adult daughter w/ CP& DD..e t c…has gone undiagnosed…It describes me to my CORE…Although… that; pissed, angry rage is not as close to the surface, now as it used to be…Which likely means it’s just buried deeper, not that I’m over it…and that since that’s the way it is; when I DO have the occasion to need to express myself in an act of self-preservation, it’s like a bomb went off…I don’t blame myself anymore…Nor do I mourn her as the child I SHOULD have had, much either. After 23 years…She’s pretty cool just like she IS (most of the time)…I’ve also come to terms with the God, universe thing but I’m still REALLY pissed at the rest of it. The fight never seems to end, the conclusion just beyond my fingertips and I’m not sure I’ll ever be that “real…(ambitious, fashionable, sexy, competant..sudenly ran out of adjectives) person I once was, again someday. In fact I may ALWAYS be on the fringe of polite society…because no matter what type of pretty, politically correct picture you paint…Sometimes Chewing people up in little pieces is the ONLY thing that’s effective…BRAVO!!!!
And I’d wear a T-Shirt…that said…”Please make me assault you for being an asshat”…on the back it should say: “I’m a worn out Mom of a Child w/ a Disability…Got QUESTIONS?” Sounds like a fund raising opportunity…and a public education opportunity to boot…GREAT BLOG!!!
blogginglily said:
I don’t wear my yoga pants that often, actually. Oh wait. . . autism MOMS. Sorry.
Jemima said:
I have always felt so guilty about assploding on the idiots who try to ruin my day. I feel so much better now. In fact, I may just flap and skip through the grocery store, and dare someone to say anything about it. Cheers!
Anonymous said:
Ah haha me too!!
LizCoyne said:
“assploding” – love it! will adopt, great vocab lesson of the day!
Jill H Smo said:
YOU ARE A GENIUS
Cathy said:
I second that….best laugh ever!!!!
Ashley said:
Where has this blog been all my life?? I can’t believe I’m just now be finding my way here. =)
My favorite experience (favorite = still makes me want to scratch her eyes out) was when the prissy sorority girl pulled up at the mall in Daddy’s beemer with her equally prissy friend and caught one look at the frumpy mom struggling with the double stroller and the four-year-old screaming about riding the elevator. She rolled her eyes and stage-whispered to her friend, “Ugh, this is why I’m never having kids.” Awesome. This was early on in our journey and I was still meek and nonconfrontational…hadn’t yet developed that autism mom snarkiness that I so wanted. Hopefully, next time I’ll be ready!! Or just key her car. =)
Ahhh. I feel better now. Thanks for the public service!!!
Lin Lee said:
one of those if only moments …. to look at your kids, and motioning at prissy 1 & 2 say “see, that’s why YOU should think twice about having kids when YOu’re older ” 😉 😉 😉
Alpha Lewis said:
You should have taken your 4 yr old around her car with a sharpie!!! 🙂
Lovelyflowers said:
I like to think that my reply would have been, “Please don’t have children! You are not strong enough and your child would probably be abused and have to go therapy for years!”
Jenn said:
I usually go for the “education” route …. I calmly, politely and (most of the time) nicely will educate people about Autism and how it effects my own son and our family interactions with him.
Sometimes though – it doesn’t work. Some idiots are idiots no matter what.
_________________________________________________________________
I’ve had my (then) non-verbal child quip up and REPEAT ME VERBATIM when I looked at one such moron and said “stupid lady” under my breath … he repeated me, word for word AT THE TOP OF HIS LITTLE LUNGS!!!! lol
The look on her face was absolutely priceless!
Avuncular Ron said:
Jenn, I wish I’d been there to see that. it must have been priceless…
-Ron
Jenn said:
He was nearly 4 years old at the time and it had been snowing so he’d been out of school for a week … I took my boys to the play area at the local mall to get them out of the house. I was trying to wrap up nursing my baby and had told my kiddo that we have to leave in 5 minutes and then counted down form there down to ok, we have to go.
