Not too long ago I had an epiphany. A fairly good one.
Cleaning my house is nothing but a big fat waste of time.
For years I tried to wage war against the perpetual stickiness my sons inflicted on my home, only get my ass kicked over and over again. Now I see that my efforts were pointless, because I could never conquer their mess. But that wasn’t my fault.
Follow my logic here: It’s a well known Natural Law that for every mess you clean up, a child will create a new one. It’s a less commonly known principle that for every mess a typical kid makes, a kid on the spectrum will make two messes. And I have two kids on the spectrum, so that’s four messes for every one that I clean up. You see? A 4:1 ratio…the math was against me.
Besides, I hate cleaning house anyway. So I realized that if I couldn’t beat it, I’d just have to outsmart it. That’s when I began to design The Hosable House. ™
It started last year when I took out my downstairs carpeting and replaced it with laminate flooring. I’ve never felt so liberated in my entire life! All of a sudden it was like, “Yeah, drink your grape juice in the livingroom, I don’t care. Want some blueberries?” The mighty carpet cleaner was replaced with the graceful paper towel, and my breathing got a little easier. A few months later I tossed away the area rugs too, because seriously, why even bother? Then I started to buy white furniture. I know, white furniture with two little boys in the house sounds ballsy, doesn’t it? It’s actually brilliant, because the only thing that gets the blood, sweat and tears out is BLEACH. So my goal is to eventually have all of my furniture upholstered in white, and then I’ll buy Clorox by the barrel. (I actually considered those 1950s plastic slipcovers, but I hate it when my ass sticks to the couch. Still, if I ever get desperate, I’m going full-on retro.)
And it’s making a difference. My little monsters are still more destructive than carpenter ants, but I’m able to level the playing field. Next step is plastic paint. I’m going to repaint every surface they can reach with vinyl so that I can get their cave man artwork off my walls. (Their current preferred medium is strawberry yogurt, although they’ve been known to use mud, poo, applesauce, and Crayola in the past.) Eventually all the surfaces in the home will be replaced with plastic, with the eventual goal of having a house that can be cleaned with just a hose. Voila! The Hosable House! ™
My big dream is to have a drain in the floor, like the ones in public restrooms. This is the wave of the future, I’m telling you.
Allison McGrath said:
Amen! I would love a home made of materials that would allow me to spray it down! I’m tired of dusting, mopping etc.
Carol said:
You and Clair are on the same page. She said when our living room had carpet that she wanted a linoleum floor with a big drain in the middle to just wash all the vomit, pee, and poop down the drain. This includes contributions from multiple pets. Vinyl furniture would help with diaper over flows.
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lifeinthefurlane said:
Call a patent attorney. STAT.
J Olivarez said:
I live in Newberg. It’s been done:
THE SELF-CLEANING HOUSE
Frances Gabe, born 1915, is one of Oregon’s most renown inventors. And a quick dash to Newberg can get you a tour of her most famous invention, “The Self-Cleaning House.” Correctly realizing that the constant maintenance of the home is bullshit, Frances crammed roughly 68 timesaving measures into her concrete house in Newberg to keep things tidy. These include ceiling spigots that hose down entire rooms, which are in turn covered with waterproof resin; high-powered blowers, which dry everything afterwards; a closet/washing machine; a cupboard/dishwasher and many other oddly endearing ideas. At almost 89 years old, Frances has plenty of intriguing and inspiring tales about being a woman inventor (however, you can also expect to endure an eye-rolling lecture on how “Mexicans are coming up here and taking all our jobs.” What are you gonna do? She’s 89 years old). Nevertheless, a visit to the Self-Cleaning House is a bizarre and fun trip out of town, and Frances is the very definition of “a piece of work.” WSH
Newberg, OR. Reservations are REQUIRED. Call 503-538-4946 for appointment and directions. $25 for one; $5 additional.