The other day I was in Target buying diapers, and some random woman stopped me to give me potty training advice. She was the hippie-Earth-mother sort who probably worked as a doula and sported bumper stickers all over the back of her ’88 Subaru station wagon pimping for La Leche League and The Coalition for Tantric Home Water Births. She skeptically eyed the pile of training pants in my cart and gave me unsolicited advice about how to effectively potty train a toddler. She wanted to know if I’ve tried this? and if I’ve tried that? and she talked to me like I was a new mother who didn’t have a clue about how to raise my own children.
I think she wanted me to be grateful for her brilliant advice. I really just wanted her to shut up.
I nodded and made some vaguely polite noises, but I didn’t want to explain to this well meaning yet irritating-as-hell stranger that the diapers in my cart were for my 7 year old son who I’ve been actively trying to toilet train for over 5 years now, so YES, I’VE TRIED THAT!
Trust me, whatever it is, I’ve done it. I’ve Once Upon a Pottied and Elmo Potty Timed my way through the years. I’ve done the Potty Dance and put the stickers on the chart and armed myself with bribery gummy bears. I’ve bought aquarium potties and Sesame Street potties and potties that laugh and potties that cry and overpriced European designer potties and toilet paper with puppies on it and bullseyes that float in the toilet bowl to give little wizzers something to aim at. I’ve hosted potty parties, locked us in the bathroom with nothing but gallons of apple juice and saltines, and even gone cold turkey, taking away all the diapers until my washing machine attempted suicide to end that particular misery. Seriously, I’ve tried it all, it just hasn’t been enough.
And if that doesn’t make me feel like enough of a failure, Mikey’s lack of toilet training is a huge concern to my family. They rarely ask me about how his speech is developing or whether he’s learning to socialize appropriately, but they’re constantly asking if he’s out of diapers yet. And while I sometimes think that many of my less tolerant relatives are just concerned about my kid peeing on their furniture (love me, love my child’s urine?), I get that potty training is a huge benchmark. I mean, not peeing in your pants or understanding prepositions – which do you consider a greater life skill? I understand how important it is that he figure it out someday, but it doesn’t make me feel any better when they repeatedly ask if he’s potty trained yet. I assure you, if he were I would tell you.
But here’s the thing: he’s capable. He’ll pull his pants down to pee in cups, watering cans, and his little brother’s milk glass any time an opportunity presents itself. He hasn’t worn a pull-up to school in over a year because he has a particular affinity towards the urinal there. He’ll even change his own diaper if I’m not fast enough for him. The kid is totally capable, he just doesn’t want to, and as with so many other things in Michael’s life, if he doesn’t want to do it then it just ain’t going to happen.
So there’s really no point in my feeling bad about it, because it doesn’t matter what I’ve tried and haven’t tried – it’s not really up to me. This kid will toilet train himself when he’s good and ready, and no unnecessary advice from concerned strangers is going to make the least bit of difference. The kid’ll figure it out someday, and in the mean time all I can do is love him, support him, and buy wet wipes in bulk. Lots and lots of wet wipes in bulk.
Jenny Saul-Avila said:
I feel so much better about my reluctance to even try potty-training my two-year-old. I keep thinking, when he can say any word that is related to going to the bathroom, then maybe I’ll be interested. Although I would like him to spontaneously do this very soon & be magically potty-trained by age 3 without me having to clean out one of those little kiddy potties – I think they’re actually the scariest part. I hate our diaper battles every day – but I’m used to wiping his butt while he tries to run away.
Doug (Jeff's dad) said:
We got out of the urine-on-our-favorite-couch thing by moving to Istanbul. I know even Michael can’t pee that far!
Lisa Quinones-Fontanez said:
Great post! I cannot stand when random people offer advice. And truth be told, I don’t like when people I know – with “typically developing” kids – offer up their parental words of wisdom. Especially if I’m not asking. My kid is potty trained during the day – for the most part – we need LOTS of prompting. But at night, we’re still in diapers. And I don’t care. It’ll happen when it happens. It’s all about picking and choosing the battles. Thanks for sharing 🙂
extremeparenthood said:
I have 2 still in diapers and I am quite sure they will either remain in them for the rest of their lives or will as you described make up their mind to use the potty when they are damn good and ready.
katy robertson said:
I was very taken with your e-mail. I am Erica’s aunt in law and this was a very very special piece of information and something to file away in my head…..good on ya! we should all pay attention to your blog…..it is very worthwhile……
Katy
Tobi said:
“The kid’ll figure it out someday, and in the mean time all I can do is love him, support him, and buy wet wipes in bulk.” That applies to so much with my sweet boy!
As to potty training: we’re newbies at this – only been working on it for 2 years. We only started because he wasn’t keeping the diapers on anyway. Luckily, he really likes to put things where they belong. The trick is making him realize pee and poop belong in the potty, not on the floor where he prefers. We’ll let you know when that trick kicks in. In the meantime, my husband and I both had dreams (nightmares?) about potty training last night.
Grapes said:
He’s capable of controlling his urine, so I wouldn’t worry about it (except to worry about finances if that’s an issue). I am a middle aged incontinent woman with Asperger’s and I wholeheartedly agree with you. Your boy has more important life skills to learn.
The Domestic Goddess said:
Dude, I TOTALLY would have said, “Sweetheart, my kid’s eight and he’s severely autistic. Wanna come over and try?”
Robin Kessler-Chez said:
My daughter Molli is 18 now & let me tell you….I Hear You On This One!!! We’re Still struggling with these issues!
Krissy Allori said:
It appears as though you have some resentment towards your family. You do know that we (I) read your blog, right? I adore Michael’s urine. I suppose I should say so more often.
Becky FS said:
I have yet to have a stranger offer unsolicited potty advice, but you heard it here first. I WILL commit homicide should any “well meaning” dip shit dare to cross my path. Go ahead and archive this for the trial. Thanks for baring soul so others may keep theirs! I needed your story today.
Lisa said:
I will happily testify as your character witness.
dana w said:
You have just described my life.
If it helps, my nine year old son decided to be potty trained just after he turned eight. We did nothing special. Well, I take that back. We finally LET IT GO. Soon as we did that, BOOM, he started using the toilet. He still hasn’t figured out this whole toilet paper thing but he will trip out, pants to his legs, and screech “POTTY!” This translates to “Mother, dearest, I have defecated and need my bottom wiped. Thank you ever so much.” So there is hope.
Lisa said:
We have this horrible woman who works for the county and she’s supposed to be an autism “expert” and tells us parents that we don’t really know anything. (It’s so helpful!) She tells everyone that she’s never seen an autistic child that hasn’t potty trained themselves by their eighth birthday, so we really shouldn’t worry.
When my son turns eight I intend to take his first crappy diaper and FedEx it to her as proof.
Thanks for commenting. 🙂
The Domestic Goddess said:
HAHAHAHA!!!! My kid just turned eight. Guess what? SHE IS WRONG.
Lisa said:
Want her address? 😀
Erica said:
Lisa Jane, you ignorant slut, HER tax dollars are paying for YOUR Pull-Ups! Your Dioxin-soaked, TBT-excreting diapers are making shitloads of birds fall out of the sky while fish are choking on their own vomit… Hey, have you tried Potty Power?
extremeparenthood said:
What about the ever-famous “take all his clothes off and let him run wild and free in the yard until you find him squatting or peeing and then sit him on the little potty” trick?!
I am sure there has to be a HOA regulation against autistic children running around stark raving naked at 7 am on a Saturday.