Well, he threw the mother of all fits while I’mt rying to wrangle a baby into a stroller, gather screaming autistic kid and some lady said to a friend sitting next to her “Kids like that shouldn’t be out in public” …. my kid wasn’t doing anything abnormal from what any other 3-4 year old kid might do when they don’t want to leave a fun place!
So yea, we exchanged those words and my (as I said, non-verbal at the time) said stupid lady… so proud LOL 😉 Not really… but the woman deserved it and I hope she realized what she said after we left…. it was just one of those types of ladies who just couldn’t be bothered to think before she spoke.
SympatheticButNotStupid said:
I have a significant amount of sympathy for anyone with an autistic child, and I know that there are few things more difficult than dealing with this condition on a daily basis, BUT – if your child “wasn’t doing anything abnormal from what any other 3-4 year old kid might do when they don’t want to leave a fun place”, then your child isn’t autistic, and you have a lot to learn about children.
Anonymous said:
Not all children with autism act the same way, SympatheticButNotStupid. Just thought I’d help you figure that out.
Anonymous said:
You really feel you know whether a child is autistic based on a comment?
Anonymous said:
Obviously you don’t have children. My 4 year old son, that does not have autism, would throw a huge tantrum too about leaving a fun place. Maybe you need to learn what autism is.
carine said:
Well maybe she just needs to understand what a child is…
CoopsMom said:
My 2 year old who does not have autism also throws gigantic tantrums about leaving a place he likes, from the playground to the train set at Barnes and Noble. The original poster is correct, any child at any given time can have a tantrum that is the mother of all tantrums where the stars align and they are just not going to listen to you. Unfortunately, mommies of kids with autism have the stars align several times a day. I have tremendous respect for any parent of a child with autism and I think so many people need to read and be a bit more informed about the topic before chiming in!
Tessa said:
well said CoopsMom
Anonymous said:
agreed, well said
Heather said:
Okay, just cause our kids (and in my case, myself) have autism doesn’t mean we can’t sometimes act like typical children. Sometimes we throw fits, and not a meltdown, just like anyone else when we don’t get our way. That doesn’t mean her child is any less autistic or that she doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Sheesh. (or he?).
We have enough asshats in this world beating us down-don’t beat each other up!
I was at a grocery store (Walmart actually) and I was using the motorized cart because I don’t have a vehicle in which to take my wheelchair. I can do transfers but standing/walking for longer than a few minutes is just beyond my reach at this time. I had my two boys (ages 13 and 9) with me. My oldest has Asperger’s and my youngest has classical autism like me. We’re going along the aisles and we see a new movie we’ve all been waiting to come out on disc. There I am, happily flapping away as is my youngest son. My oldest squees with excitement and chants “can we get it mom? can we get it mom? can we get it mom?” That’s when an asshat walked by. Took a look at us, shook her head and said to her companion, “that’s what wrong with society today. They closed all the asylums and now we gotta deal with them!”
I didn’t say a word but kept on flapping and saying “yes!” to my eldest until it sunk in to him that I was replying to him. I didn’t say anything to the asshat because I didn’t process what she said until much later that night during my “download” time. boy was I angry then! I still don’t know what I could’ve said to her… but you know, I’m not crazy. I’m just autistic.
aspie mom said:
try a 10 yr old with a tantrum, a bit different than a 2 yr old. Just sayin
Anonymous said:
SympatheticButNotStupid, The sad part about autism (and any disabilities)… is that the child may continue to have the ‘behaviors’ when he/she becomes an adult. It’s for LIFE…and that is where we (MOMS) have to fight til the day we die. The behavior may continue as an adult and it’s not acceptable anymore as ‘tantrums’, but as an ‘aggression’ against the community. Go check out how many autistic adults (especially higher functioning that doesn’t understand ‘social skills’) that are in jail. You will be surprise !!
Kelly Spitzer Johnson said:
I often wondered if some adults I ran into like this are high functioning autistic and do not even know it because they lack social skills even after being addressed millions of times. I think autism has been around longer then people think we just now have it narrowed down (sort of). I don’t know I do not have children let a lone autistic.
My nephew is high functioning and I forget he’s autistic. Most of the time his behavior just seems to be “quirky”. But my sister in law works with him a lot. She stays at home and she often releases her tension on FB. I try to be supportive but I am clueless.
Heather said:
Kelly, well you came to the right place to get clued in I think! 🙂
I admire you for admitting you don’t have any idea though. It’s hard to understand unless you’ve been there but you can gain an intellectual understanding and be supportive by listening and not telling her she’s just being melodramatic or other insensitive stuffs LOL
Anonymous said:
Amen Kelly..your so right..my son is 23 and I am still defending him and still explaining to everyone that hes Autistic..and I will till the day I die!
Valerie Johnson said:
My son is 20 and I’ll defend him ferociously I die
Valerie Johnson said:
Until I DIE!!!! 🙂
Annemarie said:
please do us all a favor darling,reread the post you need it ;0)
Kaitlin said:
Just because an autistic kid does one thing that is considered “normal” for someone their age, doesn’t mean they are no longer autistic. That’s one of the hardest parts about autism, its so difficult to decipher a normal quality from an abnormal one, because a lot of the time they are just being kids too. I have to agree with CoopsMom, moms of autistic kids, just deal with this tantrums more often. And honestly, autism is VERY time consuming and difficult to diagnose even by the best professionals, so I really don’t think you have any ground for this kind of judgement on such an uneducated basis. Kids with autism are not aliens, they are kids first and foremost. They are kids dealing with a world where they perceive things through their senses very differently than you and I and that can be a hostile place for them to live, and it can (not always) manifest in strange behavior. But they are still kids. YOU happen to be the kind of people this article is addressing. Please go learn more about autism, before taking the authority to tell someone their kid is not autistic.
Anonymous said:
Kaitlin: I have a niece who is High Functioning. A comment in your post (… its so difficult to decipher a normal quality from an abnormal one, because a lot of the time they are just being kids too…) reminded me of an article I read a few years ago. Autism and Aspergers is so difficult to diagnose that it often goes UNdiagnosed in girls. The physicialn marks it down as ‘she’s just being an emotional girl’. very sad I think that there are so many girls and women going undiagnosed for such an old fashioned ‘sexist’ view in medicine.
me said:
Dear SympatheticButNotStupid,
You obviously know nothing about Autism or the autism spectrum. If you dont have a child with autism then why are you on a page in support of mothers dealing with autistic spectrum children. I’m going to guess that you are not so much stupid as you are ignorant. Though it is a bit “stupid” to make a comment on a page such as this when you are obviously ignorant on the subject. Perhaps you should keep your ignorance to yourself. This post was written about people like you.not for you 😉 Just saying
allmykidshaveaspergers said:
Love this! I wish I had been able to say this kind of thing to people in real life, the type drive you mad: they have no concept of dealing with a difficult child, they are the type that goes to the gym a couple of hours a day, can use child care without worrying, gets the nails done, never has re-growth, in short, who HAS A LIFE! There are times when you are just too busy dealing with kid stuff that is serious, to ever have time out for yourself, and then the kind of person who looks down on you for being downtrodden, exhausted and not looking like super mum, turns up on a forum like this…go girls! In this forum we should realise we might be angry, a bit beaten by the world, but we have our priorities together, and put our kids interests first…go us!
carine said:
Well said.
SympatheticButNotStupid has 2 problems: a/ she doesn’t know sh@*t about Autism and b/ probably don’t have any kids.
People with regular children will unfortunately NEVER understand what we are going through.
We still have to find positive things is our lives because we simply don’t have the choice. So don’t come and piss us off ’cause we’ve got more than enough on our plates!
Anonymous said:
Oh, love this post. “I have a significant amount of sympathy for anyone with an autistic child – don’t have
sympathy, have empathy. If you think Autism is just about tantrums
then you really need to do alot more research before making such a daft comment.
LizCoyne said:
SympatheticNotStupid chimes as a PERFECT example. These types are always lurking around somewhere, aren’t they. After the briefest encounter, they feel perfectly justified in delivering a criticism, even something as grandiose as refuting a diagnosis. The phrase varies but the formula remains the same, something along the lines of — “Your kid is not _____ you’re just not as good with children as me and should listen to my criticism of you.” Of course they think it is not criticism, they’ve convinced themselves it is wisdom. The way I see it, the commenter offered no sympathy and certainly acts stupid.
No matter what you call yourself, I recognize you, know you perfectly well.
Anonymous said:
Sympatheticbutnotstupid… no mom of an autistic child wants sympathy…. I love my lil guy more then anything in this world… but you should take your head out of your a$$… and you clearly dont know squat about autistic children…
Ladysam said:
I guarantee if you saw my 12 year old son meltdown like that of a 3 or 4 year old because he IS autistic, you would be able to understand that just by looking at a behavior, doesnt simply define autism. Children with autism still continue to grow in their bodies until one day they are fully grown, but on the inside, they still feel like a little kid, have those same fears, and still dont see the world as we do. Autism is often an invisible “disease”. My son his high on the spectrum, looks and speaks fairly normal. Most people wouldnt guess he is autistic. But we have worked with him a great deal, taught him how to handle himself better (not always) in situations like this. He has learned now how to tell me he hates me under his breath in my ear, rather out loud so others can hear. That is a HUGE gain. Especially becaues what he says is MUCH worse than that usually. The fact is, if you dont live with autism in your house, YOU HAVE NO CLUE what families (even those high on the spectrum) go through behind closed doors. It is a hard thing. Those temper tantrums? I wish I could say they subside as they get older. So far, I havent seen that. The main thing is the kiddo gets BIGGER and harder to carry out of the store. 😛
Anonymous said:
Dear SympatheticNotStupid; You are stupid.
Anonymous said:
SympatheticButNotStupid, WOW, can’t believe you said that….Well, yes, yes I can………cause you aren’t sympathetic and you are stupid. WTF….don’t chime in unless you have some experience with Autism. Cause only the ignorant judge what they know absolutely nothing about. I hope you don’t reproduce, cause your children will be fu**** up!
Tessa said:
I too have experienced people like the one Jenn heard making that awful comment. People like that suck.
Kelly Spitzer Johnson said:
Ha ha ha! Oh that is so freaking funny! FYI I don’t even have kids but totally understand why the thought process! I saw this post on FB from a friend and I like to read “the other side” of people’s point of view. I choose not to have children because I could not handle this stress and I am not dissing Moms. Hmm maybe one of you (or someone who has compassion) could open a store or restaurant that is “Kid friendly.” If you advertise that most people who don’t want to deal with children of any kind will avoid it like a bad habit and then people with children special needs or other wise can go there without getting feeling like the worst parent ever.
Our church has a special area for for families who do not want to put there kids in the kids programs. I know a lot of parents like it because if there kid acts up everyone in the room knows what you are going through.
Kelly Spitzer Johnson said:
WTH where they doing in a Kid play area anyway sense they obviously don’t want to be bothered. My husband and I avoid kid friendly places because we don’t want to deal with that. I am smart enough to know kids act like that (I have 7 nieces and nephews and one is autistic) and sometimes they just have a fit! I get up and walk away. Obviously there are times where it isn’t wise to bring a kid somewhere but really if it was meant for them why complain about it?
Erin said:
why should a child with autism have the privilege of playing and socializing taken away. it was a kids play area, he is a kid, what do you mean it wasn’t meant for him? the mom had every right to take her kids there. my son is autistic, high functioning, and 95% of the time is typical but we never know when or what will set off that 5%. that doesn’t mean we keep him locked in the house “just in case” He has the right to as “normal” a childhood as possible. just like any other kid.
Annemarie said:
i think she meant why are the adults that are complaining there
Aaronsmommy said:
Kelly even at kid friendly resteraunts like mcdonalds people still have there rude stares and obnoxious comments… I had an elderly couple tell me my son doesn’t deserve mcdonalds
Anonymous said:
He probably deserved “Smith & Wellenski” and THEY deserved McDonalds 🙂 heehee
Laura Kay LaSalle said:
that’s pretty awesome. yay for your little one!
Anonymous said:
my daughter will simply say ” HOW RUDE” and yep the look on their face is AWESOME
Anonymous said:
Amen to that!!!!!!!!
Anonymous said:
AWESOME!!!!! My boy picks out the worst thing he has heard from me and says “OH DAMMIT” LMAO!
Amy D (@LLA_Princess) said:
I feel guilty after I rage at the recockulousness of others around us. Sometimes it’s nice to know I am not alone. ((hugs))
Avuncular Ron said:
Compassion is a two way street. If we can learn to have compassion for the assholes, it’ll make life easier for us, simply because we can let go of the need to react to them. Being on the defensive doesn’t help anyone; it’s a recipe for escalating the lunacy that the assholes like to dish out.
Anonymous said:
LOL you guys crack me up. Yes, MAJORITY gets a nice quick education but the rat bastards get something else, you know, they’re style heehee Ya gotta know the players!
Jennifer said:
I try to have compassion and whatever else, but, SOMETIMES you have to fight. SOMETIMES, the only way to TEACH those pricks is to put them in their place -HARD. Because, also, what we teaching our children if we don’t defend them to the jerks who are so callously regarding them like they are garbage? I think we need to mix it up. You know, a calm but firm educational response to people who are rude but not obnoxious, and then, for those who are obnoxious, have at them like a bear with a buzzsaw. After all, there is nothing ‘cookie cutter’ about our kids, so why should we handle each ignorant person the same? 🙂 I LOVED this article!!
Noreen said:
Haha So true! It takes a lot and I do interference haha what I call “me stepping it to avoid the person looking like an ass” but the true ones have a way of not working with my efforts. They are the ones that usually get knocked over, stepped on literally or completely ignored and then are frustrated to the hilt (all based on their ignorance though) LoL I gave my effort but they were “insistent”. Karma! haha
Anonymous said:
are things like compassion,empathy,unconditional love and miles of patients some of the things these children are trying to teach the world?we have found that our child seems to have something to teach every person that he experiences in his life and he saves his best work for those who are closest to him.may they help us all become better people so we can make a better world.
Anonymous said:
Well said… So true!!! My son has taught me to live!
Anonymous said:
I applause you for the best words said…Thank you
kerrie said:
me too, i agree our son had bought the best out in us, and i beleive he is teaching us so much about humanity and celebrating differences……
Longlifetiki said:
I have son who is retarded. Knock off the “fucktards” bullshit, please.
Anonymous said:
Amen! So disgusted with people using the word retard, tard, f-tard. Have some class and QUIT using the R word.
Scott said:
Hear, hear. Not a word we use in the UK as it is so offensive but seems acceptable in the US.
Fairylander said:
Really, it’s not a word that caring people use here. It is mostly used by adolescents whose brains have not developed fully yet. It’s people who care about others that make this world a great place to live. Many adolescents aren’t even happy in the world they have created for themselves to live in so the quality of compassion is just lacking. Hopefully one day they will grow up to bless the people around them.
Anonymous said:
I just want all to know that God only gives these children to special people and you are going to heaven….God Bless You all…I love my Grandson who is the same….These people God cant trust…..with his children Jane in Oklahoma…..